I had a major set back 2 weekends ago. Well, actually the set back ended up being the catalyst for me to get aggressive and do something about this. Through the course of the last few months I have determined that whatever is ailing me isn't anxiety or panic, it's hormonal. I have the iPeriod App on my iPhone and I've been tracking my moods and symptoms and it's all revolving around my cycle.
I have been saying since this nightmare started in 2004-2005 that it was hormonal. All of my symptoms point to it, but because "doctors know best" i believed them when they told me "anxiety". Thanks for the label! So I've been suffering with "anxiety" for nearly 10 years now. It's put my life in a stand still, and I'm pissed. NO MORE!
A couple of weekends ago, i had an unexplained, unprovoked, crazy - insane episode that made me want to admit myself to a rubber room! I'm not kidding! Instead, I called my BFF and her Fiance (who's practically a doctor) and they came over to my house and he discussed everything that i was going through with me. He feels that it's hormonal too, but what is causing it, and has been the culprit for so many years going undetected?
He pointed me in the direction of an endocrinologist, because those are the docs that handle things like this.. REALLY?!? I thought they were just for diabetics.. had i known..... but i digress. He also gave me an idea of what type of tests they should run, great! i have a starting point.
The rest of the weekend i suffered in silence, but i now had a light shining at the end of the tunnel so i was motivated and felt a little at ease despite the symptoms being overwhelming. I researched the doctors in my plan that fell into the category of doctors i needed.
First thing that Monday i started calling to make appointments. The first office i tried calling, Dr. Cobin in Ridgewood NJ, her staff was absolutely RUDE, short, no help at all, i refuse to be a part of a practice to be treated like garbage. The next doctor, no answer. The 3rd doctor, staff was unbelievably friendly and helpful so i booked my appointment, but not until January 18th! WHAT?! OK I'll suffer. In the meantime, I'll make an appointment with the Internal Medicine/Family Practice doctor my hubby goes to.
3 days later i met with a great, younger female doctor that listened to every single one of my symptoms. Talked to me about what I've endured the last 10 years. Made a photocopy of the list of symptoms I wrote down, and discussed tests, and what she feels is the culprit. Her goal: find out WHY.
I'm scheduled for pelvic ultrasounds next week to check the ovaries for cysts, an EKG to address the fluttering i get in my chest to rule out and cardiac problems, and 6 vials of blood to run all the tests that will possibly lead to the issue.. If anything, a base-line for the endocrinologist to start with.
When i told her who the Endo-Dr was she was happy with my choice. She knows the doctor and gave him high praises, as did the patients that left their recommendations all over the Internet. I feel better knowing i will end up in good hands in January, and that i finally found a doctor that isn't brushing this off as anxiety or stress. Who doesn't have stress!?! lol
In the meantime, Monday is my pelvic ultrasound, i hate those, but it has to be done. I'll keep you updated on the results of that. I can't wait to get this over with so i can be a productive member of society again!
Here is a list of symptoms that i was experiencing for 5 days straight:
Dizzy
Nausea
Heart Palps/Rapid Heart Beat
Night Sweats
Extreme Hot Flashes that lasted for HOURS
Anxiety/Panic feeling
Sensitivity to light, smells, sounds
Insomnia
Headaches
Severe oily skin
Acne
Trouble Concentrating
Confusion
Couldn't Remember anything
Sever bouts of uncontrolled hysterical crying
Moody
No Appetite
Jittery
Jumpy
Tingling in my hands and feet
The hardest part was the hot flashes and the nausea. When i say hot flashes they didn't come and go. I was extremely hot for hours on end, the cooling off/tremors started at around 10pm at night, then i would have night sweats, and when i say hot, i don't mean I'm uncomfortably warm, I'm sweating, and feel like I'm on fire. I could literally sit outside in a bikini and melt a 10 foot pile of snow with my hands and not feel a bit of cold. That's extreme - that's the scary part. I don't think stress or anxiety carries all of these symptoms at once, in fact i know it doesn't. Thankfully I'm on the road to getting this resolved and have doctors that actually care now.
11.23.2011
10.29.2011
Snow in October?!?
I can't believe it's not even November yet and I had to shovel 5 inches of snow! It's OCTOBER! It doesn't snow in New Jersey in October!!! But I digress.. I think I know what the baby girl that my-self gave me on the beach meant. Oh, I’m sorry, for those of you just coming in please refer to the story about the baby here.
My friend, who was one of the Matrons-of-Honor in my wedding party, had her baby on Monday, and it was a beautiful baby girl!
That was shocking as I predicted a baby boy. I have been 7 for 7 with baby predictions and that is why this was a shock to me, so now I’m 7 for 8! Still not bad for a day’s work! I’m so happy for her and her hubby; they now have a beautiful family!
On to other great news!
Taking into consideration all of the other “possibilities” of what the baby could have meant; other “things” have been born this week as well!
First, MUMS Fit Club has been born! I am a Coach with Team Beachbody and we had what is called a Super Saturday last weekend. The purpose of these events it to link Coaches together and announce company and coach news… BIG NEWS! The events are fun, and inspiring, and informative. I was fortunate to get connected to another coach that lives 15 minutes from me that I never knew existed. Together we will be holding MUMS Fit Club at Tiger Schulmann’s on Route 17 in Paramus on Thursdays at 10am starting on November 10th 2011. It’s FREE. FREE?!? Yep, FREE! It is a service we are offering to the community. Why? Because we can.. That’s the beauty of doing what we do! BTW MUMS stands for Making Us Moms Sexy; i know I'm not a Mom just yet, but the club is targeted towards Stay at home moms or moms that might be out of work temporarily because of the economy.
Second, I have created 2 FREE challenge groups of 5 people each, and I am just 1 person shy of filling the 2nd group! I did that in 1 week. I will be doing this for the beginning of every month until there is no more interest. So get a jump-start on your New Year’s Resolutions and let me help you with FREE fitness coaching! WHY? Because I can.. that’s the beauty of doing what I do!
Third, I met with the community center and submitted my application for that Fit Club. The scheduler loved the idea, and loved that it was free, but the board has to approve it; it goes up for vote on the 9th! Why this is a big deal is because I didn’t have any anxiety or panic, nor did I stumble over my tongue! I got dressed in casual business attire, did this whacked breathing technique that George (see baby story) told me about. I nearly passed out in the car from this technique, but I’ll just keep working on perfecting it! Maybe next time I’ll do it prior to getting in the car. Doing this is the biggest deal because I think I’m finally getting my brain out of this mode, and I feel REALLY great! I can’t remember the last time I felt this good to be quite honest.
I’ve also been stretching and foam rolling every day; my body is now feeling a bit better. I’m still tight in my neck and upper back, but it’s getting better so much so that I’ve gotten 2 good workouts in in two days. I’ve been feeling full of energy so I pulled out a trusted favorite, TurboJam. Friday I did Cardio Party and Ab Jam.. Whoa! I forgot how effective Ab Jam was! I definitely felt that today, but that didn’t stop me.. no no.. I’m a glutton for punishment.. I went with Punch, Kick, and Jam tonight! It hurts to sneeze, but it feels oh so good.. I miss that feeling… the feeling of the muscles broken down and repairing. THAT is a soreness I don’t mind at all! It's better than being stressed and feeling depressed!
In a way I'm glad it snowed, yeah I know.. how could I be glad that it's snowing in October? It gave me time to get a good workout in, I shoveled - which gave me a great workout, and I was able to reflect on the greatness of this past week and type it up and share with you! Thanks for listening!
10.20.2011
Take the Beachbody Challenge with me!
What IS the Beachbody Challenge?
It's a health and fitness transformation competition. Commit to get fit and share the results you achieve with any Beachbody® program. You'll automatically get a free wristband, a free T-shirt, or BOTH! If your transformation is selected as the BEST in your age and gender category (18 - 29, 30 - 39, 40 - 49, 50+) you could win up to $100,000! Ready to win?
I will be personally coaching Challenge Teams made up of five (or more) individuals that are taking the Beachbody Challenge. Please CONTACT ME if you are interested in participating with one of these teams. I will send you all the details. If you already have a fitness program in mind, let me know that as well. I'm going to try and pair people together that are doing the same program. People in my Challenge Team Groups will commit to:
- Following a Beachbody fitness program.
- Drinking Shakeology on a daily basis.
- Learning basic nutritional theory and eating to fuel your body for workouts and recovery.
- Posting daily accountability in a private Facebook group viewable only by members of the Challenge Team.
- FINISHING! This isn't about starting, it is about finishing! You do not need to be on a Challenge Team to participate in the Beachbody Challenge. The Challenge is open to everyone. What I am offering with the Challenge Teams is an added measure of accountability and personal coaching. The concept of Challenge Teams is that the people participating have much better odds of success.
Here's how to enter:
Tell us which fitness program you plan to follow, state your goals, and start tracking your progress. You'll want to take a "before" photo to remember what you looked like and submit your results when you are finished. For making this simple commitment, we'll send you a FREE WRISTBAND.
(It's okay to skip step 1 if you're already in shape and want to submit your fitness results.)
Got results from your Beachbody program? It's time to submit your transformation story. Send us your "before" and "after" photos, transformation stats, and tell us your story. We'll give you a FREE T-SHIRT and you'll have a chance to win additional prizes. YOU CAN WIN up to $100,000!
If your entry is selected as the top transformation in your age and gender category for the month in which you entered, you'll win $1,000 and a shot at the Grand Prize.
Plus you'll have a chance to win:
- Daily Prizes: $500 just for logging your workouts in the WOWY SuperGym® after you commit to get fit or submit your results.
- Quarterly Prizes: $5,000 and an expenses-paid trip.
- Bonus prizes for drinking Shakeology® during your transformation.
Ready to WIN? Enter now.
The Beachbody Challenge 2011 - 2012 Official Contest Rules:
10.13.2011
Spousal Abuse - What an Abusive Realtionship Looks Like
9:22 PM Wednesday, October 12, 2011. I'm having a total recall moment about the abuse I endured on one particular night with my former spouse.
I'm blogging about today's experience with George and thinking about how our energy attracts energy, and it quickly brought me back to the night prior to my tonsillectomy back in 2003. I was married to the former and I wanted to have a really big steak dinner the night before my tonsillectomy because I knew I wasn't going to be eating very good food, if at all, for a couple of weeks. He had to go to an Elks meeting that night and said he would leave as soon as it was over and we would then go have dinner.
An hour and a half after I knew the meeting would have ended I called his cell phone and he did not answer. I waited 15 minutes and called again - he did not answer. I waited another 15 minutes then I got in my car and went over to the Elks Lodge where he was, not surprisingly, at the bar drinking. I became very irate, very angry, and very upset because (1) he was drinking (the catalyst to all of the problems), and (2) because we were supposed to go somewhere and he completely blew me off and disregarded me because he had hit the bottle. I then got in my car and proceeded to the restaurant without him.
It was raining that night, and on my way to the restaurant I hit a pothole the size of a crater because I couldn’t see it on the rain slicked roadway because it was filled with water. On top of it all I had to call for police escort because I was in a very bad neighborhood. The gentlemen at the gas station, which I broke down in front of, didn't speak a lick of English and couldn't even help me jack the car up. Shortly after the cop arrived another car hit that same pothole while I was trying to tend to my tire. Thankfully, the police officer was there and had witnessed it and was able to make a full and valid report of the damage to the roadway and our vehicles. I had AAA come and tow the car back to my house because I had a flat spare.. I can laugh now.
It was then that my husband pulled up.. now for anyone that knew him, it's no surprise that he dislikes cops it's an even bigger dislike because he knows that I want to be one, so naturally (in his drunken mind) I'm sleeping with the cop. But what was even worse was that he was there and drunk and I didn't say a word to the police officer. In fact, I kept him away from the police officer so he wouldn’t get in trouble. I did that for HIS daughter. As a truck driver had he gotten a DUI/DWI he would have had his license suspended which would take away his income and ultimately HIS daughter would have been the victim. Never did I defend him for HIM, I defended him for my safety and his daughter’s livelihood. As a child to a single mother growing up, I know how important every dollar is no matter how minimal the amount.
Make a long story short I never got the steak that night, but I did get a good tongue lashing over the next six hours about how I was sleeping with the cop, until he passed out. That was the second to the last fight that we had prior to me leaving for good.
The point at which I'm trying to make is that I was in such a negative-energy-state that night. I was angry, upset, I had anxiety, but mostly anger. All of that combined really, really created a wave of negativity around me to which brought me to the pothole.
I always believe everything happens for a reason. There's a reason why that happened that night. What that reason is I still don't know. Could the restaurant have caught on fire? Could I have been in an accident while I was on the highway? Could I have been mugged in the parking lot at the restaurant because it wasn’t in a nice area? There was a reason why I wasn't allowed to go to that restaurant that night. Was it divine intervention? Was it the negative energy I created for myself by reacting to the situation that way?
Whatever the reason is, it could very well explain why prior to my wisdom teeth surgery about a month ago, I was stressed out and anxious for absolutely no reason. I think it was my brain reliving the trauma of the night prior to my tonsillectomy. The one big difference is that I'm no longer married to that asshole and I have a wonderful husband who is very supportive and very caring and very concerned for my well-being, not his own selfish needs or wants.
It's amazing what we remember and what the mind recalls, when it recalls it, why it recalls it, and why sometimes these thoughts never pop into our minds. I almost feel sometimes like my brain is on overload and it's just trying to purge out the junk it doesn't need any more. Lately, as of the last couple of months, it's been doing a lot of purging. Digging up a lot of memories that are negative that I've experienced but that are linked to things that I’m experiencing now in the present. That's what I like to call a total recall. Could it be because I’m no longer on anti-depressants and anti-anxiety meds? Were those meds suppressing all of these memories? Or was my system so traumatically stressed out that it just shut all the visual memories down, and left the physical aspect (anxiety, depression, panic attacks) to run rampant until my visual mind was able to lasso it all together?
God only truly knows, but because I sustained such heavy damage on my vehicle prior to going in for surgery, my car sat in front of my house with a flat tire. The entire time I was held captive in my own home recovering with an abusive alcoholic. Shortly after Easter, this would be about a couple of weeks after my surgery, my husband decided to get drunk when he came home from work, that in and of itself is high anxiety because you know what's coming… you're too weak to do anything about it and you have no way to get away from it, but like I said everything happens for a reason.
He decided to pick a fight that night… verbally berated the shit out of me… making me feel lower than I felt being only 70 pounds (because I could not eat) having zero energy (because I had no nutrition-if only Shakeology would have been invented back then), I couldn't talk (because of the surgery), so I crawled my way to the bathroom with my cell phone and I called my father. He ended up grabbing the phone from me and started telling my father that I was delusional because I was on medication, which was not true. When I heard that I grabbed his cell phone and I called my brother, and I locked myself in my bedroom where I could sit on the floor and pack a bag, while I waited for my brother to arrive. Meanwhile, unbeknownst to me, the cops were on their way.
The cops showed up before my brother could get there, and when they arrived they took my husband out of the house. They then broke into my room saw the condition I was in, put me on each of their arms and escorted me to my living room and then to my brother’s car. That was the night I left and I never went back. Well, until the next day with my brother to put the repaired spare tire on my car and drive it home.
It's funny how you can link the past to the present. I think about that a lot. How I felt. Where my emotions were. Where my strength came from, and the police officers that left with me. If you think about the police officers, how they were like my knights in shining armor at the time. Had it not been for them, my brother would probably be in jail right now because he probably would've killed my now ex-husband.
That whole year that I was married to him is just one big blank blur of anger and anxiety and depression. I wasn't happy. I find pictures of myself sometimes when I'm cleaning things out and I was not happy. There was never a smile on my face. It's amazing what we see when we look at our pictures. It’s even more amazing when we can actually attach that to a recall.
For anyone that's in a bad relationship… Just get out! Don't worry about what if…? Save yourself! Wouldn't it be nice if…? Answer that question for yourself and believe me your survival instinct will kick in and you will know where to go and what to do, and God will put the right person(s) in your path. Don't live another day with that anxiety and anger and that abuse, it's just not good! It has destroyed the better part of my adult life! I have been suffering since I was 25 years old because of him and now I’m 37 and I'm just starting to get over it all now.
For anyone that's in a bad relationship… Just get out! Don't worry about what if…? Save yourself! Wouldn't it be nice if…? Answer that question for yourself and believe me your survival instinct will kick in and you will know where to go and what to do, and God will put the right person(s) in your path. Don't live another day with that anxiety and anger and that abuse, it's just not good! It has destroyed the better part of my adult life! I have been suffering since I was 25 years old because of him and now I’m 37 and I'm just starting to get over it all now.
When my current AWESOME hubby and I had our pre-marriage meetings with our Church, Reverend Smith said this monster would rear its ugly head again in our marriage. I laughed and told him no way.. Well, he was right. In fact, it never truly wasn’t there because he had done so much damage I didn’t know how to be me. Kyle lets me be me, he holds my hand when I need it, he laughs with me, he’s always encouraging me, and supporting me, and trying to make me happy. He deals with my anxiety in traffic, he takes all the necessary steps he knows how to make sure my well-being is protected. THAT is how a REAL husband should treat you, not like my former. That is what a healthy relationship is, not what I was married to the first time.
The Power of Positive
Today was a very strange day. This whole event actually started on Monday. I had a law of attraction coaching call with a fellow beach body coach named George and he took me through a series of exercises (kind-of-like meditation with a visual component and there was a breathing component also involved). It was a very powerful and positive experience that I would like to share with you.
Monday's exercise consisted of me grounding myself - letting go of any feeling that I might be having, and just become neutral and go to a calm place. Now the place could have been anywhere, it could be the beach or mountains or anywhere where I would feel calm. My visual-self brought me to the beach during sunrise and I was then instructed to see a person walking along the beach towards me. Initially this person was just a white figure… all white, no face, just a ghost white figure which then quickly turned into my husband then very quickly turned into me, which was the purpose of the exercise. It was supposed to be me coming towards me on the beach.
I couldn't help but feel curious of my-self being there in front of me. I was then instructed to visualize my-self giving me a gift, which I did. I gave my-self a hug and I said thank you, but before I could open the gift my-self walked away in the same direction that she came from. I felt sad, very, very sad, and then I started to cry.
At the end of that exercise George had asked me how I felt and I told him I was crying, you could hear it in my voice and he asked me what was in the box and I told him I never had a chance to open the box because my–self walked away before I had a chance to. It was very upsetting because I was overcome with such emotion that I couldn't explain, just based on a very simple exercise. George then asked me if I wanted to bring my–self back to open the box and I was so upset by what happened that I didn't want my-self to come back because I really didn't quite understand why I had a gift to begin with. What was in the box? Why did she walk away? I didn't understand.
I did ask him if because I placed myself on the very same beach when I was in my early 20’s (life was stressing and I needed a release so I went down the shore and waited on the beach for the sun to come up... I was crying the entire time), if that emotion wasn’t an extension of my time there... He of course couldn’t say with certainty that that was in deed the case, but it did inject the possibility of why I was so emotional.
We set up a time to have our second coaching call for today, which is Wednesday. Our call started like a normal conversation would start… “How have you been feeling the past couple of days? What's been going on? How is your business? What are you excited about? You know… things business people and friends talk to each other about. Then we got into our exercise again and we did the same thing we did on Monday: I had to ground myself and breathe and go back to the beach. But let me preface this by saying since Monday I've had the visual in my mind’s eye of the beach and my–self has been in my peripheral right side the entire time. When George brought me back to the beach today I whistled to my–self to come over. She walked swiftly along the beach and then she started to skip and I started to laugh because that's how I would do it. I would! I would act like… like a child! and skip! Then my–self jumped in front of me like I would do in real life, I was still laughing. We were laughing together and she handed me the box. I forgot to mention that the box that she gave me on Monday was a white box (whatever that relevance has I don't know), but it was white. Today she again gave me another white box and today I had to open the box while she was with me and I did. When I opened the box a bright white light shined out. It wasn't like a beam of light. It was a bright white light, and it shined everywhere! It wasn't cold. It wasn't hot. It was comforting and it confused me because I didn't understand the relevance of the white light. So I looked up at my-self with a confused look on my face and asked her “what is it?” and she looked down at me, smiling excitedly, pointing to the box with both fingers… “Look in the box! Look in the box! Don't you see it?” I looked down into the box again and I just saw a bright white light and I looked at her again and I said I don't see it and she kept saying “just looked! Just look!” and as hard as I tried I just couldn't see anything but the white light.
George then instructed me to be one with my-self and I absorbed my–self into me and I became one person alone on the beach and I was content. I heard the birds, I heard the ocean, I felt the breeze, I felt the sea spray, I felt the warm sun, but I also had full clarity. I no longer had my–self in my peripheral right vision. She was with me now.
This may sound very odd and strange and weird to certain people, but to go through this exercise really, really centered me. I am already in a place of energy that is good for once in a very long time. So it was very easy for me to center and ground myself and have the visual experience because of it. About a month ago I never would've had this type of outcome.
While George and I were just conversing about the experience, something happened and it happened as fast as a flash of lightning, my–self popped out of me and handed me a baby and then popped right back in. I immediately stopped the conversation I was having with George and I told him what had just happened. I told him about the emotional feeling that came with that gift of the baby was happy and my physical feeling was warm so he asked that I sit on that feeling for a little while and then we discussed it.
George told me that white light signifies purification. That could mean a lot of things to a lot of people. When I think about purification for myself, I think of getting rid of bad thoughts, bad energy, and negativity in general. However, when you enter the component of the baby and you add purification, I think of how I have been resisting being a mother since I was a child because I saw what my mother went through being a single mom to two kids and I always told myself I don't want to be that person. I don't want to be the person that has the two kids and no husband and I lived that life. I'm 37 years old and I do not have a child. I never wanted a child, actually I did at one point - in my early 20s I got the baby bug because my girlfriend had a baby and then I wanted a baby but then I quickly realized that that was just an emotion it wasn't at all what I wanted. I never wanted children. That’s why I married a guy who was older than me that had a kid, so I didn't have to worry about being a mother… I’m obviously not married to that guy anymore - Thankfully. But my current husband now wants a child, and I've been preparing myself physically for the child; getting my teeth taken care of, so I wouldn’t have to worry about that while pregnant, making sure that I’m on the prenatal vitamins, eating as best as I can despite the depression, starting to work out again, which you can see, is now becoming a reality. But it was when George asked me if I was trying for a baby did it hit me. Yes, I am trying, kind of… but because I was trying to fix everything that was wrong with me physically we weren’t really giving it the good college try. We are just doing it, no pun intended, and if it happens it happens. But the even weirder thing is that this morning when I was talking to my husband about it, the getting pregnant part… I told him that I would start the ovulation kit this month... so it was really a shock when George had asked about trying for baby, but because I have my period today I know that I'm not pregnant. But now I'm open to it. It's like my-self purified that negative thought process of having a family by giving me that white light... feeling the white light.. sitting on the white light... allowing myself to be content there and then drop it off the grandparent would! lol! The baby is a girl, and I've been telling my husband since he met me that when we have a kid it’s going to be a girl. I just know it is.
Only the future will tell what this gift is. Is it my baby? Is it someone else's baby? Or is it symbolic of something else? Possibly something in its infancy stage? Like maybe the fit club that I want to start in town? Or is it my business? Or is it my marriage? Or is it a friendship that's just starting? It can be symbolic of anything, really. It doesn't necessarily have to be the gift that my-self gave me.
It was a very good exercise today, and if I had the money I would certainly like to keep up with it because it is very, very, very helpful when dealing with anxiety (especially), but definitely negativity. I was bred into a cynical, pessimistic family. Everybody was negative all the time, never really let you reach for the stars because they were either looking out for you Too much, or everybody had a negative spin on something. It's very hard as a persistent soul, such as myself, to walk away (naturally) from a pessimistic attitude. Some things I am optimistic on some things I’m more pessimistic on, but my actions are always more optimistic because I can get knocked down, sit there on the ground for a little while, get back up and keep on charging.
That trait became very clear to me the day I ran the Spartan race. As sick as I was to my stomach prior to lining up at the starting line… When I got on that hill, I'm sorry… mountain, and I had to go through these obstacles and climb boulders and drag boulders and climb through things and climb over things and be 50 feet up in the air and crawl through mud and barbed wire and ice and fire did I realize if I can do this… I can do anything… I always had that ability my entire life, but because I had such a pessimistic family I never really did much with anything because somebody had something negative to say about it, which always gave me an excuse not to do something. Or if I failed at something instead of getting back up and going, I would take it as a defeat, and not continue on.
My husband is not a pessimist; my husband is very supportive of me, and my husband is very understanding of what I go through on a daily basis with the depression and anxiety and panic attacks, and the hormonal fluctuations and the insomnia, but he knows that I try. That's why he doesn't push me because he knows that once I'm ready, I'm going to take the ball and I am going to run with it. When I am feeling insecure about my depression, and my lack of income to the family like it used to be, he always says that we’re a team and sometimes some team members need to be carried for a little while until they are strong enough to go it on their own.. and he's right! We are a team and he's the strong one right now and I love that about him. The one thing I know that he loves about me is that I'm independent enough not to rely on someone for every single thing in my life. As a cop's wife I can't be because when duty calls, they're out the door and only the strong women can stay behind to deal with the family, the house, the job, and everything that comes along with that, and being alone. He knows I’m strong he's told me that that's one of the reasons why he married me.
Wouldn’t it be nice if… The baby is really our baby?
Wouldn’t it be nice if… We could break the pattern of pessimism and negativity?
Wouldn’t it be nice if… Our baby would grow up free of anxiety so that she/he can grow and prosper and be successful?
10.11.2011
20 Minute Workout with 10 Minute Trainer
I FINALLY took Nike's advice and Just did it! A 20 minute workout with Beachbody's 10 Minute Trainer.
For the passed 2 weeks my physical self has been feeling more and more pain in my back, neck and leg. Saturday morning I woke up to a nearly crimped neck, so I made the decision to SMR (Foam Roll) 2ce a day; once before bed and once when I wake up in the morning while enjoying my morning java.
Taking the 30 minutes to an hour a day for a few days to do SMR has helped tremendously to reduce the cramping and pain associated with my nowhere-near-as-active-as-I-once-was-lifestyle.
Later in the morning, when my diaphragm was up in my throat again (see my last post for an explanation), I took a moment to ground myself in the chair I was in and started my corrective breathing. While I was doing my belly breathing something happened that was very disturbing and EXTREMELY painful. When I breathed in I felt a weird feeling in my right chest, not sure if it was starting in the lung, or a muscle, but it started with a blockage feeling like I just couldn't breathe in enough air. Then I felt something like a tear. The pain was profound in my right chest it shot up my neck to the top of my head and radiated down my right arm; the pain was so intense I nearly passed out. The pain subsided after about 5 minutes and turned to a dull ache in my chest, neck and arm that lasted the better part of the morning. I have to say I was very concerned that something was, and possibly still is, wrong and my gut screamed to get a chest x-ray, but that could be the anxiety talking. I'll just keep an eye on it, or breath :)
Fast forward to mid-afternoon. I started to feel "strange". Now this "feeling" is familiar to me, it's not something that resulted from the episode in the AM, but it wasn't anxiety; my heart was simply beating hard and nearly in my throat. Prior to the realization that a lot of what I experience involves my hormones I simply ignored it and went about my business. Towards the late afternoon I was feeling edgy, and tingly and I would get something like a hot-flash but it lasted for a split second and quickly turned into the chills.. brrrr.. This went on for a better part of 4 hours
Fast forward to this evening. I finished all of my work with Sharecare, The NJ Fitclub and Fitness to a T, and I was waiting for the 8:30 team call.. BORED. I took the bull by the horns and decided to get back into the full swing of working out so I sought out my old faithful - 10 Minute Trainer. I didn't want to go all crazy with cardio or total body as I still had the chest pain incident fresh in my mind, and I was feeling a little "off" so I took it a little easier and went with Yoga Flex and ABS. I need the stretching and breathing from the Yoga and the Core work from the ABS, that is why I chose those routines. 22 minutes later (I did the warm-up too) I felt better, sweatier, and ready to tackle the team call (after a REAL quick shower to wash off the goo). Then it happened... my "friend" showed up. Now the afternoon made more sense to me. I'm 5 days early so I really was caught off guard by the feelings I was having. Well, I guess I'm not pregnant :D I'll just have to keep on trying! hee hee!
I'm glad I took the 20 minutes to workout with 10 Minute Trainer, my breathing is back to normal, my core is sore, my muscles are stretched, and I'm happy and content.
For the passed 2 weeks my physical self has been feeling more and more pain in my back, neck and leg. Saturday morning I woke up to a nearly crimped neck, so I made the decision to SMR (Foam Roll) 2ce a day; once before bed and once when I wake up in the morning while enjoying my morning java.
Taking the 30 minutes to an hour a day for a few days to do SMR has helped tremendously to reduce the cramping and pain associated with my nowhere-near-as-active-as-I-once-was-lifestyle.
Later in the morning, when my diaphragm was up in my throat again (see my last post for an explanation), I took a moment to ground myself in the chair I was in and started my corrective breathing. While I was doing my belly breathing something happened that was very disturbing and EXTREMELY painful. When I breathed in I felt a weird feeling in my right chest, not sure if it was starting in the lung, or a muscle, but it started with a blockage feeling like I just couldn't breathe in enough air. Then I felt something like a tear. The pain was profound in my right chest it shot up my neck to the top of my head and radiated down my right arm; the pain was so intense I nearly passed out. The pain subsided after about 5 minutes and turned to a dull ache in my chest, neck and arm that lasted the better part of the morning. I have to say I was very concerned that something was, and possibly still is, wrong and my gut screamed to get a chest x-ray, but that could be the anxiety talking. I'll just keep an eye on it, or breath :)
Fast forward to mid-afternoon. I started to feel "strange". Now this "feeling" is familiar to me, it's not something that resulted from the episode in the AM, but it wasn't anxiety; my heart was simply beating hard and nearly in my throat. Prior to the realization that a lot of what I experience involves my hormones I simply ignored it and went about my business. Towards the late afternoon I was feeling edgy, and tingly and I would get something like a hot-flash but it lasted for a split second and quickly turned into the chills.. brrrr.. This went on for a better part of 4 hours
Fast forward to this evening. I finished all of my work with Sharecare, The NJ Fitclub and Fitness to a T, and I was waiting for the 8:30 team call.. BORED. I took the bull by the horns and decided to get back into the full swing of working out so I sought out my old faithful - 10 Minute Trainer. I didn't want to go all crazy with cardio or total body as I still had the chest pain incident fresh in my mind, and I was feeling a little "off" so I took it a little easier and went with Yoga Flex and ABS. I need the stretching and breathing from the Yoga and the Core work from the ABS, that is why I chose those routines. 22 minutes later (I did the warm-up too) I felt better, sweatier, and ready to tackle the team call (after a REAL quick shower to wash off the goo). Then it happened... my "friend" showed up. Now the afternoon made more sense to me. I'm 5 days early so I really was caught off guard by the feelings I was having. Well, I guess I'm not pregnant :D I'll just have to keep on trying! hee hee!
I'm glad I took the 20 minutes to workout with 10 Minute Trainer, my breathing is back to normal, my core is sore, my muscles are stretched, and I'm happy and content.
10.05.2011
FINALLY! A Little More Normalcy
I went to see my 2nd favorite man today! My Stylist! w00t w0000t! Steve over at Antoine's Salon in Ridgewood NJ is always so good to me. My hair came out FABULOUS! I probably should have taken before and after pics, but I was more focused on just getting those dead locks highlighted and removed.
My anxiety was getting the better of me while I waited for him to finish with the client before me (I always get to places early, especially when you have to park on the street) and I wanted to cancel and run home as fast as possible, but I didn't. I think it was the music that was playing that triggered it, for a normal person it was nice music, it wasn't loud and obnoxious or anything but each track was like 10 minutes long... I felt like I was on a bad acid trip…
Once he got me in the chair and started conversing with me I was fine, he also changed the music for me to Lady Gaga's new album (which I have only heard a few songs from - GREAT ALBUM!) I was bopping and swaying in the chair while my locks were getting lighter, managed to get some good core exercises in doing that lol. I'm glad I didn't split for the safety of my home and endured the couple of hours it took to make me pretty again. They were even kind enough to go feed the meter my car was parked at so I wouldn't get a summons.
After the lightening process was complete the hair had to be chopped off... with the prenatal vitamins my hair and nails are growing like weeds on fertilizer... Miracle Grow to be specific. Ahhhh... not that I need to lose any more weight but I think I lost a couple of pounds of dead hair, and the color? He's a pro! lol
While Steve was chop-choppin at my locks I noticed that my chest (internally) was sore. That realization led me to close my eyes and focus on my breathing. I was literally holding my breath! I wasn't aware of it until my body sent me a signal. I mean how does one NOT breathe? What little air I was taking in was being chambered into the upper part of my lungs, and my diaphragm was in my throat! My arms were also very tight and my shoulders where up by my ears, like I was preparing to be hit by a snowball or something. I had to literally push my stomach out as if I were making a pot-belly and breathe all of my air in all the way into my belly and blow it out from my belly. Thankfully, I had taken Yoga in the past because I used the breathing techniques I learned from my instructor to help with my current situation.
The end result... A new awareness of the subconscious me, a new playlist added to my iPhone and iTunes accounts, a sore core, healthier hair, some good social interaction, and a prettier me!
I have to go dance to my new Gaga album - that's my workout for tonight.
10.04.2011
Unlike a blackboard; a blog should never be erased
Over the course of the past 4 years or so I’ve created quite a few blogs about my journey with fitness and Beachbody programs. I had a REAL GREAT blog called "My Wedding Workout" that I created just to help keep me accountable to my fitness goals while I trekked to the isle to marry my wonderful husband.
Once I got married though, I didn't really see the need to keep that blog going, so instead of just not updating and letting the spiders find it and spin there interwebs for future brides... I deleted it. That was ONE of the many mistakes I’ve made in life, but the good thing about learning is that once you erase the blackboard, you can always write upon it again.
I have now transitioned from the crazy single chick on a mission to make sure she looked damn good in her wedding dress, to the madly insane wife of a police officer. lol yes I laugh as it's just a joke really... I'm not madly insane just a PMDD, PTSD, panic and anxiety disorder sufferer which leads to its occasional bouts of depression.
I realize that there is a huge closet population of PMDD; PTSD; Panic Disorder; Anxiety Disorder; Depression sufferers out there. How do I know? Because I am one, and I know one when I see them. Either by their words on a Facebook post, Sharecare blog, email, tweet, or personal conversation... I know who they are, and they know me too. We just know.
It’s a secret society... only we don’t have a 12 step program... we have a private meeting with a specialist that we pay to listen to our frustrations but can offer nothing of value but a blue piece of paper and another appointment to further the stress of having to pay more money to a disease that just doesn’t stop.
When I created this blog back in February it was to document my journey to the Spartan Race (in June) and The Tough Mudder (in November). I dropped out of the tough mudder because my disorder told me I won’t be ready to deal with winter temps in mud and water for 12 miles. Why? Because after the Spartan race in June I sunk into a deep depression; my anxiety & panic attacks were FIERCE and taking over my life... Why? Well if you insist... I weaned off of my medications to control them... Why? Boy you are very inquisitive aren’t you? Because DH and I want to start a family and the side effects greatly reduce the likelihood that I will have a normal child... Whatever normal means, but as a mother-to-be-but-not-yet it is MY responsibility to make sure my child gets the best head start it is afforded in life. Do you have any more questions about that? I think it sums it up nicely.
Back to what I was saying… So I dropped out of the race before it even started... I’m not regretting my decision... the race isn’t going anywhere... I’ll sign up for next year and hopefully I’ll be ready or with child.. one or the other it’s on the bucket list, so as long as the world sustains past 2012 I’ll be good to go, but I digress... I have to change the focus of the blog now because I’m no longer focusing on the races. I’m focusing on using fitness, something I’ve been passionate about since I was a teenager, as a means to get a hold of this Insanity.
The challenges are the PMDD and the depression because one goes hand-in-hand with the other. It all revolves around my menstrual cycle which is like being at six flags every day for an entire year... roller coaster after roller coaster (it’s no wonder I hate roller coasters) It’s a viscous cycle… kinda like laundry. Once the Spartan Race was over and the depression and anxiety took hold the workouts started to seize up. Housework and yard work and some occasional dog walks were about the extent of it my work outs. Which isn’t bad at all because I kept physically active with functional exercises in the form of everyday living, but it wasn’t nearly as intense as what I’m accustomed to.
For those that know me know I’m a personal trainer, I own my own business, which like this economy has tanked, but my optimistic self is keeping this train on course! And to broaden my base I am also a NASM Elite Trainer with Sharecare (since Jan 2011) and I am also an Independent Team Beachbody Coach (since Nov 2009). So I’m pretty rounded in the fitness industry as far as outlets to help people with their goals go, and I’m great at it. No self-plugging going on here... it’s just a fact... I can motivate people and get them to and beyond their goals. It’s just something that comes natural to me, possibly because I was in the customer service industry in the corporate environment since 1990 when I was able to start working as a teenager, oh and that I suffer from the aforementioned conditions.
Wait. I hear another question. How can I motivate people and not be motivated myself? Well, It’s not that I’m not motivated... far from... my chemicals just lack the transportation necessary to get my body moving the way my brain wants it to. Kind of like that devil on the shoulder... the angel says LET’S GO TEAM! The devil says BITE ME! That is precisely why I’m good at what I do... because I HAVE that little devil and can relate to those that do too because basically that is all it really is.. the devil saying “nope, not today, go get that bag of chips and some soda. Nope, not today don’t feel like getting off the couch because Grey’s Anatomy is on and I want to cry over characters of a story.”... my devil says it too. They all say it... it’s like there’s a devil school, kinda like clown school. The only difference is I HATE Grey’s Anatomy! But there seems to be some massive cult following to a show that is all about tragedy and relationship problems. Don’t we have enough of that in our own lives? Maybe if we paid as much attention to our own relationships instead of made up ones on TV we wouldn’t have such a high divorce rate, our kids wouldn’t be fat, and obesity in general wouldn’t be such an epidemic... Just a thought, but I digress.
So here I am standing naked before you, (figuratively of course), ready to embark once again on my fitness journey. My primary workouts will be from Beachbody simply because I LOVE workout videos and they have the best ones hands down. I will also be incorporating Yoga, TRX, and SMR (foam rolling) into my journey... and who knows maybe something else will peak my interest along the way.
Let’s Dig Deep here and Bring It! Are you with me!?
Once I got married though, I didn't really see the need to keep that blog going, so instead of just not updating and letting the spiders find it and spin there interwebs for future brides... I deleted it. That was ONE of the many mistakes I’ve made in life, but the good thing about learning is that once you erase the blackboard, you can always write upon it again.
I have now transitioned from the crazy single chick on a mission to make sure she looked damn good in her wedding dress, to the madly insane wife of a police officer. lol yes I laugh as it's just a joke really... I'm not madly insane just a PMDD, PTSD, panic and anxiety disorder sufferer which leads to its occasional bouts of depression.
I realize that there is a huge closet population of PMDD; PTSD; Panic Disorder; Anxiety Disorder; Depression sufferers out there. How do I know? Because I am one, and I know one when I see them. Either by their words on a Facebook post, Sharecare blog, email, tweet, or personal conversation... I know who they are, and they know me too. We just know.
It’s a secret society... only we don’t have a 12 step program... we have a private meeting with a specialist that we pay to listen to our frustrations but can offer nothing of value but a blue piece of paper and another appointment to further the stress of having to pay more money to a disease that just doesn’t stop.
When I created this blog back in February it was to document my journey to the Spartan Race (in June) and The Tough Mudder (in November). I dropped out of the tough mudder because my disorder told me I won’t be ready to deal with winter temps in mud and water for 12 miles. Why? Because after the Spartan race in June I sunk into a deep depression; my anxiety & panic attacks were FIERCE and taking over my life... Why? Well if you insist... I weaned off of my medications to control them... Why? Boy you are very inquisitive aren’t you? Because DH and I want to start a family and the side effects greatly reduce the likelihood that I will have a normal child... Whatever normal means, but as a mother-to-be-but-not-yet it is MY responsibility to make sure my child gets the best head start it is afforded in life. Do you have any more questions about that? I think it sums it up nicely.
Back to what I was saying… So I dropped out of the race before it even started... I’m not regretting my decision... the race isn’t going anywhere... I’ll sign up for next year and hopefully I’ll be ready or with child.. one or the other it’s on the bucket list, so as long as the world sustains past 2012 I’ll be good to go, but I digress... I have to change the focus of the blog now because I’m no longer focusing on the races. I’m focusing on using fitness, something I’ve been passionate about since I was a teenager, as a means to get a hold of this Insanity.
The challenges are the PMDD and the depression because one goes hand-in-hand with the other. It all revolves around my menstrual cycle which is like being at six flags every day for an entire year... roller coaster after roller coaster (it’s no wonder I hate roller coasters) It’s a viscous cycle… kinda like laundry. Once the Spartan Race was over and the depression and anxiety took hold the workouts started to seize up. Housework and yard work and some occasional dog walks were about the extent of it my work outs. Which isn’t bad at all because I kept physically active with functional exercises in the form of everyday living, but it wasn’t nearly as intense as what I’m accustomed to.
For those that know me know I’m a personal trainer, I own my own business, which like this economy has tanked, but my optimistic self is keeping this train on course! And to broaden my base I am also a NASM Elite Trainer with Sharecare (since Jan 2011) and I am also an Independent Team Beachbody Coach (since Nov 2009). So I’m pretty rounded in the fitness industry as far as outlets to help people with their goals go, and I’m great at it. No self-plugging going on here... it’s just a fact... I can motivate people and get them to and beyond their goals. It’s just something that comes natural to me, possibly because I was in the customer service industry in the corporate environment since 1990 when I was able to start working as a teenager, oh and that I suffer from the aforementioned conditions.
Wait. I hear another question. How can I motivate people and not be motivated myself? Well, It’s not that I’m not motivated... far from... my chemicals just lack the transportation necessary to get my body moving the way my brain wants it to. Kind of like that devil on the shoulder... the angel says LET’S GO TEAM! The devil says BITE ME! That is precisely why I’m good at what I do... because I HAVE that little devil and can relate to those that do too because basically that is all it really is.. the devil saying “nope, not today, go get that bag of chips and some soda. Nope, not today don’t feel like getting off the couch because Grey’s Anatomy is on and I want to cry over characters of a story.”... my devil says it too. They all say it... it’s like there’s a devil school, kinda like clown school. The only difference is I HATE Grey’s Anatomy! But there seems to be some massive cult following to a show that is all about tragedy and relationship problems. Don’t we have enough of that in our own lives? Maybe if we paid as much attention to our own relationships instead of made up ones on TV we wouldn’t have such a high divorce rate, our kids wouldn’t be fat, and obesity in general wouldn’t be such an epidemic... Just a thought, but I digress.
So here I am standing naked before you, (figuratively of course), ready to embark once again on my fitness journey. My primary workouts will be from Beachbody simply because I LOVE workout videos and they have the best ones hands down. I will also be incorporating Yoga, TRX, and SMR (foam rolling) into my journey... and who knows maybe something else will peak my interest along the way.
Let’s Dig Deep here and Bring It! Are you with me!?
6.04.2011
This Spartan came home WITH her shield!
(and a lot of mud!)
The purpose of the blog was to mark the journey with Panic & Anxiety to the Spartan and Tough Mudder events. 1 challenge is complete; I competed in and completed the Spartan Race in Tuxedo NY.
I did have pre-race jitters... hard core... it was the waiting that was killing me. Once I was at the starting line I was honed in on the objective of going up an extremely steep hill for an extremely long distance not knowing what was to come after that.
I had to climb, crawl, and strategically maneuver my way through rocks and boulders on the side of a ski resort; I saw spiders i never knew existed! OH and I'm sure poison ivy is just a short way away from showing it's ugly wrath as well.
I had to crawl through a make-shift mine which had brush, bugs, reptiles, cramped space, and barbed wire just above my head for about 100 feet... with no way out.. You had no choice but to go forward. I got stuck on barbed wire 1/4 of the way through, hind-sight my heart flutters, but at the time i was determined to get through that obstacle, and I did and made friends with a frog too!
I had to climb through and over boulders with a car tire, climb a 20 foot high net and come back down, climb walls, crawl under walls, pull cinder-blocks attached to a rope the height of a 2-story house, cross monkey bars ( I fell 2 bars from the end because my shoulder gave out, and they wanted me to do 30 burpees but I told them to go scratch and went back to the bars and did 4 more for good measure).
I had to carry an orange Home Depot bucket 3/4 full of gravel up a hill for .25 a mile, then back down dump my gravel on TOP of the pile and bring back my bucket. At this point I was exhausted, I was in near tears because I was so mad because I wanted to be done! So I chucked the bucket on top of the gravel pile, flipped it over and off (yes, I gave an inanimate object the double bird) and tossed it to the pile of other buckets and flipped it off again. THEN I had to pull a boulder on skis up-hill and around a small course which ended on hot coals, then back uphill and hike over and through boulders AGAIN. This was where I was on E. I started to get light-headed, and had to stop for a break.
Back down the hill to a soap soaked wall that I had to climb over. I was smart and used my upper body and pulled myself up with the ropes... Flipping off the bottle of soap as I was going to the next obstacle... totally owned that one!
I fell 1/2 way across the Spiderman wall and had to do 30 burpees... thank goodness that I do those a lot in bootcamp! I totally failed on the spear throw and had to do another 30 burpees. I won't be doing burpees for a while needless-to-say!
I had to crawl through cold mud on my belly under barbed wire going uphill for the length of a football field. Admittedly, the mud crawl was the best part of the event. Though gross as heck seeing worms, grubs, ants, spiders, the blood of other Spartans, and getting cut up by rocks and other sharp objects, the camaraderie with the other Spartans through this obstacle was beyond reproach. My hair and shirt got stuck on barbs on the last string; everyone stopped so as not to tug further or spring it back to the Spartans coming up the rear while 2 other Spartans untangled me from the mess. Then for a long boulder hike before a steep downhill trek full of loose rock and dirt.
That ended us up at the ice crawl; yes, the name implies the same as the mud crawl, but it was downhill for about 50 feet under barbed wire and over ice cubes... TONS of ice cubes... it was cold... very cold... but at the bottom of the hill from that we had to jump through a much appreciated firewall! It ended with the gladiators at the end that I, and my awesome sense of humor, made them and the spectators laugh! lol
When I arrived at my first gladiator (that wanted to pummel me with these huge padded paddles) I stopped short, looked him in the eye and said like a mouse "really? Do i have to? Can i just get into the fetal position?" lol so we bumped to make it look good. The next guy was busy with someone else, but the very last guy wanted to kick my butt so as I ran really fast passed him shouting "please, please, please don't hit me!" everyone erupted in laughter!
Then i got my banana, water, free beer and shower lol...
I'm sure I missed an obstacle here or there, but those are the ones that I remember.
Minus the scraped up elbows and knees, twisted ankle, bruises, and that it took me 3 hours to go 3 miles... it was a blast!!!
I have a new found appreciation and utmost respect for the men and women of our armed forces. While i had 3+ miles of torture, they do this in foreign countries carrying tons of gear in not-so-forgiving clothing and conditions. I was able to carry a camelbak (backpack filled with water) and wear anti-skid socks so i didn't get blisters, and wear gloves to protect my little hands from blisters, in order to get me through this. I was able to quit if i wanted and go home. They get to have some of those things, but I was able to shower after my event, they usually have to stay all yucky for days on end, and they can't just say "F this" and go home whenever they want. They have to do it on the side of a mountain, in a desert or jungle with heavy equipment, sometimes being shot at, and even worse- not knowing where the enemy is. Not to mention the spiders!
If they are lucky though, they will find a frog to hang with.
I hope to post pictures or video in the future so stay tuned!
6.01.2011
When the Ebb ends the Flow begins
Riding the Ebb ended 3 days ago. Back on riding the Flow.
It started Friday night into Saturday with Night Sweats (that I'm still suffering from) and yesterday the panic train made a stop.
I have now come to the realization that this is completely hormonal. I don't have generalized anxiety disorder like i once thought and was diagnosed with. These attacks come in certain situations but are completely revolving around my menstrual cycle. They typically make a presence 1/2 way through my cycle and get progressively worse when my period arrives. My period arrived Monday and since then it's been panic city! At home, the car, in public, it doesn't matter.. it's there and it's all fired up!
The night sweats started 3 days before my period came. Waking up soaking wet in the middle of the night. I don't mean a little sweat. I mean A LOT, as though I took a shower. Being an Elite-Trainer on the Sharecare.com network, I decided to put my resources to work for me and looked to my colleagues for answers, and I found this great clip from Dr. Oz http://bit.ly/droznightsweats.
I have felt this way about this condition since 2005 when I had my first full-blown attack that put me in the emergency room. I looked up Pre-menstrual Dysphoric Disorder and the symptoms fit to the T. None of the anti-depressants the doctors put me on helped. I wasn't depressed - at least not consistently it would just be for a week or two before my period!
After reading books, articles, and everything in between they all suggested a hormone panel be done to pin point any and all ebbs and flows with marked data against how I was feeling. My regular doctor referred me to my Gyno/OBGYN and every doctor at the OBGYN office (there were 9 of them) said I'm too young to have a hormone panel, that it's anxiety disorder. No one would listen because I wasn't in the proper age category to be pre-menstrual or peri-menopausal, BUT all my symptoms revolved around my menstrual cycle. How is it that other women get these panels done, but I can't??
I have to switch to a new OBGYN because I now live way to far away from my current OBGYN. I'm hoping that this new doctor will listen to me this time. I'm tired of feeling this way, and it is clearly affecting my work, my lifestyle and everything else I have to deal with on a day to day basis.
Sometimes you need to be your own doctor; if anything to make sure you are getting the full picture of what's going on.
I found this great article regarding PMDD, if you think you might suffer from this please consult with your doctor(s). I know I will be as everything I put in BOLD is what I suffer from. I also put an APP on my phone called iperiod; it allows you to mark EVERYTHING. This APP will come in very handy when I see the doctor.
Premenstrual dysphoric disorder
PMDD; Severe PMS
Last reviewed: December 22, 2010.
Premenstrual dysphoric disorder (PMDD) is a condition in which a woman has severe depression symptoms, irritability, and tension before menstruation. The symptoms of PMDD are more severe than those seen with premenstrual syndrome (PMS).
PMS refers to a wide range of physical or emotional symptoms that typically occur about 5 to 11 days before a woman starts her monthly menstrual cycle. The symptoms usually stop when or shortly after her period begins.
Causes, incidence, and risk factors
The causes of PMS and PMDD have not been found.
Hormone changes that occur during a woman's menstrual cycle appear to play a role.
PMDD affects between 3% and 8% of women during the years when they are having menstrual periods.
Many women with this condition have:
Anxiety
Major depression
Seasonal affective disorder (SAD)
Other factors that may play a role include:
Alcohol abuse
Being overweight
Drinking large amounts of caffeine
Having a mother with a history of the disorder
Lack of exercise
Symptoms
The symptoms of PMDD are similar to those of PMS. However, they are generally more severe and debilitating and include a least one mood-related symptom. Symptoms occur during the week just before menstrual bleeding and usually improve within a few days after the period starts.
Five or more of the following symptoms must be present to diagnose PMDD, including one mood-related symptom:
Disinterest in daily activities and relationships
Fatigue or low energy
Feeling of sadness or hopelessness, possible suicidal thoughts
Feelings of tension or anxiety
Feeling out of control
Food cravings or binge eating
Mood swings marked by periods of teariness
Panic attacks
Persistent irritability or anger that affects other people
Physical symptoms, such as bloating, breast tenderness, headaches, and joint or muscle pain
Problems sleeping
Trouble concentrating
Signs and tests
No physical examination or lab tests can diagnose PMDD. A complete history, physical examination (including a pelvic exam), and psychiatric evaluation should be done to rule out other conditions.
Keeping a calendar or diary of symptoms can help women identify the most troublesome symptoms and the times when they are likely to occur. This information may help the health care provider diagnose PMDD and determine the best treatment.
Treatment
A healthy lifestyle is the first step to managing PMDD.
Eat a balanced diet (with more whole grains, vegetables, fruit, and little or no salt, sugar, alcohol, and caffeine)
Get regular aerobic exercise throughout the month to redue the severity of PMS symptoms
Try changing your sleep habits before taking drugs for insomnia (See also: Sleeping difficulty)
Keep a diary or calendar to record:
The type of symptoms you are having
How severe they are
How long they last
Antidepressants may be helpful.
The first option is usually an antidepressant known as a selective serotonin-reuptake inhibitor (SSRI). You can take SSRIs in the second part of your cycle up until your period starts, or for the whole month. Ask your doctor.
Cognitive behavioral therapy (CBT) may be used either with or instead of antidepressants. During CBT, you have about 10 visits with a mental health professional over several weeks.
Other treatments that may help include:
Birth control pills may decrease or increase PMS symptoms, including depression
Diuretics may be useful for women who gain a lot of weight from fluid retention
Nutritional supplements -- such as vitamin B6, calcium, and magnesium -- may be recommended
Other medicines (such as Depo-Lupron) suppress the ovaries and ovulation
Pain relievers such as aspirin or ibuprofen may be prescribed for headache, backache, menstrual cramping and breast tenderness
Expectations (prognosis)
After proper diagnosis and treatment, most women with PMDD find that their symptoms go away or drop to tolerable levels.
Complications
PMDD symptoms may be severe enough to interfere with a woman's daily life. Women with depression may have worse symptoms during the second half of their cycle and may need changes in their medication.
As many as 10% of women who report PMS symptoms, especially those with PMDD, have had suicidal thoughts. Suicide in women with depression is much more likely to occur during the second half of the menstrual cycle.
PMDD may be associated with eating disorders and smoking.
Calling your health care provider
Call 911 or a local crisis line immediately if you are having suicidal thoughts.
Call for an appointment with your health care provider if:
Symptoms do not improve with self-treatment
Symptoms interfere with your daily life
References
Vigod SN. Understanding and treating premenstrual dysphoric disorder: an update for the women's health practitioner. Obstet Gynecol Clin North Am. 2009;36:907-924, xii. [PubMed]
Lentz GM. Primary and secondary dysmenorrhea, premenstrual syndrome, and premenstrual dysphoric disorder: etiology, diagnosis, management. In: Katz VL, Lentz GM, Lobo RA, Gershenson DM, eds. Comprehensive Gynecology. 5th ed. Philadelphia, Pa: Mosby Elsevier; 2007:chap 36.
Review Date: 12/22/2010.
Reviewed by: Susan Storck, MD, FACOG, Chief, Eastside Department of Obstetrics and Gynecology, Group Health Cooperative of Puget Sound, Bellevue, Washington; Clinical Teaching Faculty, Department of Obstetrics and Gynecology, University of Washington School of Medicine. Also reviewed by David Zieve, MD, MHA, Medical Director, A.D.A.M., Inc.
5.26.2011
On an Ebb
Thankfully, I was beginning to wonder if i was ever going to see it again.
Since my last update, i have since stopped taking Sam-e. It really wasn't doing anything for the anxiety, and since I'm not depressed, i really didn't see the sense in taking it. I'll keep it in the nutritional section of my pantry for now.
I have managed to only have 1 mild flutter of anxiety this week prior to going to my client. I managed to get through the brief annoyance. The 2nd mild flutter was with the younger client on a walk on the first extremely hot day this week. We did 2 miles, 3/4 of which where up-hill at mostly a 45º incline. It was a scorcher, and I wasn't prepared for a walk that day, but she wanted to walk as opposed to doing her training so walk we did.. I'm going to have to start charging more for that stuff lol. I don't mind though, good training for my Spartan Sprint on June 4th! Less than 2 weeks away!!
So anyway, we were about .75 of a mile from her home when i just started feeling weird.. i let it go, then i actually had a heart palp, and then i got nervous, trying to shut down an anxiety ridden mind is like trying to shut off a fire hydrant with a toothbrush. My greatest fear was her being in a situation where i fell ill and she needed to go for help or something.. i know, i know.. stupid, but that is what people with anxiety like mine worry about. However, i kept on trucking up those damn hills lol, and started REALLY dumb conversations just to keep my mind off of it. Oh and i also found a nail at the end of someone's driveway and picked it up and disposed of it properly, would want them to get a flat tire lol. See! it's stupid stuff like that!
Between the bootcamps and the hill training I'm getting here i think I'll be good in a week-and-a-half! At least i hope so anyway!
The reason for this post.. silly me.. i noticed now that I'm exercising extensively with the 0530 bootcamps and some client workouts at the end of some days, I'm too tired to have anxiety. I mean I'm exhausted. I was sitting in traffic on my way home from my "up-hill" client the other day and i literally wanted to close my eyes and sleep. NORMALLY i would be a frantic mess trying to find the path of least resistance home. I'm just too tired to care anymore, even though the brain is subconsciously controlling those attacks, my conscious self is like "Would you cut the crap already, I'm tired.. my body weary"...
Hopefully, now that the system is calmed down from the last major attack, that this will be more the norm.. I like riding on the Ebb
5.20.2011
It's 2-Fold
Sorry I've been nearly non-existent lately. I have just been busy with clients and bootcamps, and haven't had time to blog.
The good news is.. I'm completely off of my medications. I'm not going to say it's been easy because it hasn't been. The first 2 days completely off were atrocious: headaches almost as bad as migraines, a few hard-core panic attacks..
Let's talk about that there panic attack for a moment, shall we? It was day 2, and i was REALLY OFF that day. VERY tired, cranky, headaches.. it was just awful! I was on my way to a client and 1/2 way there it hit me like a wrecking ball to the head... Sheer and utter panic. I get to my client's house.. no one is there.. i really needed to use the bathroom.. I know gross, but if you suffer from panic or anxiety disorders you most likely experience the same thing i do. Then MORE panic set in because i HAD to go and i didn't want to defecate myself. I called my husband to at least provide a distraction, and it worked for a few moments, then the wave came even harder. The client comes home and i explain to him what is going on and that i will have to call my husband to pick me up because I'm just sick.. He understood completely, thankfully, and eventually hubby arrived to come get me.. i left my car there and went home and went to bed.
Since then i have had 3 other attacks. One was the following week, on a Saturday then again the next Monday. I've had increased anxiety since then when going to this client. I speculate that it is just my brain associating that client and house with panic. Every day that i go there it's been getting better and better. I've found that chewing gum and singing my favorite Duran Duran tunes helps because I'm breathing a certain way. OH yeah.. forgot to mention. I noticed that when my anxiety starts i immediately check my breathing and sure enough I'm either holding my breath or shallow breathing. So that may even be the trigger to most of my attacks.. that I'm on auto-pilot when it comes to my breathing. it's just very strange.
It's been 3 full days now and i haven't had a single episode of either!
What i have been doing in addition to being consciously aware:
1. Doc put me on Sam-e, now i am not in any way/shape/form suggesting you take this holistic approach because it's not for everyone. This supplement acts like serotonin and stabilizes mood. Normally it's suggested for depression, but because the Lexapro is considered an anti-depressant it should have the same effect. The dangers associated with Sam-e are why i recommend talking to your doctor about it first, as it CAN make things worse as noted on it's side-effect/warnings all over the Internet. It takes 7-10 days to take too.. so it's not like popping vitamin-C and you feel better, it needs to build up in the system.
I'm not sure if it's the Sam-e that has been helping, or me trying to be aware and unafraid of my illness, but either way it's working.
2. EXERCISING! I am a personal trainer, and I own my own fitness business, and i host bootcamps M-F in my area. If you take a gander on the Internet and watch videos of some of the bootcamps out there you will notice instructors just shouting and motivating and counting time/reps. Not THIS instructor!! I WORK OUT WITH MY CAMPERS!
My theory is 3 sided:
1. If I have to wake up at 5am, I'm going to make the most out of it!
2. I'm a constant mirror of form, they can look at me and see how my body is positioned and if i notice them with bad form i can correct them and they can visually see me doing the workout properly.
3. How can i tell how effective the workouts are if i don't do them myself?!
It's been 3 weeks and not only do i feel the difference in my posture, strength, and physical appearance, I'm noticing great improvement in my cardiovascular endurance, and tolerance.. I think i might be ready for Insanity again! lol (I'll do it between cycles 1 & 2, when i have a week off). The Spartan Sprint Race is 2 weeks from tomorrow.. I feel pretty confident that I'm ready, or at least i will be ready... oh my heart just fluttered lol.. pre-race jitters lol
I find that getting that 0530 workout in gives me SO much more time and energy to get everything else done too. My campers mentioned the same thing going into week 2 "they have more energy throughout the day".
I HIGHLY recommend working out as a means to deal with anxiety disorder. I had another blog on wordpress last year and had tons of articles regarding that topic, but for some lame reason they suspended my account.. whatever.. looking to the future now and I've always been happier at Blogger anyway.
The good news is.. I'm completely off of my medications. I'm not going to say it's been easy because it hasn't been. The first 2 days completely off were atrocious: headaches almost as bad as migraines, a few hard-core panic attacks..
Let's talk about that there panic attack for a moment, shall we? It was day 2, and i was REALLY OFF that day. VERY tired, cranky, headaches.. it was just awful! I was on my way to a client and 1/2 way there it hit me like a wrecking ball to the head... Sheer and utter panic. I get to my client's house.. no one is there.. i really needed to use the bathroom.. I know gross, but if you suffer from panic or anxiety disorders you most likely experience the same thing i do. Then MORE panic set in because i HAD to go and i didn't want to defecate myself. I called my husband to at least provide a distraction, and it worked for a few moments, then the wave came even harder. The client comes home and i explain to him what is going on and that i will have to call my husband to pick me up because I'm just sick.. He understood completely, thankfully, and eventually hubby arrived to come get me.. i left my car there and went home and went to bed.
Since then i have had 3 other attacks. One was the following week, on a Saturday then again the next Monday. I've had increased anxiety since then when going to this client. I speculate that it is just my brain associating that client and house with panic. Every day that i go there it's been getting better and better. I've found that chewing gum and singing my favorite Duran Duran tunes helps because I'm breathing a certain way. OH yeah.. forgot to mention. I noticed that when my anxiety starts i immediately check my breathing and sure enough I'm either holding my breath or shallow breathing. So that may even be the trigger to most of my attacks.. that I'm on auto-pilot when it comes to my breathing. it's just very strange.
It's been 3 full days now and i haven't had a single episode of either!
What i have been doing in addition to being consciously aware:
1. Doc put me on Sam-e, now i am not in any way/shape/form suggesting you take this holistic approach because it's not for everyone. This supplement acts like serotonin and stabilizes mood. Normally it's suggested for depression, but because the Lexapro is considered an anti-depressant it should have the same effect. The dangers associated with Sam-e are why i recommend talking to your doctor about it first, as it CAN make things worse as noted on it's side-effect/warnings all over the Internet. It takes 7-10 days to take too.. so it's not like popping vitamin-C and you feel better, it needs to build up in the system.
I'm not sure if it's the Sam-e that has been helping, or me trying to be aware and unafraid of my illness, but either way it's working.
2. EXERCISING! I am a personal trainer, and I own my own fitness business, and i host bootcamps M-F in my area. If you take a gander on the Internet and watch videos of some of the bootcamps out there you will notice instructors just shouting and motivating and counting time/reps. Not THIS instructor!! I WORK OUT WITH MY CAMPERS!
My theory is 3 sided:
1. If I have to wake up at 5am, I'm going to make the most out of it!
2. I'm a constant mirror of form, they can look at me and see how my body is positioned and if i notice them with bad form i can correct them and they can visually see me doing the workout properly.
3. How can i tell how effective the workouts are if i don't do them myself?!
It's been 3 weeks and not only do i feel the difference in my posture, strength, and physical appearance, I'm noticing great improvement in my cardiovascular endurance, and tolerance.. I think i might be ready for Insanity again! lol (I'll do it between cycles 1 & 2, when i have a week off). The Spartan Sprint Race is 2 weeks from tomorrow.. I feel pretty confident that I'm ready, or at least i will be ready... oh my heart just fluttered lol.. pre-race jitters lol
I find that getting that 0530 workout in gives me SO much more time and energy to get everything else done too. My campers mentioned the same thing going into week 2 "they have more energy throughout the day".
I HIGHLY recommend working out as a means to deal with anxiety disorder. I had another blog on wordpress last year and had tons of articles regarding that topic, but for some lame reason they suspended my account.. whatever.. looking to the future now and I've always been happier at Blogger anyway.
4.18.2011
Out of Juice
4.17.11
TurboFire Fire 45EZ.
Did I mention the last time i did this that it's not EZ? OMG!
I started to pitter out at about the 25-30 minute mark. So i had to pause it, take a 1 minute breather with a few swigs of my recovery drink and hop back on the horse. I literally couldn't jump anymore lol.
The last sequence of moves i wish i had a video camera taping me lol! I was so off! I couldn't get coordinated to save my life. so i just started hopping around the room like a rabbit laughing with the visual of what i must have looked like. I know i will eventually "get it" but that's twice that i just had no coordination at all with that sequence. Not sure if it's just too confusing or that I'm just too spent by then! lol
It's all good though.
Since it is a nice day for once, I will be doing yard work and then C25K later on.
4.16.2011
Playing Catch-up
4.16.11
I'm soooo sorry! I haven't blogged my progress since day 1, I am horrible! Rest assured, I have been very busy with training and business stuff.
Here's the update:
4.12.11
Rest Day on the TurboFire Schedule, was going to do a C25K run, but the temps were in the 40's. Too cold.
4.13.11
TurboFire Tone 30 Class.. OMG.. bands are no joke. No run today due to rain, and lots of it.
4.14.11
TurboFire Fire 45EZ (nothing EZ about that!!!!) & Stretch 10
Great workout, i was drenched. There were a couple of times when my body just pittered out, but I pushed through it. Stretch 10 is like the cherry on top.. sweet!
4.15.11
TurboFire Core 20 and C25K run.
Core 20 = no joke. Different from the usual floor abs exercises and you will feel it the next day for sure!
C25K run was great. ran 1.11 miles in 14:23. not bad! I definitely like the Nike+ GPS app for my iPhone. It's fun and affective! and if you sync it to Facebook, when you start your run it posts to your profile and every time a person likes your post or comments on it you get your own cheering squad cheering you on! I was laughing so hard at one point! lol because i didn't know why that was happening! Made the run fun though, that's for sure!
4.16.11
TurboFire Stretch 40
No C25K run due to cold temps and rain
4.12.2011
Couch to 5K - Day 1
4.12.11
Had a great day 2!
Yesterday was Day 1 of the Couch to 5k. I downloaded the Nike+GPS app for my iPhone prior to my run so i can map out a course in my neighborhood. That APP ROCKS!!! It made my run that much more enjoyable!
I was amazed at my running ability too. I am not a runner, at all, but i tackled it and i felt great afterward! Then cooled down to TurboFire Stretch 40 (Day 2 on the TF schedule). Perfect end-of-run stretch as I'm not at all sore today. I feel great!
The C25K training is 3 days per week. It's going to rain today and tomorrow, but looks like it is going to be nice from Thursday on.
Day is a rest day on the TurboFire schedule so i am going to be starting my 5x5 method weight training. I will be putting my plan together today.
Had a great day 2!
Yesterday was Day 1 of the Couch to 5k. I downloaded the Nike+GPS app for my iPhone prior to my run so i can map out a course in my neighborhood. That APP ROCKS!!! It made my run that much more enjoyable!
I was amazed at my running ability too. I am not a runner, at all, but i tackled it and i felt great afterward! Then cooled down to TurboFire Stretch 40 (Day 2 on the TF schedule). Perfect end-of-run stretch as I'm not at all sore today. I feel great!
The C25K training is 3 days per week. It's going to rain today and tomorrow, but looks like it is going to be nice from Thursday on.
Day is a rest day on the TurboFire schedule so i am going to be starting my 5x5 method weight training. I will be putting my plan together today.
4.11.2011
Finally, on my way
4.10.11
My game plan changed. I'm now doing the TurboFire prep schedule instead of the Chalean/TurboFire hybrid.
After reviewing the program, it was simply to easy, and it focused more on Chalean than TurboFire. I need TurboFire to increase my cardio endurance since the Spartan is now less than 2 months away.
Last night i started TurboFire, the day 1 schedule is Fire 30 and stretch 10. It wasn't easy, but i didn't feel light-headed and want to pass out either. There were a couple of times that i had to bring my intensity down just a tad, but it was short-lived and i hopped right back on the train with them.
I will also be starting my C25K training today. My plan, once I finish with my business work, is to drive around the neighborhood to mark out 1 mile.
I am also going to incorporate weight training 3 days per week, with the hubby, using the 5x5 method. Being that the spartan is less than 2 months away, i need a proven system to build strength, and the 5x5 will do that for me in the minimal amount of time i have to work with.
Diet is going to be a crucial part of the equation. With all of the cardio/running and weight training I'm going to need a large amount of calories. The biggest obstacle i have, personally with the diets, is variety. I get tired of eating the same things over and over, chicken is great, but i can only handle so much of it!! I can eat endless salads forever, but they do not provide enough calories and protein to sustain me to my next snack or meal.
4.06.2011
Reassessment
I want to preface before i get into the thick of it by saying that weaning from an anti-depressant is serious business, and you really have to take care of yourself and listen to your body.
I say this because yesterday was a particularly hard day (day #3 of the wean). Bad headaches, tired is barely a word to describe the lethargic feeling, no appetite, and that is to mention just a few.
I had to skip the workout yesterday, and had planned on working out today, but I'm keeping it at a yard-work only work-out, as my anxiety levels are a bit high, and my symptoms today are worse than yesterday.
I AM afraid of a repeat of Monday, I will not deny it. IT was scary. I am however, grateful for the experience because if one of my boot campers experiences light headed-ness i know what to do while waiting for an ambulance to come. I always say "everything happens for a reason", and whether that is the reason, or it's something that has to do with my physical state, it happened and it happened for a reason. I don't look at it as a set-back, I look at it as a learning experience.
While i was scheduling out my to-do list last night i decided that i am going to forgo the full Insanity jump in and continue with my Chalean weight training and after a week i will switch to the Chalean/TurboFire hybrid. That will allow me to have the weight training i need (and want) as well as bring up my cardio levels.
When I started P90X, i didn't just buy the program and jump in. I knew my body was not physically able to do it. What i did do, is purchased 10 minute trainer then worked up to turbo jam, then Chalean Extreme, THEN i did P90X. And because of that gradual increase, i was able to kick major doopah with P90X! I never felt like a failure or discouraged, and i didn't have any physical side effects, other than soreness, which is what i love because it tells me I'm getting somewhere.
Thinking ahead to the Spartan coming up in June, my decision to register was to give my own brother a push, and to also use this to gauge my own physical capabilities for the Tough Mudder in November. That being the case, I'm clearly not ready for Insanity. I need to take the same "marathon vs. sprint" approach and work my way up.
Game Plan: Chalean/TurboFire Hybrid and Couch to 5k training. Couch to 5k training is a 30 day plan, so even if i start in May i will be OK. In the meantime I'm going to do the hybrid to get started.
I say this because yesterday was a particularly hard day (day #3 of the wean). Bad headaches, tired is barely a word to describe the lethargic feeling, no appetite, and that is to mention just a few.
I had to skip the workout yesterday, and had planned on working out today, but I'm keeping it at a yard-work only work-out, as my anxiety levels are a bit high, and my symptoms today are worse than yesterday.
I AM afraid of a repeat of Monday, I will not deny it. IT was scary. I am however, grateful for the experience because if one of my boot campers experiences light headed-ness i know what to do while waiting for an ambulance to come. I always say "everything happens for a reason", and whether that is the reason, or it's something that has to do with my physical state, it happened and it happened for a reason. I don't look at it as a set-back, I look at it as a learning experience.
While i was scheduling out my to-do list last night i decided that i am going to forgo the full Insanity jump in and continue with my Chalean weight training and after a week i will switch to the Chalean/TurboFire hybrid. That will allow me to have the weight training i need (and want) as well as bring up my cardio levels.
When I started P90X, i didn't just buy the program and jump in. I knew my body was not physically able to do it. What i did do, is purchased 10 minute trainer then worked up to turbo jam, then Chalean Extreme, THEN i did P90X. And because of that gradual increase, i was able to kick major doopah with P90X! I never felt like a failure or discouraged, and i didn't have any physical side effects, other than soreness, which is what i love because it tells me I'm getting somewhere.
Thinking ahead to the Spartan coming up in June, my decision to register was to give my own brother a push, and to also use this to gauge my own physical capabilities for the Tough Mudder in November. That being the case, I'm clearly not ready for Insanity. I need to take the same "marathon vs. sprint" approach and work my way up.
Game Plan: Chalean/TurboFire Hybrid and Couch to 5k training. Couch to 5k training is a 30 day plan, so even if i start in May i will be OK. In the meantime I'm going to do the hybrid to get started.
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