Spousal Abuse - What an Abusive Realtionship Looks Like

9:22 PM Wednesday, October 12, 2011. I'm having a total recall moment about the abuse I endured on one particular night with my former spouse.

I'm blogging about today's experience with George and thinking about how our energy attracts energy, and it quickly brought me back to the night prior to my tonsillectomy back in 2003. I was married to the former and I wanted to have a really big steak dinner the night before my tonsillectomy because I knew I wasn't going to be eating very good food, if at all, for a couple of weeks. He had to go to an Elks meeting that night and said he would leave as soon as it was over and we would then go have dinner.

An hour and a half after I knew the meeting would have ended I called his cell phone and he did not answer. I waited 15 minutes and called again - he did not answer. I waited another 15 minutes then I got in my car and went over to the Elks Lodge where he was, not surprisingly, at the bar drinking. I became very irate, very angry, and very upset because (1) he was drinking (the catalyst to all of the problems), and (2) because we were supposed to go somewhere and he completely blew me off and disregarded me because he had hit the bottle. I then got in my car and proceeded to the restaurant without him.

It was raining that night, and on my way to the restaurant I hit a pothole the size of a crater because I couldn’t see it on the rain slicked roadway because it was filled with water. On top of it all I had to call for police escort because I was in a very bad neighborhood. The gentlemen at the gas station, which I broke down in front of, didn't speak a lick of English and couldn't even help me jack the car up. Shortly after the cop arrived another car hit that same pothole while I was trying to tend to my tire. Thankfully, the police officer was there and had witnessed it and was able to make a full and valid report of the damage to the roadway and our vehicles. I had AAA come and tow the car back to my house because I had a flat spare.. I can laugh now.

It was then that my husband pulled up.. now for anyone that knew him, it's no surprise that he dislikes cops it's an even bigger dislike because he knows that I want to be one, so naturally (in his drunken mind) I'm sleeping with the cop. But what was even worse was that he was there and drunk and I didn't say a word to the police officer. In fact, I kept him away from the police officer so he wouldn’t get in trouble. I did that for HIS daughter. As a truck driver had he gotten a DUI/DWI he would have had his license suspended which would take away his income and ultimately HIS daughter would have been the victim. Never did I defend him for HIM, I defended him for my safety and his daughter’s livelihood. As a child to a single mother growing up, I know how important every dollar is no matter how minimal the amount.

Make a long story short I never got the steak that night, but I did get a good tongue lashing over the next six hours about how I was sleeping with the cop, until he passed out. That was the second to the last fight that we had prior to me leaving for good.

The point at which I'm trying to make is that I was in such a negative-energy-state that night. I was angry, upset, I had anxiety, but mostly anger. All of that combined really, really created a wave of negativity around me to which brought me to the pothole.

I always believe everything happens for a reason. There's a reason why that happened that night. What that reason is I still don't know. Could the restaurant have caught on fire? Could I have been in an accident while I was on the highway? Could I have been mugged in the parking lot at the restaurant because it wasn’t in a nice area? There was a reason why I wasn't allowed to go to that restaurant that night. Was it divine intervention? Was it the negative energy I created for myself by reacting to the situation that way?

Whatever the reason is, it could very well explain why prior to my wisdom teeth surgery about a month ago, I was stressed out and anxious for absolutely no reason. I think it was my brain reliving the trauma of the night prior to my tonsillectomy. The one big difference is that I'm no longer married to that asshole and I have a wonderful husband who is very supportive and very caring and very concerned for my well-being, not his own selfish needs or wants.

It's amazing what we remember and what the mind recalls, when it recalls it, why it recalls it, and why sometimes these thoughts never pop into our minds. I almost feel sometimes like my brain is on overload and it's just trying to purge out the junk it doesn't need any more. Lately, as of the last couple of months, it's been doing a lot of purging. Digging up a lot of memories that are negative that I've experienced but that are linked to things that I’m experiencing now in the present. That's what I like to call a total recall. Could it be because I’m no longer on anti-depressants and anti-anxiety meds? Were those meds suppressing all of these memories? Or was my system so traumatically stressed out that it just shut all the visual memories down, and left the physical aspect (anxiety, depression, panic attacks) to run rampant until my visual mind was able to lasso it all together?

God only truly knows,  but because I sustained such heavy damage on my vehicle prior to going in for surgery, my car sat in front of my house with a flat tire. The entire time I was held captive in my own home recovering with an abusive alcoholic. Shortly after Easter, this would be about a couple of weeks after my surgery, my husband decided to get drunk when he came home from work, that in and of itself is high anxiety because you know what's coming… you're too weak to do anything about it and you have no way to get away from it, but like I said everything happens for a reason.

He decided to pick a fight that night… verbally berated the shit out of me… making me feel lower than I felt being only 70 pounds (because I could not eat) having zero energy (because I had no nutrition-if only Shakeology would have been invented back then), I couldn't talk (because of the surgery), so I crawled my way to the bathroom with my cell phone and I called my father. He ended up grabbing the phone from me and started telling my father that I was delusional because I was on medication, which was not true. When I heard that I grabbed his cell phone and I called my brother, and I locked myself in my bedroom where I could sit on the floor and pack a bag, while I waited for my brother to arrive. Meanwhile, unbeknownst to me, the cops were on their way.

The cops showed up before my brother could get there, and when they arrived they took my husband out of the house. They then broke into my room saw the condition I was in, put me on each of their arms and escorted me to my living room and then to my brother’s car. That was the night I left and I never went back. Well, until the next day with my brother to put the repaired spare tire on my car and drive it home.

It's funny how you can link the past to the present. I think about that a lot. How I felt.  Where my emotions were.  Where my strength came from, and the police officers that left with me. If you think about the police officers, how they were like my knights in shining armor at the time. Had it not been for them, my brother would probably be in jail right now because he probably would've killed my now ex-husband.

That whole year that I was married to him is just one big blank blur of anger and anxiety and depression. I wasn't happy. I find pictures of myself sometimes when I'm cleaning things out and I was not happy. There was never a smile on my face. It's amazing what we see when we look at our pictures.  It’s even more amazing when we can actually attach that to a recall.

For anyone that's in a bad relationship… Just get out! Don't worry about what if…? Save yourself! Wouldn't it be nice if…? Answer that question for yourself and believe me your survival instinct will kick in and you will know where to go and what to do, and God will put the right person(s) in your path. Don't live another day with that anxiety and anger and that abuse, it's just not good! It has destroyed the better part of my adult life! I have been suffering since I was 25 years old because of him and now I’m 37 and I'm just starting to get over it all now.

When my current AWESOME hubby and I had our pre-marriage meetings with our Church, Reverend Smith said this monster would rear its ugly head again in our marriage. I laughed and told him no way.. Well, he was right. In fact, it never truly wasn’t there because he had done so much damage I didn’t know how to be me. Kyle lets me be me, he holds my hand when I need it, he laughs with me, he’s always encouraging me, and supporting me, and trying to make me happy. He deals with my anxiety in traffic, he takes all the necessary steps he knows how to make sure my well-being is protected. THAT is how a REAL husband should treat you, not like my former. That is what a healthy relationship is, not what I was married to the first time.

When the Ebb ends the Flow begins

Riding the Ebb ended 3 days ago. Back on riding the Flow.

It started Friday night into Saturday with Night Sweats (that I'm still suffering from) and yesterday the panic train made a stop.

I have now come to the realization that this is completely hormonal. I don't have generalized anxiety disorder like i once thought and was diagnosed with. These attacks come in certain situations but are completely revolving around my menstrual cycle. They typically make a presence 1/2 way through my cycle and get progressively worse when my period arrives. My period arrived Monday and since then it's been panic city! At home, the car, in public, it doesn't matter.. it's there and it's all fired up!

The night sweats started 3 days before my period came. Waking up soaking wet in the middle of the night. I don't mean a little sweat. I mean A LOT, as though I took a shower. Being an Elite-Trainer on the Sharecare.com network, I decided to put my resources to work for me and looked to my colleagues for answers, and I found this great clip from Dr. Oz http://bit.ly/droznightsweats.

I have felt this way about this condition since 2005 when I had my first full-blown attack that put me in the emergency room. I looked up Pre-menstrual Dysphoric Disorder and the symptoms fit to the T. None of the anti-depressants the doctors put me on helped. I wasn't depressed - at least not consistently it would just be for a week or two before my period!

After reading books, articles, and everything in between they all suggested a hormone panel be done to pin point any and all ebbs and flows with marked data against how I was feeling. My regular doctor referred me to my Gyno/OBGYN and every doctor at the OBGYN office (there were 9 of them) said I'm too young to have a hormone panel, that it's anxiety disorder. No one would listen because I wasn't in the proper age category to be pre-menstrual or peri-menopausal, BUT all my symptoms revolved around my menstrual cycle. How is it that other women get these panels done, but I can't??

I have to switch to a new OBGYN because I now live way to far away from my current OBGYN. I'm hoping that this new doctor will listen to me this time. I'm tired of feeling this way, and it is clearly affecting my work, my lifestyle and everything else I have to deal with on a day to day basis.

Sometimes you need to be your own doctor; if anything to make sure you are getting the full picture of what's going on. 

I found this great article regarding PMDD, if you think you might suffer from this please consult with your doctor(s). I know I will be as everything I put in BOLD is what I suffer from. I also put an APP on my phone called iperiod; it allows you to mark EVERYTHING. This APP will come in very handy when I see the doctor.

Premenstrual dysphoric disorder
PMDD; Severe PMS

Last reviewed: December 22, 2010.

Premenstrual dysphoric disorder (PMDD) is a condition in which a woman has severe depression symptoms, irritability, and tension before menstruation. The symptoms of PMDD are more severe than those seen with premenstrual syndrome (PMS).

PMS refers to a wide range of physical or emotional symptoms that typically occur about 5 to 11 days before a woman starts her monthly menstrual cycle. The symptoms usually stop when or shortly after her period begins.
Causes, incidence, and risk factors

The causes of PMS and PMDD have not been found.

Hormone changes that occur during a woman's menstrual cycle appear to play a role.
PMDD affects between 3% and 8% of women during the years when they are having menstrual periods.

Many women with this condition have:
    Anxiety
    Major depression
    Seasonal affective disorder (SAD)

Other factors that may play a role include:
    Alcohol abuse
    Being overweight
    Drinking large amounts of caffeine
    Having a mother with a history of the disorder
    Lack of exercise

Symptoms

The symptoms of PMDD are similar to those of PMS. However, they are generally more severe and debilitating and include a least one mood-related symptom. Symptoms occur during the week just before menstrual bleeding and usually improve within a few days after the period starts.

Five or more of the following symptoms must be present to diagnose PMDD, including one mood-related symptom:
    Disinterest in daily activities and relationships
    Fatigue or low energy
    Feeling of sadness or hopelessness, possible suicidal thoughts
    Feelings of tension or anxiety
    Feeling out of control
    Food cravings or binge eating
    Mood swings marked by periods of teariness
    Panic attacks
    Persistent irritability or anger that affects other people
    Physical symptoms, such as bloating, breast tenderness, headaches, and joint or  muscle pain
    Problems sleeping
    Trouble concentrating

Signs and tests

No physical examination or lab tests can diagnose PMDD. A complete history, physical examination (including a pelvic exam), and psychiatric evaluation should be done to rule out other conditions.

Keeping a calendar or diary of symptoms can help women identify the most troublesome symptoms and the times when they are likely to occur. This information may help the health care provider diagnose PMDD and determine the best treatment.
Treatment

A healthy lifestyle is the first step to managing PMDD.
    Eat a balanced diet (with more whole grains, vegetables, fruit, and little or no salt, sugar, alcohol, and caffeine)
    Get regular aerobic exercise throughout the month to redue the severity of PMS symptoms
    Try changing your sleep habits before taking drugs for insomnia (See also: Sleeping difficulty)

Keep a diary or calendar to record:
    The type of symptoms you are having
    How severe they are
    How long they last

Antidepressants may be helpful.

The first option is usually an antidepressant known as a selective serotonin-reuptake inhibitor (SSRI). You can take SSRIs in the second part of your cycle up until your period starts, or for the whole month. Ask your doctor.

Cognitive behavioral therapy (CBT) may be used either with or instead of antidepressants. During CBT, you have about 10 visits with a mental health professional over several weeks.

Other treatments that may help include:

    Birth control pills may decrease or increase PMS symptoms, including depression
    Diuretics may be useful for women who gain a lot of weight from fluid retention
    Nutritional supplements -- such as vitamin B6, calcium, and magnesium -- may be recommended
    Other medicines (such as Depo-Lupron) suppress the ovaries and ovulation
    Pain relievers such as aspirin or ibuprofen may be prescribed for headache, backache, menstrual cramping and breast tenderness

Expectations (prognosis)

After proper diagnosis and treatment, most women with PMDD find that their symptoms go away or drop to tolerable levels.

Complications

PMDD symptoms may be severe enough to interfere with a woman's daily life. Women with depression may have worse symptoms during the second half of their cycle and may need changes in their medication.

As many as 10% of women who report PMS symptoms, especially those with PMDD, have had suicidal thoughts. Suicide in women with depression is much more likely to occur during the second half of the menstrual cycle.

PMDD may be associated with eating disorders and smoking.
Calling your health care provider
Call 911 or a local crisis line immediately if you are having suicidal thoughts.

Call for an appointment with your health care provider if:
    Symptoms do not improve with self-treatment
    Symptoms interfere with your daily life

References

    Vigod SN. Understanding and treating premenstrual dysphoric disorder: an update for the women's health practitioner. Obstet Gynecol Clin North Am. 2009;36:907-924, xii. [PubMed]
    Lentz GM. Primary and secondary dysmenorrhea, premenstrual syndrome, and premenstrual dysphoric disorder: etiology, diagnosis, management. In: Katz VL, Lentz GM, Lobo RA, Gershenson DM, eds. Comprehensive Gynecology. 5th ed. Philadelphia, Pa: Mosby Elsevier; 2007:chap 36.

    Review Date: 12/22/2010.

    Reviewed by: Susan Storck, MD, FACOG, Chief, Eastside Department of Obstetrics and Gynecology, Group Health Cooperative of Puget Sound, Bellevue, Washington; Clinical Teaching Faculty, Department of Obstetrics and Gynecology, University of Washington School of Medicine. Also reviewed by David Zieve, MD, MHA, Medical Director, A.D.A.M., Inc.

It's 2-Fold

Sorry I've been nearly non-existent lately. I have just been busy with clients and bootcamps, and haven't had time to blog.

The good news is.. I'm completely off of my medications. I'm not going to say it's been easy because it hasn't been. The first 2 days completely off were atrocious: headaches almost as bad as migraines, a few hard-core panic attacks..

Let's talk about that there panic attack for a moment, shall we? It was day 2, and i was REALLY OFF that day. VERY tired, cranky, headaches.. it was just awful! I was on my way to a client and 1/2 way there it hit me like a wrecking ball to the head... Sheer and utter panic. I get to my client's house.. no one is there.. i really needed to use the bathroom.. I know gross, but if you suffer from panic or anxiety disorders you most likely experience the same thing i do. Then MORE panic set in because i HAD to go and i didn't want to defecate myself. I called my husband to at least provide a distraction, and it worked for a few moments, then the wave came even harder. The client comes home and i explain to him what is going on and that i will have to call my husband to pick me up because I'm just sick.. He understood completely, thankfully, and eventually hubby arrived to come get me.. i left my car there and went home and went to bed.

Since then i have had 3 other attacks. One was the following week, on a Saturday then again the next Monday. I've had increased anxiety since then when going to this client. I speculate that it is just my brain associating that client and house with panic. Every day that i go there it's been getting better and better. I've found that chewing gum and singing my favorite Duran Duran tunes helps because I'm breathing a certain way. OH yeah.. forgot to mention. I noticed that when my anxiety starts i immediately check my breathing and sure enough I'm either holding my breath or shallow breathing. So that may even be the trigger to most of my attacks.. that I'm on auto-pilot when it comes to my breathing. it's just very strange.

It's been 3 full days now and i haven't had a single episode of either!

What i have been doing in addition to being consciously aware:
1. Doc put me on Sam-e, now i am not in any way/shape/form suggesting you take this holistic approach because it's not for everyone. This supplement acts like serotonin and stabilizes mood. Normally it's suggested for depression, but because the Lexapro is considered an anti-depressant it should have the same effect. The dangers associated with Sam-e are why i recommend talking to your doctor about it first, as it CAN make things worse as noted on it's side-effect/warnings all over the Internet. It takes 7-10 days to take too.. so it's not like popping vitamin-C and you feel better, it needs to build up in the system.

I'm not sure if it's the Sam-e that has been helping, or me trying to be aware and unafraid of my illness, but either way it's working.

2. EXERCISING! I am a personal trainer, and I own my own fitness business, and i host bootcamps M-F in my area. If you take a gander on the Internet and watch videos of some of the bootcamps out there you will notice instructors just shouting and motivating and counting time/reps. Not THIS instructor!! I WORK OUT WITH MY CAMPERS!
My theory is 3 sided:
1. If I have to wake up at 5am, I'm going to make the most out of it!
2. I'm a constant mirror of form, they can look at me and see how my body is positioned and if i notice them with bad form i can correct them and they can visually see me doing the workout properly.
3. How can i tell how effective the workouts are if i don't do them myself?!

It's been 3 weeks and not only do i feel the difference in my posture, strength, and physical appearance, I'm noticing great improvement in my cardiovascular endurance, and tolerance.. I think i might be ready for Insanity again! lol (I'll do it between cycles 1 & 2, when i have a week off). The Spartan Sprint Race is 2 weeks from tomorrow.. I feel pretty confident that I'm ready, or at least i will be ready... oh my heart just fluttered lol.. pre-race jitters lol

I find that getting that 0530 workout in gives me SO much more time and energy to get everything else done too. My campers mentioned the same thing going into week 2 "they have more energy throughout the day".

I HIGHLY recommend working out as a means to deal with anxiety disorder. I had another blog on wordpress last year and had tons of articles regarding that topic, but for some lame reason they suspended my account.. whatever.. looking to the future now and I've always been happier at Blogger anyway.

TD13

3.14.11

Daylight savings had me getting out of bed at 0945 this morning! Today felt like a swift wind, can't see it and blows by real fast!

It was Hubby's work day tonight, so dinner was earlier than normal. That kind of screws up my system a little bit, but they say variety is the spice of life! I'll play along.

No panic attacks today, I felt just a tad edgy for a brief moment around 2pm ET, the majority of the day i felt a bit depressed, not unmotivated depressed.. ok maybe depressed isn't the correct word. I felt helpless... ok that will fit a bit better... Although i had some great phone calls with advertising companies and the local Chamber of Commerce and a great friend out in the Vegas area, I still felt helpless. Like i'm going nowhere, even though i'm doing all i can do at the moment to get this business up and running. Enough about that though let's get to the training..


Tonight's workout was ChaLean Push Circuit 1 and Extreme Abs. Oh goodness lol. Push is a lot different than Burn. Instead of working the upper and lower body at the same time like Burn, you only work one part at a time, with heavy weight for 8 reps max. If your arms don't feel like jello, you aren't lifting heavy enough! Never-the-less it was a great workout! Extreme Abs is EXTREME, it's not for the faint at heart, it burns immediately and you hold that for about 15 minutes! Feels GREAT though!

I have decided that Tuesday's and Thursdays are going to be my TRX Training days; keep it simple and remember it with the letter 'T'! 

The weather was a bit chilly, so i opted not to start the C25K. I'm keeping my eye on the weather this week to see when i can fit that in. It looks like Friday might be the day for that! Temps will be in the lower 60's.

Oh yeah, the food journal.. I consumed about 1300 calories today. I'm up to 1085 right now and still have to add in a part of dinner, but i have to do research because it's boneless pork chops.

 

Speed Bump

3.13.11

Hit a minor speed bump.
On day 3 of panic attacks, so i haven't been training. The weather has been cooperating and I had every intention of starting C25K this weekend, but my body had it's own idea, and i am a bit troubled by it.

I haven't had an attack in quite a while, I've had uneasy feelings in certain situations, but not a full-on panic attack.

It started Friday mid-afternoon. Our new carpet was being installed, hubby was in the dining room playing on his computer and I was cleaning the kitchen and chatting with him when i started to feel 'edgy'.

I went outside on the back deck to catch my breathe and cool down (with the edginess comes hot flashes and the feeling of not being able to breathe), once i caught the chill i went back in the house and had some cold water to drink. I felt OK after about 5 minutes.

Saturday, hubby and I were out and about running errands. We decided to go to a local tex-mex place, but on the way there we were detoured because of flooding. I got a little edgy a couple of times, but nothing too severe. We got to the restaurant, and there were a ton of little kids there, i mean LITTLE, like the ones that scream and cry for no reason at all but to hear themselves? yeah, those. I spotted a booth in the far corner of the quieter side of the main room and asked the host if we could sit there, he told us he had to have it cleared, but we could wait if we wanted. Well, that waiting period did me in, we never got seated in that booth because no one ever cleared it, so he put us in the main dining room seated behind a party of 6, and surrounded by little babies. Look, I love little babies, but not that many in one place in a crowded bustling dining room when I'm already 'edgy'.

It took the waitress forever and a day to get to us, and by that time I was already in 'flight' mode. So we left and got stuck in traffic on the way to the U-turn on the highway (because of the flooding). That's when the big one started, tunnel vision, stomach drops, shaking, light-headed, chest heavy, hot flashes..... to name a few. I saw the exit ramp, I saw the other side of the highway (which was moving at a fast pace), there was no reason to have an attack that severe. I vocally tried to calm myself down, nothing was working... next step was to jump out of the truck and run, or cry, but hubby pulled into the adjacent parking lot and cut through and took the back roads to familiar roads with no traffic. He's a God send.  

Today, day 3,  I haven't had any 'attacks', but i have felt off-the-mark. Not sure if it's the fear of having another attack, or the fact that I'm just frustrated at it all. I'm weaning off of my meds so we can start a family, and I've been doing AWESOME with the weaning, minus a couple of very minor events that had to do with the wean itself. Now this.. 3 days of hell.


Last week i started a food journal, and i only logged 2 days. Looking back, it's clear that I'm barely reaching the 1200 minimum mark. So i decided today to make sure i did. Hubby went grocery shopping for us, since that is usually a place that triggers an attack because of the loud music in the store (why!?) and the crowds and the lines.

I entered the nutrition label information, weighing my foods, making sure the portion sizes I'm consuming are correct; I'm up to about 1500 calories today. The majority of those calories came after 1pm, and since then i haven't been feeling 'edgy'. Either the lack of calories is triggering the attacks, OR it's just a coincidence that they are subsiding. 

I'm going to have to monitor and maybe play around to see if maybe lack of calories isn't creating the problem.

Dig Deeper - TDW1D3

Yesterday was an odd day of sorts.

I went to bed around the same time I usually do, but instead of sleeping until my normal time I woke up at 0545. I tried to fall back to sleep, but ended up popping out of bed at 0611 BRIGHT EYED AND BUSHY TAILED!

No complaints here! I was able to get in a morning workout. I had forgotten how great a morning workout makes me feel! Most likely because I haven't worked out in the morning since 2005!

I enjoyed a cup of Orange Sunrise while I folded the load of laundry that was in the dryer from the night prior. That was the perfect meal pre-workout as it gave me some energy and took the morning hunger pang away.

The morning's workout was ChaLean Extreme Burn Circuit 2, and I brought it by increasing the weights, it was this day that i realized how strong I have become.

During the day I had to work through some panic triggers and a mild anxiety attack while my DH and I were running errands. Traffic is a major trigger for me, and we ended up getting stuck in a pretty bad traffic jam while out. I just kept focused on my iPhone and read some articles on the Spartan Race Blog to keep my mind off of it, and for the most part it worked. ( I ♥ my iPhone)

Later on that evening, when DH went to work, it was time to go to work on myself. I had to play catch-up so I popped in ChaLean Extreme Burn Intervals and Ab Burner; which was the designated workout for the day.

Let's just say i forgot what CE Burn Intervals was! Goodness!!! It's a combo of strength endurance training (low weight for a long period of time) and Plyo/Turbo Jam. You also have to use leg resistance bands for a lot of the lower body work. No complaints.. but OUCH!!

This program made me dig deep, made me sweat out A LOT of DNA, and pushed me passed my quit limit. Well, actually I pushed myself passed my quit limit. There were so many times i wanted to stop, not the program itself, but the actual exercise I was doing. I kept digging deeper, almost brought to tears a couple of times because i just could not do 1 more rep, or do that extra squat, or failing before time was up. I only had to stop on one exercise and that was burpees. I am NOT good at burpees AT ALL, and I never have been.. instead I did the modified version, which (with all due respect) is not easy, not that i expect it to be, but dang!

For the first time in my years of using the DVD programs I found myself watching the count down clock. This program was NO JOKE, and i had to keep watching the timer tick down or i was going to throw in the proverbial towel. I didn't feel comfortable until the clock reached 9 minutes, but those were the longest 9 minutes of my life! I had to keep telling myself.. "The Spartan and the Mudder are your goals, if you fail HERE you will fail THERE.. what are you made of? Dig Deep! Eeking out 1 more rep, 1 more squat, 1 more burpee is not going to kill you, it's going to make you stronger! You want to get over that wall right? Run through mud? Then you need to do this! Think about all of the wounded soldiers you are doing this for! They won't give up and they are disabled! You are able bodied so use it to it's full potential!"

That was enough motivational talk to get me through the tough spots. In fact, 90% of the time i was envisioning being at the Spartan and blowing through with such precision, speed and determination all because i trained, and trained hard. If i train easy i will fail, and failure is NOT an option.

I am not going to deny that I was sick to my stomach afterward, but after i had my recovery drink it settled it a bit and took my shaking muscles away. My system was TAXED.

This morning i can feel every single muscle in my buttox, abs, arms, and back and Burn 3 is on the agenda for tonight. At least my blister doesn't hurt anymore!

I think this quote by Bruce Lee fits perfectly into this blog post:

If you always put limit on everything you do, physical or anything else. It will spread into your work and into your life. There are no limits. There are only plateaus, and you must not stay there, you must go beyond them.

Turning the Page

Funny how Life works.

Back in July I had a doctor appointment. Nothing of concern, just a “how ya doin, making sure your medications are ok and that you are ok” type of visit. That visit turned into me being pulled out of work and put on disability.

WOW

I wasn’t quite expecting that needless to say. I was thrust into intense therapy for the panic attacks. The first few weeks it was just talk therapywith the doc, I guess they do it to actually gauge the severity and what other things could be causing them.

Once she did her evaluation she thrust me into “exposure therapy”. MY GOODNESS! OK that sucks by the way, but it does help to a degree.

Doc initially took me out of work for 60 days. A couple of weeks prior to that cut-off not only was I worse, but I couldn’t foresee going back to work anytime soon. Now I had a decision to make; quit my perfectly great job working for a great company in this really crappy economy or have the doc extend my disability and continue with the exposure therapy.

He opted to extend me another 30 days, and I opted to continue my exposures. I was doing very well locally and on the nastiest highways in northern NJ.. Route 17, Route 4, even the Garden State Plaza Mall.. OMG! That would make a sane person go insane, imagine having panic disorder! I HAD to do it though, and I did do it. Was it tough? YES! Did I have a safety? OH YEAH! I have the greatest most understanding and patient husband around.

Then the mother of all exposures; she wanted me to make a mock trip to work, or to my Mom’s, which is about 1/2 way, and I had to do it alone.

Never happened.

I would get in the car and just sit there. I couldn’t do it. I was paralyzed. My panic levels would get so high I wanted to pass out. I sat there though just waiting for that feeling to subside, but it never did. Not until I got out of the car and put the thought of that exposure out of my mind.

After a few attempts of that during the course of the week, I had to make the decision. Quit my job or move back with Mom on a during-the-week basis so I could work. Yeah, I didn’t think the latter would be too healthy for my marriage, or me so I picked up the phone and called my boss and gave her the bad news.

It was very hard for me to make that call. Especially to someone I care about greatly. She was one of my Matrons-of-Honor at my wedding, she was there for me for all of my trials and tribulations, and she is a great friend, not just a boss. I am going to miss her tremendously.

But with the bad always comes the good; when God closes one door He opens another.

That afternoon I went on Careerbuilder.com, and for the hell of it posted my resume and filled out an application at a gym about 15 minutes away from my home. I didn’t care if I cleaned the bathrooms; I just needed to work, because I would never get a job in this economy doing what I was doing making the money I was making… so why not take the opportunity to position myself where I eventually want to be?

The next day the place I applied for called me for an interview. I went.. I saw.. I conquered. He hired me on the spot.

The only down side; because I don’t have my PT certification yet, I’m starting at the bottom, well almost. There is a new hire class coming up in a week or so so once I complete that I will be at level 2. So I’ll be making just a TINY bit more than a level 1. I have to get my certification quick so I can get back up to making what I was making and then some!

This isn’t going to be easy. In fact, I’m going to have to do a lot of self-improvement. Like selling etc. which I’m SO not good at! lol when someone says no I’m like “oh ok!” lol. I call it planting seeds… others call it giving up.

I’m not a quitter. I’m a fighter, and fighters win.

All I wanted was a full-time job and train others part-time to fulfill a need in me, and that was to help people get healthier. God has other plans I guess, and he needs me to do it on a full-time basis. Someone out there must need me!

As The Journey Continues

…I’m finding myself becoming more emotional.

It’s normal, I know, but it hit me hard last night when I was going through my stuff to pack. I found photo albums my Aunt gave to me from my childhood that had my baby photos with my Grandparents (now deceased).. I started to cry. lol I laugh now, but I was besides myself last night!

I looked around the room, the room I grew up in and left for about 10 years before I moved back home, all of the familiar things: the artwork, the pictures on the wall of my tribute to my now deceased friend Kevin c/o 9/11,  the photos I took of the towers when I was younger, my trip to Florida with the mustang club I took right before I met Kyle, the photo of my brother and I in Orlando on that same trip. Memories.. happy memories (minus the 9/11, but I will not forget, or allow myself too).

That started the internal movie projector to turn on and start running through all of the fun times I had with my friends after I moved back home . The time I spent as a first responder on the Rescue Squad, the bar hopping we all did, the football games my girl and I used to go to.. Saturday lunch trips to NYC on a whim.. Things I no longer do because life is different now. Friends have kids and families, the group isn’t as tight as it once was because of it.. ya know.. life stuff.. it’s all good, but I reminisce, and digress.

The emotions were very overwhelming to say the least. Then that feeling of fear came over me.. am I doing the right thing? is HE doing the right thing? the safety and comfort of my current life.. my room.. it’s like  HOME BASE. Whenever anything goes wrong I go there and everything else disappears. Sounds childish I know, but when you have been where I have been you need a familiar place to call “uncle” on life. I don’t answer to anyone there, I don’t have to tend to anyone there, OK so I have to put up with the dogs barking next door, but it lasts mere seconds compared to other stuff like the new commute to work, (OMG the thought makes me shiver). My workouts will be affected, at least at first until I can manage a routine for myself, barring traffic delays (which is inevitable), dinner won’t be ready for me after my workouts like it is now. I guess this is what they call growing up? Nah.. I’m grown-up, I just have the greatest Mom that likes to cook and cooks me dinner! I do dishes though, so don’t think I’m totally spoiled.

I think the Reverend was right; I am definitely going to need an adjustment period. I’m going from “Me” to having to share “Me”. It’s been 7 years since I’ve had to share myself.. 7 years! felt like yesterday, but still. The one good thing is that he works nights, so I will have plenty of ME time, I won’t get that feeling of instant suffocation once I move up there. In my opinion, this relationship is perfect ‘because’ of his job.. He’s not home every single minute I am, so on those nights that he’s working I can workout at my leisure and not have to worry about cooking for anyone but myself. Not that I mind cooking or anything, it’s just easier when I don’t have to worry about what kind of food-mood the other is in.

I’ll also have my dog with me, so that will help. It won’t just be me moving, I’ll have my baby-girl with me. My Matron-of-honor is also from my area, and she is now married and living a town over from where I will be. She hates it up there too because the people are just so damn messed up. No one is nice, it’s everyone for themselves, or everyone is in your business whether they should be or not, the traffic is horrendous, everything is closed on Sundays (WTF IS THAT!?).. the literal rat-race. So being up there with her will be comforting as well since her and I have the same personality that comes with central Jersey.. yes, it does exist.. it’s in between the rat-race and the laid back lifestyle of southern Jersey.

As you can see in my ramblings.. that fear of change is all too apparent. I’m nervous about how I will handle it, how our relationship will handle it.. it’s all a life progression I know, but like I said before if you are nervous about something that usually means you are making the right decision.

Listening

The Audio book i was listening to is now finished. (For back ground see my previous posts: Reading or Listening &   Reading or Listening II)

I am going to miss this book, and it’s narrator on my commutes back and forth to work.

I enjoyed this book so much that i actually listened to the Author talk about how the book came about after the story was finished. I just couldn’t let it go. Listening to the Author speak about the history of the book, made it that much more fascinating to hear. Normally i don’t like fiction because it is just that, fake, but this story appealed to me because though certain events could not have happened, we all sometimes wish that they did or could. The people were based off of people in his personal life, though maybe not their exact personalities, but.. well, listen for yourself and you will understand.

The emotional roller coaster was awesome. I was first intrigued, than i wanted to cry, and i might have had i not been driving on the highway during a rain storm (Ahhh the angels cried for me! ), anger would set in at times, then a lot of laughter, tears would flow again, laughter and on and on until the end when it all came together. Peace and calm would prevail at the end, then sorrow that the book was finished. I was almost hoping that there was a part 2!! but honestly i don’t think there could be.

“The Shack” is a book (in any format you prefer) that i highly recommend to those of the Christian Faith. If you don’t believe in God this book will not appeal to you because you just won’t understand it. Well… maybe you will, one never knows, it just depends i guess on how open minded you are. I recommend it especially if you have had something profound happen in your life and you just want some peace. It helps with perspective it really does.

I think tomorrow i may just start disk #1 again and try to listen to see if there wasn’t something i didn’t miss. Surely, the element of surprise won’t be there like it was for the last week or so, but maybe I’ll pick up on something. There were quiet a few times i would have to rewind and re-listen to some of the story because i was near a lot of other vehicles and had to pay extreme attention to the roadway, or i would just zone out thinking about something i just heard and mentally compared it to something in my life.

In any event, if you are looking for a light-hearted, life infused, roller coaster of emotion book to listen too or read, pick “The Shack” up. Surely you won’t be disappointed.