Today was a very strange day. This whole event actually started on Monday. I had a law of attraction coaching call with a fellow
beach body coach named
George and he took me through a series of exercises (kind-of-like meditation with a visual component and there was a breathing component also involved). It was a very powerful and positive experience that I would like to share with you.
Monday's exercise consisted of me grounding myself - letting go of any feeling that I might be having, and just become neutral and go to a calm place. Now the place could have been anywhere, it could be the beach or mountains or anywhere where I would feel calm. My visual-self brought me to the beach during sunrise and I was then instructed to see a person walking along the beach towards me. Initially this person was just a white figure… all white, no face, just a ghost white figure which then quickly turned into my husband then very quickly turned into me, which was the purpose of the exercise. It was supposed to be me coming towards me on the beach.
I couldn't help but feel curious of my-self being there in front of me. I was then instructed to visualize my-self giving me a gift, which I did. I gave my-self a hug and I said thank you, but before I could open the gift my-self walked away in the same direction that she came from. I felt sad, very, very sad, and then I started to cry.
At the end of that exercise George had asked me how I felt and I told him I was crying, you could hear it in my voice and he asked me what was in the box and I told him I never had a chance to open the box because my–self walked away before I had a chance to. It was very upsetting because I was overcome with such emotion that I couldn't explain, just based on a very simple exercise. George then asked me if I wanted to bring my–self back to open the box and I was so upset by what happened that I didn't want my-self to come back because I really didn't quite understand why I had a gift to begin with. What was in the box? Why did she walk away? I didn't understand.
I did ask him if because I placed myself on the very same beach when I was in my early 20’s (life was stressing and I needed a release so I went down the shore and waited on the beach for the sun to come up... I was crying the entire time), if that emotion wasn’t an extension of my time there... He of course couldn’t say with certainty that that was in deed the case, but it did inject the possibility of why I was so emotional.
We set up a time to have our second coaching call for today, which is Wednesday. Our call started like a normal conversation would start… “How have you been feeling the past couple of days? What's been going on? How is your business? What are you excited about? You know… things business people and friends talk to each other about. Then we got into our exercise again and we did the same thing we did on Monday: I had to ground myself and breathe and go back to the beach. But let me preface this by saying since Monday I've had the visual in my mind’s eye of the beach and my–self has been in my peripheral right side the entire time. When George brought me back to the beach today I whistled to my–self to come over. She walked swiftly along the beach and then she started to skip and I started to laugh because that's how I would do it. I would! I would act like… like a child! and skip! Then my–self jumped in front of me like I would do in real life, I was still laughing. We were laughing together and she handed me the box. I forgot to mention that the box that she gave me on Monday was a white box (whatever that relevance has I don't know), but it was white. Today she again gave me another white box and today I had to open the box while she was with me and I did. When I opened the box a bright white light shined out. It wasn't like a beam of light. It was a bright white light, and it shined everywhere! It wasn't cold. It wasn't hot. It was comforting and it confused me because I didn't understand the relevance of the white light. So I looked up at my-self with a confused look on my face and asked her “what is it?” and she looked down at me, smiling excitedly, pointing to the box with both fingers… “Look in the box! Look in the box! Don't you see it?” I looked down into the box again and I just saw a bright white light and I looked at her again and I said I don't see it and she kept saying “just looked! Just look!” and as hard as I tried I just couldn't see anything but the white light.
George then instructed me to be one with my-self and I absorbed my–self into me and I became one person alone on the beach and I was content. I heard the birds, I heard the ocean, I felt the breeze, I felt the sea spray, I felt the warm sun, but I also had full clarity. I no longer had my–self in my peripheral right vision. She was with me now.
This may sound very odd and strange and weird to certain people, but to go through this exercise really, really centered me. I am already in a place of energy that is good for once in a very long time. So it was very easy for me to center and ground myself and have the visual experience because of it. About a month ago I never would've had this type of outcome.
While George and I were just conversing about the experience, something happened and it happened as fast as a flash of lightning, my–self popped out of me and handed me a baby and then popped right back in. I immediately stopped the conversation I was having with George and I told him what had just happened. I told him about the emotional feeling that came with that gift of the baby was happy and my physical feeling was warm so he asked that I sit on that feeling for a little while and then we discussed it.
George told me that white light signifies purification. That could mean a lot of things to a lot of people. When I think about purification for myself, I think of getting rid of bad thoughts, bad energy, and negativity in general. However, when you enter the component of the baby and you add purification, I think of how I have been resisting being a mother since I was a child because I saw what my mother went through being a single mom to two kids and I always told myself I don't want to be that person. I don't want to be the person that has the two kids and no husband and I lived that life. I'm 37 years old and I do not have a child. I never wanted a child, actually I did at one point - in my early 20s I got the baby bug because my girlfriend had a baby and then I wanted a baby but then I quickly realized that that was just an emotion it wasn't at all what I wanted. I never wanted children. That’s why I married a guy who was older than me that had a kid, so I didn't have to worry about being a mother… I’m obviously not married to that guy anymore - Thankfully. But my current husband now wants a child, and I've been preparing myself physically for the child;
getting my teeth taken care of, so I wouldn’t have to worry about that while pregnant, making sure that I’m on the prenatal vitamins, eating as best as I can despite the depression, starting to work out again, which you can see, is now becoming a reality. But it was when George asked me if I was trying for a baby did it hit me. Yes, I am trying, kind of… but because I was trying to fix everything that was wrong with me physically we weren’t really giving it the good college try. We are just doing it, no pun intended, and if it happens it happens. But the even weirder thing is that this morning when I was talking to my husband about it, the getting pregnant part… I told him that I would start the ovulation kit this month... so it was really a shock when George had asked about trying for baby, but because I have my period today I know that I'm not pregnant. But now I'm open to it. It's like my-self purified that negative thought process of having a family by giving me that white light... feeling the white light.. sitting on the white light... allowing myself to be content there and then drop it off the grandparent would! lol! The baby is a girl, and I've been telling my husband since he met me that when we have a kid it’s going to be a girl. I just know it is.
Only the future will tell what this gift is. Is it my baby? Is it someone else's baby? Or is it symbolic of something else? Possibly something in its infancy stage? Like maybe the fit club that I want to start in town? Or is it my business? Or is it my marriage? Or is it a friendship that's just starting? It can be symbolic of anything, really. It doesn't necessarily have to be the gift that my-self gave me.
It was a very good exercise today, and if I had the money I would certainly like to keep up with it because it is very, very, very helpful when dealing with anxiety (especially), but definitely negativity. I was bred into a cynical, pessimistic family. Everybody was negative all the time, never really let you reach for the stars because they were either looking out for you Too much, or everybody had a negative spin on something. It's very hard as a persistent soul, such as myself, to walk away (naturally) from a pessimistic attitude. Some things I am optimistic on some things I’m more pessimistic on, but my actions are always more optimistic because I can get knocked down, sit there on the ground for a little while, get back up and keep on charging.
That trait became very clear to me the day I ran the Spartan race. As sick as I was to my stomach prior to lining up at the starting line… When I got on that hill, I'm sorry… mountain, and I had to go through these obstacles and climb boulders and drag boulders and climb through things and climb over things and be 50 feet up in the air and crawl through mud and barbed wire and ice and fire did I realize if I can do this… I can do anything… I always had that ability my entire life, but because I had such a pessimistic family I never really did much with anything because somebody had something negative to say about it, which always gave me an excuse not to do something. Or if I failed at something instead of getting back up and going, I would take it as a defeat, and not continue on.
My husband is not a pessimist; my husband is very supportive of me, and my husband is very understanding of what I go through on a daily basis with the depression and anxiety and panic attacks, and the hormonal fluctuations and the insomnia, but he knows that I try. That's why he doesn't push me because he knows that once I'm ready, I'm going to take the ball and I am going to run with it. When I am feeling insecure about my depression, and my lack of income to the family like it used to be, he always says that we’re a team and sometimes some team members need to be carried for a little while until they are strong enough to go it on their own.. and he's right! We are a team and he's the strong one right now and I love that about him. The one thing I know that he loves about me is that I'm independent enough not to rely on someone for every single thing in my life. As a cop's wife I can't be because when duty calls, they're out the door and only the strong women can stay behind to deal with the family, the house, the job, and everything that comes along with that, and being alone. He knows I’m strong he's told me that that's one of the reasons why he married me.
Wouldn’t it be nice if… The baby is really our baby?
Wouldn’t it be nice if… We could break the pattern of pessimism and negativity?
Wouldn’t it be nice if… Our baby would grow up free of anxiety so that she/he can grow and prosper and be successful?
