Spousal Abuse - What an Abusive Realtionship Looks Like

9:22 PM Wednesday, October 12, 2011. I'm having a total recall moment about the abuse I endured on one particular night with my former spouse.

I'm blogging about today's experience with George and thinking about how our energy attracts energy, and it quickly brought me back to the night prior to my tonsillectomy back in 2003. I was married to the former and I wanted to have a really big steak dinner the night before my tonsillectomy because I knew I wasn't going to be eating very good food, if at all, for a couple of weeks. He had to go to an Elks meeting that night and said he would leave as soon as it was over and we would then go have dinner.

An hour and a half after I knew the meeting would have ended I called his cell phone and he did not answer. I waited 15 minutes and called again - he did not answer. I waited another 15 minutes then I got in my car and went over to the Elks Lodge where he was, not surprisingly, at the bar drinking. I became very irate, very angry, and very upset because (1) he was drinking (the catalyst to all of the problems), and (2) because we were supposed to go somewhere and he completely blew me off and disregarded me because he had hit the bottle. I then got in my car and proceeded to the restaurant without him.

It was raining that night, and on my way to the restaurant I hit a pothole the size of a crater because I couldn’t see it on the rain slicked roadway because it was filled with water. On top of it all I had to call for police escort because I was in a very bad neighborhood. The gentlemen at the gas station, which I broke down in front of, didn't speak a lick of English and couldn't even help me jack the car up. Shortly after the cop arrived another car hit that same pothole while I was trying to tend to my tire. Thankfully, the police officer was there and had witnessed it and was able to make a full and valid report of the damage to the roadway and our vehicles. I had AAA come and tow the car back to my house because I had a flat spare.. I can laugh now.

It was then that my husband pulled up.. now for anyone that knew him, it's no surprise that he dislikes cops it's an even bigger dislike because he knows that I want to be one, so naturally (in his drunken mind) I'm sleeping with the cop. But what was even worse was that he was there and drunk and I didn't say a word to the police officer. In fact, I kept him away from the police officer so he wouldn’t get in trouble. I did that for HIS daughter. As a truck driver had he gotten a DUI/DWI he would have had his license suspended which would take away his income and ultimately HIS daughter would have been the victim. Never did I defend him for HIM, I defended him for my safety and his daughter’s livelihood. As a child to a single mother growing up, I know how important every dollar is no matter how minimal the amount.

Make a long story short I never got the steak that night, but I did get a good tongue lashing over the next six hours about how I was sleeping with the cop, until he passed out. That was the second to the last fight that we had prior to me leaving for good.

The point at which I'm trying to make is that I was in such a negative-energy-state that night. I was angry, upset, I had anxiety, but mostly anger. All of that combined really, really created a wave of negativity around me to which brought me to the pothole.

I always believe everything happens for a reason. There's a reason why that happened that night. What that reason is I still don't know. Could the restaurant have caught on fire? Could I have been in an accident while I was on the highway? Could I have been mugged in the parking lot at the restaurant because it wasn’t in a nice area? There was a reason why I wasn't allowed to go to that restaurant that night. Was it divine intervention? Was it the negative energy I created for myself by reacting to the situation that way?

Whatever the reason is, it could very well explain why prior to my wisdom teeth surgery about a month ago, I was stressed out and anxious for absolutely no reason. I think it was my brain reliving the trauma of the night prior to my tonsillectomy. The one big difference is that I'm no longer married to that asshole and I have a wonderful husband who is very supportive and very caring and very concerned for my well-being, not his own selfish needs or wants.

It's amazing what we remember and what the mind recalls, when it recalls it, why it recalls it, and why sometimes these thoughts never pop into our minds. I almost feel sometimes like my brain is on overload and it's just trying to purge out the junk it doesn't need any more. Lately, as of the last couple of months, it's been doing a lot of purging. Digging up a lot of memories that are negative that I've experienced but that are linked to things that I’m experiencing now in the present. That's what I like to call a total recall. Could it be because I’m no longer on anti-depressants and anti-anxiety meds? Were those meds suppressing all of these memories? Or was my system so traumatically stressed out that it just shut all the visual memories down, and left the physical aspect (anxiety, depression, panic attacks) to run rampant until my visual mind was able to lasso it all together?

God only truly knows,  but because I sustained such heavy damage on my vehicle prior to going in for surgery, my car sat in front of my house with a flat tire. The entire time I was held captive in my own home recovering with an abusive alcoholic. Shortly after Easter, this would be about a couple of weeks after my surgery, my husband decided to get drunk when he came home from work, that in and of itself is high anxiety because you know what's coming… you're too weak to do anything about it and you have no way to get away from it, but like I said everything happens for a reason.

He decided to pick a fight that night… verbally berated the shit out of me… making me feel lower than I felt being only 70 pounds (because I could not eat) having zero energy (because I had no nutrition-if only Shakeology would have been invented back then), I couldn't talk (because of the surgery), so I crawled my way to the bathroom with my cell phone and I called my father. He ended up grabbing the phone from me and started telling my father that I was delusional because I was on medication, which was not true. When I heard that I grabbed his cell phone and I called my brother, and I locked myself in my bedroom where I could sit on the floor and pack a bag, while I waited for my brother to arrive. Meanwhile, unbeknownst to me, the cops were on their way.

The cops showed up before my brother could get there, and when they arrived they took my husband out of the house. They then broke into my room saw the condition I was in, put me on each of their arms and escorted me to my living room and then to my brother’s car. That was the night I left and I never went back. Well, until the next day with my brother to put the repaired spare tire on my car and drive it home.

It's funny how you can link the past to the present. I think about that a lot. How I felt.  Where my emotions were.  Where my strength came from, and the police officers that left with me. If you think about the police officers, how they were like my knights in shining armor at the time. Had it not been for them, my brother would probably be in jail right now because he probably would've killed my now ex-husband.

That whole year that I was married to him is just one big blank blur of anger and anxiety and depression. I wasn't happy. I find pictures of myself sometimes when I'm cleaning things out and I was not happy. There was never a smile on my face. It's amazing what we see when we look at our pictures.  It’s even more amazing when we can actually attach that to a recall.

For anyone that's in a bad relationship… Just get out! Don't worry about what if…? Save yourself! Wouldn't it be nice if…? Answer that question for yourself and believe me your survival instinct will kick in and you will know where to go and what to do, and God will put the right person(s) in your path. Don't live another day with that anxiety and anger and that abuse, it's just not good! It has destroyed the better part of my adult life! I have been suffering since I was 25 years old because of him and now I’m 37 and I'm just starting to get over it all now.

When my current AWESOME hubby and I had our pre-marriage meetings with our Church, Reverend Smith said this monster would rear its ugly head again in our marriage. I laughed and told him no way.. Well, he was right. In fact, it never truly wasn’t there because he had done so much damage I didn’t know how to be me. Kyle lets me be me, he holds my hand when I need it, he laughs with me, he’s always encouraging me, and supporting me, and trying to make me happy. He deals with my anxiety in traffic, he takes all the necessary steps he knows how to make sure my well-being is protected. THAT is how a REAL husband should treat you, not like my former. That is what a healthy relationship is, not what I was married to the first time.

Unlike a blackboard; a blog should never be erased

Over the course of the past 4 years or so I’ve created quite a few blogs about my journey with fitness and Beachbody programs. I had a REAL GREAT blog called "My Wedding Workout" that I created just to help keep me accountable to my fitness goals while I trekked to the isle to marry my wonderful husband.

Once I got married though, I didn't really see the need to keep that blog going, so instead of just not updating and letting the spiders find it and spin there interwebs for future brides... I deleted it. That was ONE of the many mistakes I’ve made in life, but the good thing about learning is that once you erase the blackboard, you can always write upon it again.

I have now transitioned from the crazy single chick on a mission to make sure she looked damn good in her wedding dress, to the madly insane wife of a police officer. lol yes I laugh as it's just a joke really... I'm not madly insane just a PMDD, PTSD, panic and anxiety disorder sufferer which leads to its occasional bouts of depression.

I realize that there is a huge closet population of PMDD; PTSD; Panic Disorder; Anxiety Disorder; Depression sufferers out there. How do I know? Because I am one, and I know one when I see them. Either by their words on a Facebook post, Sharecare blog, email, tweet, or personal conversation... I know who they are, and they know me too. We just know.

It’s a secret society... only we don’t have a 12 step program... we have a private meeting with a specialist that we pay to listen to our frustrations but can offer nothing of value but a blue piece of paper and another appointment to further the stress of having to pay more money to a disease that just doesn’t stop.

When I created this blog back in February it was to document my journey to the Spartan Race (in June) and The Tough Mudder (in November). I dropped out of the tough mudder because my disorder told me I won’t be ready to deal with winter temps in mud and water for 12 miles. Why? Because after the Spartan race in June I sunk into a deep depression; my anxiety & panic attacks were FIERCE and taking over my life... Why? Well if you insist... I weaned off of my medications to control them... Why? Boy you are very inquisitive aren’t you? Because DH and I want to start a family and the side effects greatly reduce the likelihood that I will have a normal child... Whatever normal means, but as a mother-to-be-but-not-yet it is MY responsibility to make sure my child gets the best head start it is afforded in life. Do you have any more questions about that? I think it sums it up nicely.

Back to what I was saying… So I dropped out of the race before it even started... I’m not regretting my decision... the race isn’t going anywhere...  I’ll sign up for next year and hopefully I’ll be ready or with child.. one or the other it’s on the bucket list, so as long as the world sustains past 2012 I’ll be good to go, but I digress... I have to change the focus of the blog now because I’m no longer focusing on the races. I’m focusing on using fitness, something I’ve been passionate about since I was a teenager, as a means to get a hold of this Insanity.

The challenges are the PMDD and the depression because one goes hand-in-hand with the other. It all revolves around my menstrual cycle which is like being at six flags every day for an entire year... roller coaster after roller coaster (it’s no wonder I hate roller coasters) It’s a viscous cycle… kinda like laundry. Once the Spartan Race was over and the depression and anxiety took hold the workouts started to seize up. Housework and yard work and some occasional dog walks were about the extent of it my work outs. Which isn’t bad at all because I kept physically active with functional exercises in the form of everyday living, but it wasn’t nearly as intense as what I’m accustomed to.

For those that know me know I’m a personal trainer, I own my own business, which like this economy has tanked, but my optimistic self is keeping this train on course! And to broaden my base I am also a NASM Elite Trainer with Sharecare (since Jan 2011) and I am also an Independent Team Beachbody Coach (since Nov 2009). So I’m pretty rounded in the fitness industry as far as outlets to help people with their goals go, and I’m great at it. No self-plugging going on here... it’s just a fact... I can motivate people and get them to and beyond their goals. It’s just something that comes natural to me, possibly because I was in the customer service industry in the corporate environment since 1990 when I was able to start working as a teenager, oh and that I suffer from the aforementioned conditions.

Wait. I hear another question. How can I motivate people and not be motivated myself? Well, It’s not that I’m not motivated... far from... my chemicals just lack the transportation necessary to get my body moving the way my brain wants it to. Kind of like that devil on the shoulder... the angel says LET’S GO TEAM! The devil says BITE ME! That is precisely why I’m good at what I do... because I HAVE that little devil and can relate to those that do too because basically that is all it really is.. the devil saying “nope, not today, go get that bag of chips and some soda. Nope, not today don’t feel like getting off the couch because Grey’s Anatomy is on and I want to cry over characters of a story.”... my devil says it too. They all say it... it’s like there’s a devil school, kinda like clown school. The only difference is I HATE Grey’s Anatomy! But there seems to be some massive cult following to a show that is all about tragedy and relationship problems. Don’t we have enough of that in our own lives? Maybe if we paid as much attention to our own relationships instead of made up ones on TV we wouldn’t have such a high divorce rate, our kids wouldn’t be fat, and obesity in general wouldn’t be such an epidemic... Just a thought, but I digress.

So here I am standing naked before you, (figuratively of course), ready to embark once again on my fitness journey. My primary workouts will be from Beachbody simply because I LOVE workout videos and they have the best ones hands down. I will also be incorporating Yoga, TRX, and SMR (foam rolling) into my journey... and who knows maybe something else will peak my interest along the way.

Let’s Dig Deep here and Bring It! Are you with me!?