From the insanity of Panic and Anxiety Disorder to the calm through fitness.. This is my transformation story.
Showing posts with label Anxiety. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Anxiety. Show all posts

10.05.2011

FINALLY! A Little More Normalcy

I went to see my 2nd favorite man today! My Stylist! w00t w0000t! Steve over at Antoine's Salon in Ridgewood NJ is always so good to me. My hair came out FABULOUS! I probably should have taken before and after pics, but I was more focused on just getting those dead locks highlighted and removed.

My anxiety was getting the better of me while I waited for him to finish with the client before me (I always get to places early, especially when you have to park on the street) and I wanted to cancel and run home as fast as possible, but I didn't. I think it was the music that was playing that triggered it, for a normal person it was nice music, it wasn't loud and obnoxious or anything but each track was like 10 minutes long... I felt like I was on a bad acid trip…

Once he got me in the chair and started conversing with me I was fine, he also changed the music for me to Lady Gaga's new album (which I have only heard a few songs from - GREAT ALBUM!) I was bopping and swaying in the chair while my locks were getting lighter, managed to get some good core exercises in doing that lol. I'm glad I didn't split for the safety of my home and endured the couple of hours it took to make me pretty again. They were even kind enough to go feed the meter my car was parked at so I wouldn't get a summons.

After the lightening process was complete the hair had to be chopped off... with the prenatal vitamins my hair and nails are growing like weeds on fertilizer... Miracle Grow to be specific. Ahhhh... not that I need to lose any more weight but I think I lost a couple of pounds of dead hair, and the color? He's a pro! lol

While Steve was chop-choppin at my locks I noticed that my chest (internally) was sore. That realization led me to close my eyes and focus on my breathing. I was literally holding my breath! I wasn't aware of it until my body sent me a signal. I mean how does one NOT breathe? What little air I was taking in was being chambered into the upper part of my lungs, and my diaphragm was in my throat! My arms were also very tight and my shoulders where up by my ears, like I was preparing to be hit by a snowball or something. I had to literally push my stomach out as if I were making a pot-belly and breathe all of my air in all the way into my belly and blow it out from my belly. Thankfully, I had taken Yoga in the past because I used the breathing techniques I learned from my instructor to help with my current situation.

The end result... A new awareness of the subconscious me, a new playlist added to my iPhone and iTunes accounts, a sore core, healthier hair, some good social interaction, and a prettier me!

I have to go dance to my new Gaga album - that's my workout for tonight.

6.04.2011

This Spartan came home WITH her shield!

(and a lot of mud!)
The purpose of the blog was to mark the journey with Panic & Anxiety to the Spartan and Tough Mudder events. 1 challenge is complete; I competed in and completed the Spartan Race in Tuxedo NY.

I did have pre-race jitters... hard core... it was the waiting that was killing me. Once I was at the starting line I was honed in on the objective of going up an extremely steep hill for an extremely long distance not knowing what was to come after that.

I had to climb, crawl, and strategically maneuver my way through rocks and boulders on the side of a ski resort; I saw spiders i never knew existed! OH and I'm sure poison ivy is just a short way away  from showing it's ugly wrath as well.

I had to crawl through a make-shift mine which had brush, bugs, reptiles, cramped space, and barbed wire just above my head for about 100 feet... with no way out.. You had no choice but to go forward. I got stuck on barbed wire 1/4 of the way through, hind-sight my heart flutters, but at the time i was determined to get through that obstacle, and I did and made friends with a frog too!

I had to climb through and over boulders with a car tire, climb a 20 foot high net and come back down, climb walls, crawl under walls, pull cinder-blocks attached to a rope the height of a 2-story house, cross monkey bars ( I fell 2 bars from the end because my shoulder gave out, and they wanted me to do 30 burpees but I told them to go scratch and went back to the bars and did 4 more for good measure).

I had to carry an orange Home Depot bucket 3/4 full of gravel up a hill for .25 a mile, then back down dump my gravel on TOP of the pile and bring back my bucket. At this point I was exhausted, I was in near tears because I was so mad because I wanted to be done! So I chucked the bucket on top of the gravel pile, flipped it over and off (yes, I gave an inanimate object the double bird) and tossed it to the pile of other buckets and flipped it off again. THEN I had to pull a boulder on skis up-hill and around a small course which ended on hot coals, then back uphill and hike over and through boulders AGAIN. This was where I was on E. I started to get light-headed, and had to stop for a break. 

Back down the hill to a soap soaked wall that I had to climb over. I was smart and used my upper body and pulled myself up with the ropes... Flipping off the bottle of soap as I was going to the next obstacle... totally owned that one!

I fell 1/2 way across the Spiderman wall and had to do 30 burpees... thank goodness that I do those a lot in bootcamp! I totally failed on the spear throw and had to do another 30 burpees. I won't be doing burpees for a while needless-to-say!

I had to crawl through cold mud on my belly under barbed wire going uphill for the length of a football field. Admittedly, the mud crawl was the best part of the event. Though gross as heck seeing worms, grubs, ants, spiders, the blood of other Spartans, and getting cut up by rocks and other sharp objects, the camaraderie with the other Spartans through this obstacle was beyond reproach. My hair and shirt got stuck on barbs on the last string; everyone stopped so as not to tug further or spring it back to the Spartans coming up the rear while 2 other Spartans untangled me from the mess. Then for a long boulder hike before a steep downhill trek full of loose rock and dirt.

That ended us up at the ice crawl; yes, the name implies the same as the mud crawl, but it was downhill for about 50 feet under barbed wire and over ice cubes... TONS of ice cubes... it was cold... very cold... but at the bottom of the hill from that we had to jump through a much appreciated firewall! It ended with the gladiators at the end that I, and my awesome sense of humor, made them and the spectators laugh! lol
When I arrived at my first gladiator (that wanted to pummel me with these huge padded paddles) I stopped short, looked him in the eye and said like a mouse "really? Do i have to? Can i just get into the fetal position?" lol so we bumped to make it look good. The next guy was busy with someone else, but the very last guy wanted to kick my butt so as I ran really fast passed him shouting "please, please, please don't hit me!" everyone erupted in laughter!
Then i got my banana, water, free beer and shower lol...

I'm sure I missed an obstacle here or there, but those are the ones that I remember.

Minus the scraped up elbows and knees, twisted ankle, bruises, and that it took me 3 hours to go 3 miles... it was a blast!!!

I have a new found appreciation and utmost respect for the men and women of our armed forces. While i had 3+ miles of torture, they do this in foreign countries carrying tons of gear in not-so-forgiving clothing and conditions. I was able to carry a camelbak (backpack filled with water) and wear anti-skid socks so i didn't get blisters, and wear gloves to protect my little hands from blisters, in order to get me through this. I was able to quit if i wanted and go home. They get to have some of those things, but I was able to shower after my event, they usually have to stay all yucky for days on end, and they can't just say "F this" and go home whenever they want.  They have to do it on the side of a mountain, in a desert or jungle with heavy equipment, sometimes being shot at, and even worse- not knowing where the enemy is. Not to mention the spiders!

If they are lucky though, they will find a frog to hang with.

I hope to post pictures or video in the future so stay tuned!

6.01.2011

When the Ebb ends the Flow begins

Riding the Ebb ended 3 days ago. Back on riding the Flow.

It started Friday night into Saturday with Night Sweats (that I'm still suffering from) and yesterday the panic train made a stop.

I have now come to the realization that this is completely hormonal. I don't have generalized anxiety disorder like i once thought and was diagnosed with. These attacks come in certain situations but are completely revolving around my menstrual cycle. They typically make a presence 1/2 way through my cycle and get progressively worse when my period arrives. My period arrived Monday and since then it's been panic city! At home, the car, in public, it doesn't matter.. it's there and it's all fired up!

The night sweats started 3 days before my period came. Waking up soaking wet in the middle of the night. I don't mean a little sweat. I mean A LOT, as though I took a shower. Being an Elite-Trainer on the Sharecare.com network, I decided to put my resources to work for me and looked to my colleagues for answers, and I found this great clip from Dr. Oz http://bit.ly/droznightsweats.

I have felt this way about this condition since 2005 when I had my first full-blown attack that put me in the emergency room. I looked up Pre-menstrual Dysphoric Disorder and the symptoms fit to the T. None of the anti-depressants the doctors put me on helped. I wasn't depressed - at least not consistently it would just be for a week or two before my period!

After reading books, articles, and everything in between they all suggested a hormone panel be done to pin point any and all ebbs and flows with marked data against how I was feeling. My regular doctor referred me to my Gyno/OBGYN and every doctor at the OBGYN office (there were 9 of them) said I'm too young to have a hormone panel, that it's anxiety disorder. No one would listen because I wasn't in the proper age category to be pre-menstrual or peri-menopausal, BUT all my symptoms revolved around my menstrual cycle. How is it that other women get these panels done, but I can't??

I have to switch to a new OBGYN because I now live way to far away from my current OBGYN. I'm hoping that this new doctor will listen to me this time. I'm tired of feeling this way, and it is clearly affecting my work, my lifestyle and everything else I have to deal with on a day to day basis.

Sometimes you need to be your own doctor; if anything to make sure you are getting the full picture of what's going on. 
I found this great article regarding PMDD, if you think you might suffer from this please consult with your doctor(s). I know I will be as everything I put in BOLD is what I suffer from. I also put an APP on my phone called iperiod; it allows you to mark EVERYTHING. This APP will come in very handy when I see the doctor.
Premenstrual dysphoric disorder
PMDD; Severe PMS

Last reviewed: December 22, 2010.

Premenstrual dysphoric disorder (PMDD) is a condition in which a woman has severe depression symptoms, irritability, and tension before menstruation. The symptoms of PMDD are more severe than those seen with premenstrual syndrome (PMS).

PMS refers to a wide range of physical or emotional symptoms that typically occur about 5 to 11 days before a woman starts her monthly menstrual cycle. The symptoms usually stop when or shortly after her period begins.
Causes, incidence, and risk factors

The causes of PMS and PMDD have not been found.

Hormone changes that occur during a woman's menstrual cycle appear to play a role.
PMDD affects between 3% and 8% of women during the years when they are having menstrual periods.

Many women with this condition have:
    Anxiety
    Major depression
    Seasonal affective disorder (SAD)


Other factors that may play a role include:
    Alcohol abuse
    Being overweight
    Drinking large amounts of caffeine
    Having a mother with a history of the disorder
    Lack of exercise

Symptoms

The symptoms of PMDD are similar to those of PMS. However, they are generally more severe and debilitating and include a least one mood-related symptom. Symptoms occur during the week just before menstrual bleeding and usually improve within a few days after the period starts.

Five or more of the following symptoms must be present to diagnose PMDD, including one mood-related symptom:
    Disinterest in daily activities and relationships
    Fatigue or low energy
    Feeling of sadness or hopelessness, possible suicidal thoughts
    Feelings of tension or anxiety
    Feeling out of control
    Food cravings or binge eating
    Mood swings marked by periods of teariness
    Panic attacks
    Persistent irritability or anger that affects other people
    Physical symptoms, such as bloating, breast tenderness, headaches, and joint or  muscle pain
    Problems sleeping
    Trouble concentrating


Signs and tests

No physical examination or lab tests can diagnose PMDD. A complete history, physical examination (including a pelvic exam), and psychiatric evaluation should be done to rule out other conditions.

Keeping a calendar or diary of symptoms can help women identify the most troublesome symptoms and the times when they are likely to occur. This information may help the health care provider diagnose PMDD and determine the best treatment.
Treatment

A healthy lifestyle is the first step to managing PMDD.
    Eat a balanced diet (with more whole grains, vegetables, fruit, and little or no salt, sugar, alcohol, and caffeine)
    Get regular aerobic exercise throughout the month to redue the severity of PMS symptoms
    Try changing your sleep habits before taking drugs for insomnia (See also: Sleeping difficulty)

Keep a diary or calendar to record:
    The type of symptoms you are having
    How severe they are
    How long they last

Antidepressants may be helpful.

The first option is usually an antidepressant known as a selective serotonin-reuptake inhibitor (SSRI). You can take SSRIs in the second part of your cycle up until your period starts, or for the whole month. Ask your doctor.

Cognitive behavioral therapy (CBT) may be used either with or instead of antidepressants. During CBT, you have about 10 visits with a mental health professional over several weeks.

Other treatments that may help include:

    Birth control pills may decrease or increase PMS symptoms, including depression
    Diuretics may be useful for women who gain a lot of weight from fluid retention
    Nutritional supplements -- such as vitamin B6, calcium, and magnesium -- may be recommended
    Other medicines (such as Depo-Lupron) suppress the ovaries and ovulation
    Pain relievers such as aspirin or ibuprofen may be prescribed for headache, backache, menstrual cramping and breast tenderness

Expectations (prognosis)

After proper diagnosis and treatment, most women with PMDD find that their symptoms go away or drop to tolerable levels.

Complications

PMDD symptoms may be severe enough to interfere with a woman's daily life. Women with depression may have worse symptoms during the second half of their cycle and may need changes in their medication.

As many as 10% of women who report PMS symptoms, especially those with PMDD, have had suicidal thoughts. Suicide in women with depression is much more likely to occur during the second half of the menstrual cycle.

PMDD may be associated with eating disorders and smoking.
Calling your health care provider
Call 911 or a local crisis line immediately if you are having suicidal thoughts.

Call for an appointment with your health care provider if:
    Symptoms do not improve with self-treatment
    Symptoms interfere with your daily life

References

    Vigod SN. Understanding and treating premenstrual dysphoric disorder: an update for the women's health practitioner. Obstet Gynecol Clin North Am. 2009;36:907-924, xii. [PubMed]
    Lentz GM. Primary and secondary dysmenorrhea, premenstrual syndrome, and premenstrual dysphoric disorder: etiology, diagnosis, management. In: Katz VL, Lentz GM, Lobo RA, Gershenson DM, eds. Comprehensive Gynecology. 5th ed. Philadelphia, Pa: Mosby Elsevier; 2007:chap 36.

    Review Date: 12/22/2010.

    Reviewed by: Susan Storck, MD, FACOG, Chief, Eastside Department of Obstetrics and Gynecology, Group Health Cooperative of Puget Sound, Bellevue, Washington; Clinical Teaching Faculty, Department of Obstetrics and Gynecology, University of Washington School of Medicine. Also reviewed by David Zieve, MD, MHA, Medical Director, A.D.A.M., Inc.



5.26.2011

On an Ebb

Thankfully, I was beginning to wonder if i was ever going to see it again.

Since my last update, i have since stopped taking Sam-e. It really wasn't doing anything for the anxiety, and since I'm not depressed, i really didn't see the sense in taking it. I'll keep it in the nutritional section of my pantry for now.

I have managed to only have 1 mild flutter of anxiety this week prior to going to my client. I managed to get through the brief annoyance. The 2nd mild flutter was with the younger client on a walk on the first extremely hot day this week. We did 2 miles, 3/4 of which where up-hill at mostly a 45ยบ incline. It was a scorcher, and I wasn't prepared for a walk that day, but she wanted to walk as opposed to doing her training so walk we did.. I'm going to have to start charging more for that stuff lol. I don't mind though, good training for my Spartan Sprint on June 4th!  Less than 2 weeks away!!

So anyway, we were about .75 of a mile from her home when i just started feeling weird.. i let it go, then i actually had a heart palp, and then i got nervous, trying to shut down an anxiety ridden mind is like trying to shut off a fire hydrant with a toothbrush. My greatest fear was her being in a situation where i fell ill and she needed to go for help or something.. i know, i know.. stupid, but that is what people with anxiety like mine worry about. However, i kept on trucking up those damn hills lol, and started REALLY dumb conversations just to keep my mind off of it. Oh and i also found a nail at the end of someone's driveway and picked it up and disposed of it properly, would want them to get a flat tire lol. See! it's stupid stuff like that! 

Between the bootcamps and the hill training I'm getting here i think I'll be good in a week-and-a-half! At least i hope so anyway!

The reason for this post.. silly me.. i noticed now that I'm exercising extensively with the 0530 bootcamps and some client workouts at the end of some days, I'm too tired to have anxiety. I mean I'm exhausted. I was sitting in traffic on my way home from my "up-hill" client the other day and i literally wanted to close my eyes and sleep. NORMALLY i would be a frantic mess trying to find the path of least resistance home. I'm just too tired to care anymore, even though the brain is subconsciously controlling those attacks, my conscious self is like "Would you cut the crap already, I'm tired.. my body weary"...

Hopefully, now that the system is calmed down from the last major attack, that this will be more the norm.. I like riding on the Ebb




5.20.2011

It's 2-Fold

Sorry I've been nearly non-existent lately. I have just been busy with clients and bootcamps, and haven't had time to blog.

The good news is.. I'm completely off of my medications. I'm not going to say it's been easy because it hasn't been. The first 2 days completely off were atrocious: headaches almost as bad as migraines, a few hard-core panic attacks..

Let's talk about that there panic attack for a moment, shall we? It was day 2, and i was REALLY OFF that day. VERY tired, cranky, headaches.. it was just awful! I was on my way to a client and 1/2 way there it hit me like a wrecking ball to the head... Sheer and utter panic. I get to my client's house.. no one is there.. i really needed to use the bathroom.. I know gross, but if you suffer from panic or anxiety disorders you most likely experience the same thing i do. Then MORE panic set in because i HAD to go and i didn't want to defecate myself. I called my husband to at least provide a distraction, and it worked for a few moments, then the wave came even harder. The client comes home and i explain to him what is going on and that i will have to call my husband to pick me up because I'm just sick.. He understood completely, thankfully, and eventually hubby arrived to come get me.. i left my car there and went home and went to bed.

Since then i have had 3 other attacks. One was the following week, on a Saturday then again the next Monday. I've had increased anxiety since then when going to this client. I speculate that it is just my brain associating that client and house with panic. Every day that i go there it's been getting better and better. I've found that chewing gum and singing my favorite Duran Duran tunes helps because I'm breathing a certain way. OH yeah.. forgot to mention. I noticed that when my anxiety starts i immediately check my breathing and sure enough I'm either holding my breath or shallow breathing. So that may even be the trigger to most of my attacks.. that I'm on auto-pilot when it comes to my breathing. it's just very strange.

It's been 3 full days now and i haven't had a single episode of either!

What i have been doing in addition to being consciously aware:
1. Doc put me on Sam-e, now i am not in any way/shape/form suggesting you take this holistic approach because it's not for everyone. This supplement acts like serotonin and stabilizes mood. Normally it's suggested for depression, but because the Lexapro is considered an anti-depressant it should have the same effect. The dangers associated with Sam-e are why i recommend talking to your doctor about it first, as it CAN make things worse as noted on it's side-effect/warnings all over the Internet. It takes 7-10 days to take too.. so it's not like popping vitamin-C and you feel better, it needs to build up in the system.

I'm not sure if it's the Sam-e that has been helping, or me trying to be aware and unafraid of my illness, but either way it's working.

2. EXERCISING! I am a personal trainer, and I own my own fitness business, and i host bootcamps M-F in my area. If you take a gander on the Internet and watch videos of some of the bootcamps out there you will notice instructors just shouting and motivating and counting time/reps. Not THIS instructor!! I WORK OUT WITH MY CAMPERS!
My theory is 3 sided:
1. If I have to wake up at 5am, I'm going to make the most out of it!
2. I'm a constant mirror of form, they can look at me and see how my body is positioned and if i notice them with bad form i can correct them and they can visually see me doing the workout properly.
3. How can i tell how effective the workouts are if i don't do them myself?!

It's been 3 weeks and not only do i feel the difference in my posture, strength, and physical appearance, I'm noticing great improvement in my cardiovascular endurance, and tolerance.. I think i might be ready for Insanity again! lol (I'll do it between cycles 1 & 2, when i have a week off). The Spartan Sprint Race is 2 weeks from tomorrow.. I feel pretty confident that I'm ready, or at least i will be ready... oh my heart just fluttered lol.. pre-race jitters lol

I find that getting that 0530 workout in gives me SO much more time and energy to get everything else done too. My campers mentioned the same thing going into week 2 "they have more energy throughout the day".

I HIGHLY recommend working out as a means to deal with anxiety disorder. I had another blog on wordpress last year and had tons of articles regarding that topic, but for some lame reason they suspended my account.. whatever.. looking to the future now and I've always been happier at Blogger anyway.

4.16.2011

Playing Catch-up

4.16.11

I'm soooo sorry! I haven't blogged my progress since day 1, I am horrible! Rest assured, I have been very busy with training and business stuff.

Here's the update:
4.12.11
Rest Day on the TurboFire Schedule, was going to do a C25K run, but the temps were in the 40's. Too cold.

4.13.11
TurboFire Tone 30 Class.. OMG.. bands are no joke. No run today due to rain, and lots of it.

4.14.11
TurboFire Fire 45EZ (nothing EZ about that!!!!) & Stretch 10
Great workout, i was drenched. There were a couple of times when my body just pittered out, but I pushed through it. Stretch 10 is like the cherry on top.. sweet!

4.15.11
TurboFire Core 20 and C25K run. 
Core 20 = no joke. Different from the usual floor abs exercises and you will feel it the next day for sure!
C25K run was great. ran 1.11 miles in 14:23. not bad! I definitely like the Nike+ GPS app for my iPhone. It's fun and affective! and if you sync it to Facebook, when you start your run it posts to your profile and every time a person likes your post or comments on it you get your own cheering squad cheering you on! I was laughing so hard at one point! lol because i didn't know why that was happening! Made the run fun though, that's for sure!

4.16.11
TurboFire Stretch 40
No C25K run due to cold temps and rain


3.14.2011

TD13

3.14.11

Daylight savings had me getting out of bed at 0945 this morning! Today felt like a swift wind, can't see it and blows by real fast!

It was Hubby's work day tonight, so dinner was earlier than normal. That kind of screws up my system a little bit, but they say variety is the spice of life! I'll play along.

No panic attacks today, I felt just a tad edgy for a brief moment around 2pm ET, the majority of the day i felt a bit depressed, not unmotivated depressed.. ok maybe depressed isn't the correct word. I felt helpless... ok that will fit a bit better... Although i had some great phone calls with advertising companies and the local Chamber of Commerce and a great friend out in the Vegas area, I still felt helpless. Like i'm going nowhere, even though i'm doing all i can do at the moment to get this business up and running. Enough about that though let's get to the training..


Tonight's workout was ChaLean Push Circuit 1 and Extreme Abs. Oh goodness lol. Push is a lot different than Burn. Instead of working the upper and lower body at the same time like Burn, you only work one part at a time, with heavy weight for 8 reps max. If your arms don't feel like jello, you aren't lifting heavy enough! Never-the-less it was a great workout! Extreme Abs is EXTREME, it's not for the faint at heart, it burns immediately and you hold that for about 15 minutes! Feels GREAT though!

I have decided that Tuesday's and Thursdays are going to be my TRX Training days; keep it simple and remember it with the letter 'T'! 

The weather was a bit chilly, so i opted not to start the C25K. I'm keeping my eye on the weather this week to see when i can fit that in. It looks like Friday might be the day for that! Temps will be in the lower 60's.

Oh yeah, the food journal.. I consumed about 1300 calories today. I'm up to 1085 right now and still have to add in a part of dinner, but i have to do research because it's boneless pork chops.

 

3.13.2011

Speed Bump

3.13.11

Hit a minor speed bump.
On day 3 of panic attacks, so i haven't been training. The weather has been cooperating and I had every intention of starting C25K this weekend, but my body had it's own idea, and i am a bit troubled by it.

I haven't had an attack in quite a while, I've had uneasy feelings in certain situations, but not a full-on panic attack.

It started Friday mid-afternoon. Our new carpet was being installed, hubby was in the dining room playing on his computer and I was cleaning the kitchen and chatting with him when i started to feel 'edgy'.

I went outside on the back deck to catch my breathe and cool down (with the edginess comes hot flashes and the feeling of not being able to breathe), once i caught the chill i went back in the house and had some cold water to drink. I felt OK after about 5 minutes.

Saturday, hubby and I were out and about running errands. We decided to go to a local tex-mex place, but on the way there we were detoured because of flooding. I got a little edgy a couple of times, but nothing too severe. We got to the restaurant, and there were a ton of little kids there, i mean LITTLE, like the ones that scream and cry for no reason at all but to hear themselves? yeah, those. I spotted a booth in the far corner of the quieter side of the main room and asked the host if we could sit there, he told us he had to have it cleared, but we could wait if we wanted. Well, that waiting period did me in, we never got seated in that booth because no one ever cleared it, so he put us in the main dining room seated behind a party of 6, and surrounded by little babies. Look, I love little babies, but not that many in one place in a crowded bustling dining room when I'm already 'edgy'.

It took the waitress forever and a day to get to us, and by that time I was already in 'flight' mode. So we left and got stuck in traffic on the way to the U-turn on the highway (because of the flooding). That's when the big one started, tunnel vision, stomach drops, shaking, light-headed, chest heavy, hot flashes..... to name a few. I saw the exit ramp, I saw the other side of the highway (which was moving at a fast pace), there was no reason to have an attack that severe. I vocally tried to calm myself down, nothing was working... next step was to jump out of the truck and run, or cry, but hubby pulled into the adjacent parking lot and cut through and took the back roads to familiar roads with no traffic. He's a God send.  

Today, day 3,  I haven't had any 'attacks', but i have felt off-the-mark. Not sure if it's the fear of having another attack, or the fact that I'm just frustrated at it all. I'm weaning off of my meds so we can start a family, and I've been doing AWESOME with the weaning, minus a couple of very minor events that had to do with the wean itself. Now this.. 3 days of hell.


Last week i started a food journal, and i only logged 2 days. Looking back, it's clear that I'm barely reaching the 1200 minimum mark. So i decided today to make sure i did. Hubby went grocery shopping for us, since that is usually a place that triggers an attack because of the loud music in the store (why!?) and the crowds and the lines.

I entered the nutrition label information, weighing my foods, making sure the portion sizes I'm consuming are correct; I'm up to about 1500 calories today. The majority of those calories came after 1pm, and since then i haven't been feeling 'edgy'. Either the lack of calories is triggering the attacks, OR it's just a coincidence that they are subsiding. 

I'm going to have to monitor and maybe play around to see if maybe lack of calories isn't creating the problem.

2.25.2011

TD8W2

2.24.11

Great workout last night! I was especially proud of DH for keeping up with the insanity of ChaLean's Burn Intervals & Ab Burner. He only had to flip Chalene off 2ce this time hee hee, but he did it.

I noticed some strength endurance changes in myself last night during the workout. I kept the weight the same as the week prior, but I was able to get to the end of each workout. I'm not going to deny i teared up a few times, but i did it and i am so proud of myself for pushing myself to the end of each move. I'm sore today, but it feels delicious!

Yesterday was a particularly odd day of sorts. I woke up bright eyed and bushy tailed, but within about 1.5 hours this exhaustive feeling came over me. I was blogging, and catching up with my clients on Sharecare and i literally could not go on a minute longer. I had to put my feet up on the couch and just lay there for a little while. I wasn't mentally tired, meaning i didn't fall asleep, it was my physical self that was dead, like my batteries literally ran out of juice or there was a power outage! Where's that bunny when you need him?! lol

I remained on the couch for about 20 minutes, then as quickly as I stopped I started back up again! Then it was ON! Mt. Laundry was being tackled, I vacuumed the entire house, including the stairs, dusted everything, cleaned the kitchen and bathroom.. it was an all out assault on the house!

Later on that night was when DH and I crushed our workouts, then we were both in bed by 11:30! Unheard of, especially for him!  

My TRX Suspension Kit arrived that afternoon too! I cannot WAIT to get going with that! Check it out:

2.22.2011

A Change in Plans - TD5W2

2.21.11
Slight change of plans.. I'm currently brainstorming on how I can effectively train.

Reason:
The hubby decided to workout with me for the first time since I met him over 4 years ago. Last night, I introduced him to ChaLean Extreme Burn Circuit 1.

While that puts me at week 2, it puts him 1 week behind me, and I wanted to start the TurboFire/ChaLean Hybrid last night.

So what I am "contemplating" is doing doubles, OR continuing with CEX as is and ADD TurboFire. I can do my cardio either in the morning while he's sleeping or after he leaves for work at night, this way we can to ChaLean together.

See the madness? lol

On top of all of that, I ordered the TRX Suspension System, cones, rings, and Kettlebells. 1. to add equipment to my home gym (I'm a personal trainer so i need the stuff anyway), and 2. I am going to need them to train for the Spartan and Tough Mudder (which my brother and I are OFFICIALLY entered into as of last night - yikes!)

OK, OK, OK, Yes! I AM a personal trainer, and YES I use workout videos. Why? because I love them. They are already done for me, I don't have to make my own routines, which can be time consuming believe it or not. Even trainers need trainers sometimes, and I trust the trainers I work out to on the videos. I don't buy "celebrity" videos; I buy the videos that have science behind them, that I know work.

Enough of that. The TRX Suspension System seems to be gaining in major popularity these days, so after doing much reading/research and youtube video watching, I decided that this is it. This is one of the key ingredients to my fitness routine to not only prepare for these races, but to get my body into the shape it needs to be in to function properly. I'm SO excited!

Also, I spoke to a colleague of mine out in the Vegas area yesterday morning. He is doing the Spartan Race in SoCal this upcoming weekend! So excited to hear about his experience and see some really cool pics! He did mention to me that I should consider using Insanity as well to train, because it is a good cardio endurance, mind control workout. So I'm contemplating that as well!


Update on the medication wean:
I visited the doc late last week and he wants me to stay where I am with the .5mg. After explaining the symptoms I was suffering from he wants me to slow down the decrease even more, so I have to stay here for a few more weeks. I am Ok with that, because the second .25mg drop I did was torture.


Plus, my anxiety out in public seems to be a little stronger, so he wants me to adapt more to each wean before I decrease. All-in-all though, it's been OK, and I'm feeling positive about the outcome!

2.19.2011

Dig Deeper - TDW1D3

Yesterday was an odd day of sorts.

I went to bed around the same time I usually do, but instead of sleeping until my normal time I woke up at 0545. I tried to fall back to sleep, but ended up popping out of bed at 0611 BRIGHT EYED AND BUSHY TAILED!

No complaints here! I was able to get in a morning workout. I had forgotten how great a morning workout makes me feel! Most likely because I haven't worked out in the morning since 2005!

I enjoyed a cup of Orange Sunrise while I folded the load of laundry that was in the dryer from the night prior. That was the perfect meal pre-workout as it gave me some energy and took the morning hunger pang away.

The morning's workout was ChaLean Extreme Burn Circuit 2, and I brought it by increasing the weights, it was this day that i realized how strong I have become.

During the day I had to work through some panic triggers and a mild anxiety attack while my DH and I were running errands. Traffic is a major trigger for me, and we ended up getting stuck in a pretty bad traffic jam while out. I just kept focused on my iPhone and read some articles on the Spartan Race Blog to keep my mind off of it, and for the most part it worked. ( I ♥ my iPhone)

Later on that evening, when DH went to work, it was time to go to work on myself. I had to play catch-up so I popped in ChaLean Extreme Burn Intervals and Ab Burner; which was the designated workout for the day.

Let's just say i forgot what CE Burn Intervals was! Goodness!!! It's a combo of strength endurance training (low weight for a long period of time) and Plyo/Turbo Jam. You also have to use leg resistance bands for a lot of the lower body work. No complaints.. but OUCH!!

This program made me dig deep, made me sweat out A LOT of DNA, and pushed me passed my quit limit. Well, actually I pushed myself passed my quit limit. There were so many times i wanted to stop, not the program itself, but the actual exercise I was doing. I kept digging deeper, almost brought to tears a couple of times because i just could not do 1 more rep, or do that extra squat, or failing before time was up. I only had to stop on one exercise and that was burpees. I am NOT good at burpees AT ALL, and I never have been.. instead I did the modified version, which (with all due respect) is not easy, not that i expect it to be, but dang!

For the first time in my years of using the DVD programs I found myself watching the count down clock. This program was NO JOKE, and i had to keep watching the timer tick down or i was going to throw in the proverbial towel. I didn't feel comfortable until the clock reached 9 minutes, but those were the longest 9 minutes of my life! I had to keep telling myself.. "The Spartan and the Mudder are your goals, if you fail HERE you will fail THERE.. what are you made of? Dig Deep! Eeking out 1 more rep, 1 more squat, 1 more burpee is not going to kill you, it's going to make you stronger! You want to get over that wall right? Run through mud? Then you need to do this! Think about all of the wounded soldiers you are doing this for! They won't give up and they are disabled! You are able bodied so use it to it's full potential!"

That was enough motivational talk to get me through the tough spots. In fact, 90% of the time i was envisioning being at the Spartan and blowing through with such precision, speed and determination all because i trained, and trained hard. If i train easy i will fail, and failure is NOT an option.

I am not going to deny that I was sick to my stomach afterward, but after i had my recovery drink it settled it a bit and took my shaking muscles away. My system was TAXED.

This morning i can feel every single muscle in my buttox, abs, arms, and back and Burn 3 is on the agenda for tonight. At least my blister doesn't hurt anymore!

I think this quote by Bruce Lee fits perfectly into this blog post:
If you always put limit on everything you do, physical or anything else. It will spread into your work and into your life. There are no limits. There are only plateaus, and you must not stay there, you must go beyond them.

2.15.2011

How it came about..

Hopefully, you read the info about what this blog is for. If not, please see the main page.
Today I posted this on my coaching group on facebook:
Re-starting ChaLean Extreme today. After many talks with Coach Susan, i think i am going to train for a Tough Mudder for 2012. I saw that they have a training regimen and it looks fabulous! So have to get started! My biggest weakness is endurance. It never used to be that way, when i was a kid and i would swim/train at “the Y”, i used to be able to swim underwater about 3/4 the length of an Olympic size pool over and over. My trainers used to be amazed at my underwater aquatic abilities lol. Now I’m lucky if i could run a 1/4 mile without wanting to keel over. So train i must!
That post started a VERY quick whirlwind with my brother and I, and HE decided to sign us up for the Tough Mudder in November.

I went to their website and looked at the obstacle course descriptions and I about had a panic attack.
Crawling through tubes, running through electrically charged fences, running through fire..and those are just to name a few.

I became light-headed, heart started racing, and the sweats started. Panic set in.

I decided to get in contact with MY coach, and asked his advice because he was having a hard time with nerves coming into a major event himself. His advice was basic and to the point. Don’t worry about time, just focus on surviving to the end, and train.

As basic as that was, it was very effective.

I already had planned to start a workout program tonight, (as i mentioned above), but now I’m going to increase the intensity of it all. Not only do I have to work on strength; I also have to work on endurance as well. I know Insanity™ is one of the most intense endurance training programs in the video market. It’s a completely mental program that pushes your limits, and I’m REALLY going to need that. I am also going to need extreme strength training, and as much as I LOVE ChaLean I may need something more intense, but I am going to stick with that until I can find a proper substitute.

9.11.2010

Kevin S. Cohen

Kevin, 9 Years have passed since those selfish, crazy, inhumane bastards ripped you from this Earth.
9 Years of hoping and praying that when you left us it was sudden and without pain.
There is not a day that goes by that I don’t think about you, remember the fun times with everyone. For everyday I have a picture of you on my dresser that I look at when I get ready to go wherever it is I have to go, that you no longer can, sitting right next to a picture of the WTC that i took when I visited many years before I even knew you.
Once a year we are forced to relive the pain that those people caused far too many of us. Civilians, working to pay the bills, support their families, or feel that they have arrived when they looked out of those windows atop one of the largest buildings at that time, which you did. You were great a what you did, so many times helping me figure out what the problems were, when no one else was around and even though it wasn’t your job to do so. That was you though, always extending your hand out to others when they needed you. Always had your door open to welcome friends and family no matter the time, day or night.
Kevin, your death does not go in vain, we try everyday to fight for what they took and what they continually try to take from us, from their own people even. It does not make sense; your tragic exit from us does not make sense. 9-11, a day that doesn’t make sense.
Every year when the bell tolls the 1st time, it rings through me like ice, for that is when the plane took your life. The 4th toll is even colder because that is when your tower was nothing more than a mass grave.
We hoped, we prayed that you took the day off, or were out for a jog.. but like me, you were the early bird. Always starting the day when noone else was there because you can get more done that way, as i laugh.
Today i will not be laughing. I will be remembering you and those lost both civilian and military since this started.
May you eternally Rest In Peace Kevin.

Friends Everywhere

When Kevin S. Cohen was 4, his family moved to a new house in Edison, N.J. Rather than being daunted by the move, little Kevin, the youngest of two boys, set out to make new friends. Soon, he was standing at his front door pointing to all the houses where he had made a friend.
“He would point with his little hands and say, ‘That’s my friend across the street, and that’s my friend from next door, and that’s my other friend from that house,’ ” said his mother, Marcia Cohen. “And then, he never changed. He was like a mother that way. You know how children leave home and then it’s the mother who brings them together year after year? Well, it was like that with my son. He had friends from all over. He was very compassionate, a lot of fun. He loved people, and people loved him back.”
On Aug. 17, Mr. Cohen, 28, who worked at Cantor Fitzgerald, took his parents to dinner at a fancy Italian restaurant to celebrate their 36th wedding anniversary. Mrs. Cohen was reluctant at first because she figured he would be tired on a Friday, after working all week. But he insisted.
“Kevin was so proud that he could take us to a nice place like that and take out his credit card and pay by himself,” Mrs. Cohen said. “He thought we had never been there before, but we had. We just didn’t tell him.”
Profile published in THE NEW YORK TIMES on November 24, 2001.

Kevin Cohen, 28, always on the go

Kevin Cohen loved to watch college and pro football — he always rooted for the underdog — and his favorite hobby was playing the keyboards in his New York City apartment, where the door was always open to friends.
Single, he possessed both boundless energy and a kind heart; he was the kind of guy who would call a friend’s mother, a widow, on Thanksgiving, and wish her well.
“I told him (recently), ‘Kevin, why don’t you slow down a bit?’ ” his mother, Marcia, of Edison, recalled. “He said, ‘Mom, I believe in living life to the fullest.’ “
Mr. Cohen, 28, a desktop support person for eSpeed, was working on the 101st floor of the World Trade Center‘s North Tower when the first hijacked airplane crashed into it on Sept. 11. His roommate, Scott Schertzer, 28, who worked for Cantor Fitzgerald, eSpeed’s parent company, was also among those lost.
Mr. Schertzer and Mr. Cohen attended J. P. Stevens High School in Edison together. Mr. Cohen went on to graduate from Western Oregon State College. He continued his studies in computers and became a Microsoft Certified Professional. Mr. Cohen then worked for Lucent Technologies before joining eSpeed a year and a half ago.
“He worked hard and played hard,” said Neil Cohen, his brother. “The guy was always on the go. He had more energy than anyone.”
“He had a great attitude,” Marcia Cohen said of her son. “Nothing got him down . . . He would call up and say, ‘Mom, I’m coming in and taking you out (for an anniversary or special occasion).’ It’s not like he was married and knew these things. He was single.’ “
Mr. Cohen loved to play and listen to music; his favorite groups were Widespread Panic and the Grateful Dead. In recent months, he had started exercising in earnest, running 5-8 miles a day, and was proud of the shape he was in.
Described by his mother as “always smiling, always happy-go-lucky,” Mr. Cohen wasn’t one to think much of or plan for the future.
“Kevin wasn’t the type of individual who made long-range plans,” said Barry Cohen, his father. “He lived day-to-day.”
Besides his parents and brother, Mr. Cohen is survived by his grandfather, Lou Nover of Manalapan.
Profile by Peter Genovese published in THE STAR-LEDGER.

9.06.2010

Turning the Page

Funny how Life works.
Back in July I had a doctor appointment. Nothing of concern, just a “how ya doin, making sure your medications are ok and that you are ok” type of visit. That visit turned into me being pulled out of work and put on disability.

Panic Attack
WOW
I wasn’t quite expecting that needless to say. I was thrust into intense therapy for the panic attacks. The first few weeks it was just talk therapywith the doc, I guess they do it to actually gauge the severity and what other things could be causing them.
Once she did her evaluation she thrust me into “exposure therapy”. MY GOODNESS! OK that sucks by the way, but it does help to a degree.
Doc initially took me out of work for 60 days. A couple of weeks prior to that cut-off not only was I worse, but I couldn’t foresee going back to work anytime soon. Now I had a decision to make; quit my perfectly great job working for a great company in this really crappy economy or have the doc extend my disability and continue with the exposure therapy.
He opted to extend me another 30 days, and I opted to continue my exposures. I was doing very well locally and on the nastiest highways in northern NJ.. Route 17, Route 4, even the Garden State Plaza Mall.. OMG! That would make a sane person go insane, imagine having panic disorder! I HAD to do it though, and I did do it. Was it tough? YES! Did I have a safety? OH YEAH! I have the greatest most understanding and patient husband around.
Then the mother of all exposures; she wanted me to make a mock trip to work, or to my Mom’s, which is about 1/2 way, and I had to do it alone.
Never happened.
I would get in the car and just sit there. I couldn’t do it. I was paralyzed. My panic levels would get so high I wanted to pass out. I sat there though just waiting for that feeling to subside, but it never did. Not until I got out of the car and put the thought of that exposure out of my mind.
After a few attempts of that during the course of the week, I had to make the decision. Quit my job or move back with Mom on a during-the-week basis so I could work. Yeah, I didn’t think the latter would be too healthy for my marriage, or me so I picked up the phone and called my boss and gave her the bad news.
It was very hard for me to make that call. Especially to someone I care about greatly. She was one of my Matrons-of-Honor at my wedding, she was there for me for all of my trials and tribulations, and she is a great friend, not just a boss. I am going to miss her tremendously.
But with the bad always comes the good; when God closes one door He opens another.
That afternoon I went on Careerbuilder.com, and for the hell of it posted my resume and filled out an application at a gym about 15 minutes away from my home. I didn’t care if I cleaned the bathrooms; I just needed to work, because I would never get a job in this economy doing what I was doing making the money I was making… so why not take the opportunity to position myself where I eventually want to be?
The next day the place I applied for called me for an interview. I went.. I saw.. I conquered. He hired me on the spot.
The only down side; because I don’t have my PT certification yet, I’m starting at the bottom, well almost. There is a new hire class coming up in a week or so so once I complete that I will be at level 2. So I’ll be making just a TINY bit more than a level 1. I have to get my certification quick so I can get back up to making what I was making and then some!
This isn’t going to be easy. In fact, I’m going to have to do a lot of self-improvement. Like selling etc. which I’m SO not good at! lol when someone says no I’m like “oh ok!” lol. I call it planting seeds… others call it giving up.
I’m not a quitter. I’m a fighter, and fighters win.
All I wanted was a full-time job and train others part-time to fulfill a need in me, and that was to help people get healthier. God has other plans I guess, and he needs me to do it on a full-time basis. Someone out there must need me!