A Bit of Honesty

They say that if you aren’t nervous about something then it’s not the right decision.

I’m nervous.

In 17 days I will be married. This isn’t something I take lightly. It’s also something I have had a negative experience with with my ex-husband. Though I know in my body and soul that the two of them are NOTHING alike, I still have that nervousness.. that fear.

Ya see, though the X was no picnic prior to the wedding day, he also wasn’t the Dr. Jekyll Mr. Hyde that morphed from the wedding night on. I guess he felt that once the ring was on the finger it was ok to come out of the closet with his alcoholism full-bore. I was the wall he smashed into & I haven’t been the same since.

Though divorced since 2004, and in therapy since then, there are some residuals that aren’t going to go away over-night. Anxiety, is obviously one of them, since it’s now a big part of who I am. Insecurity is another, because of his lies, his actions, his infidelities. Fear, that this marriage will also fail.

In session with the Reverend, he mentioned that this would become an issue eventually. Be it right away or down the road, these types of events and emotions do not just “go-away”; especially since my Fiancè and I do not cohabitate. I sat in session thinking to myself that I was passed all of that, but apparently I’m not. If I was I wouldn’t be feeling the way I do now. I would instead be excited and elated and on cloud 9! (though I am, there is the under-lying that I am speaking about).

According to the Reverend, my Fiancees “job” is to just see me through it and understand that it’s not personal and not a reflection of him, I am just reacting to a past behavior. Now, had I not been in therapy I would think it’s total BS, but it’s not. He’s right. None of this falls on my Fiancè, it’s my issue, he just needs to be my support while I go through it. In my pre-therapy days I would think it’s HIS fault that I feel the way I do. That HE’S not loving me properly or what-have-you. No, such is not the case.

My job now is to try to relate my feelings to what I have gone through, not what I’m going to go through. That transition and awareness is very hard, especially once life starts moving full-speed-ahead again; right now we are in the pre-wedding holding pattern. Once the honeymoon and dopamine rush is finished is when my awareness will have to be on point. I think we will have to have a code word or something lol.

Who knows though, this could all be pre-wedding jitters. I never thought I would experience it, but I guess I am in a minor way not related to “our” relationship per se.