Reading or Listening

Books have long been a tool to learn, to lose yourself, or to grow yourself.

I love to read, and I’d rather read a book than watch TV sometimes. My favorite place to read is in the backyard, on the deck with a nice cool beverage (or hot coffee depending on the season). It’s quiet, (for the most part), and relaxing. The sounds of nature distract your brain from drifting (which mine has the tendency to do, especially when it’s a very good book).

Normally i read books that pertain to self help, in thought and in my relationships with others, crime books, decorating and design, and more recently wedding planning. Though, with my most recent purchase still due to arrive, I decided to change it up a bit this time. I ordered “The Shack” on audio book.

I believe that you are directed down a certain path for a reason. I believe there are signs that lead you to that path. Those signs can be either bold and in your face, or subtle and discreet.  I’m not a water-walker by any means, but i do have a God and i believe he’s there to help me be a better person.

Last Sunday’s church handout had a plethora of information regarding programs that are about to start or have recently started for those that want to enrich themselves or the lives of others. One that particularly caught my attention was the book/reading club. the book they are discussing now is “The Shack”. My curiosity has been peaked enough for me to Google this book to find out more about it.  I have no current plans on joining the book club though, but i have now found a good resource to introduce me to books i would not have come across otherwise.

What i found was a website dedicated solely to this book which offered a preview of the Forward and the entire first chapter. I didn’t want to put it down, err rather close the screen. So to amazon i went and i purchased the audio book.

I think what led me to making that decision was the fact that the book does not come in hard cover. I like hard cover books better than paperback. They last longer, and they look better on the shelves of the library i am in the process of creating.

I’m excited about my purchase and i can not wait to receive it. It will become good listening material on my long commutes to my FH’s house on Fridays while i’m sitting in traffic.

When life hands you lemons....

When life hands you lemons do you make lemonade?  or do pucker up and blow steam and spew toxic attitude and words to anyone that will listen?

The latter annoys me when it’s a trivial matter, but i do understand certain life events warrant such behavior.

Two recent events come to mind that are perfect examples:

When a co-worker, that’s been on the job WAY longer than you, messes up hardcore and you are the one that has to suffer as a result (i.e., stay later as a result of said person’s shortcomings) that warrants a blow off of steam.

Technology on the other hand? warrants patience and understanding that certain things are NOT in your control and you have to just go with the flow.

Recently my town became a black out zone for blackberries and their data network. Voice worked fine, but those without blackberries still experienced poor voice service and limited bars. I contacted my carrier and told them of the situation after someone else i know reported it and received a ticket # from tech. I explained the entire situation to the CS rep and was given further instruction, and that a follow up call will happen within 48 hours. OK so i have no data network (in town) a bit of an inconvenience but it is what it is.. a phone.

My friend on the other hand goes out and replaces his phone, then sim card, then the replacement phone fails and he replaces that and then again with that phone so he is now on his 4th phone. The last visit he reported that the tech stole his memory card, and he had to buy a new one. All of that because of lack of patience.

Meanwhile, within 24 hours of my call, data service is restored and my phone is back to normal. But now HIS e-mails aren’t coming to his phone. I instructed him to contact the carrier and maybe they can help him out.. He goes on a tirade about how he wants to kick someone’s a$$, that this is ridiculous, blah blah blah.. i turned my PIN status to off so i was no longer bothered with this toxicity anymore.

The bottom line.. it’s a phone. Understandably an expensive plan, but that’s why CSR’s can issue credits to customers to keep them happy. If you are a Dr., or someone who needs that phone for business purposes, then i can almost understand being frantic and angry, but just having that phone so you aren’t bored at work or something like that? warrants nothing but patience and faith that the carrier will fix the situation.

“Haste makes waste” and “Patience is a virtue” are very good life lessons here.

I had patience thus no aggravation. He had haste and wasted  a lot of time, money, and energy on a trivial item.

What do you do when life hands YOU lemons?

Respect in Death

Today my Grandmother passed away. This would be my Mom’s Mom and the final Grandparent to pass.

My Grandmother and i weren’t very close. As a child we were, but as the years went by and her personality was understood by the adult me i didn’t really want to be around her that much.

I love my Grandmother don’t get me wrong, but i just couldn’t be near her without getting angry. As with all toxic things in life you just kind of stop being near them for your own sanity. Doesn’t mean i disliked her, i just disliked how she treated and manipulated people.

It really started with the death of her husband, my Grandfather, a man that i loved and adored more than anything in this world besides my own Father. I was very close to him, he taught me how to spell when we would go pick my Grandmother up from work. Foodtown was the first word i spelled; it was on the trucks in the lot next door to where she worked. He taught me how to play tic-tac-toe. He took me for walks passed the Edison Lighthouse to the statue that overlooked the train tracks so we could watch the trains together. He took me fishing when i was just a tiny child. I caught trout and sunnies! I had so many wonderful memories of my Grandfather.

When he became ill with dimensia it broke my heart. He didn’t know who i was anymore. When i would come over to have dinner with them he would refer to me as his daughter’s name (my Mom). I wouldn’t show how upset i was, but when i left i would cry my eyes out. It just pained me to see him dying slowly, and my Grandmother talking down to him like he could help his condition. That’s when it started for me; when i started to look at her differently.

When my Grandfather passed away on January 2, 2004 it broke my heart. What ripped my heart out was how his death was handled by my Grandmother. She basically threw him out with the trash. No service, no wake, no nothing.. she just cremated him. Didn’t tell us Grand children so we can pay our final respects no nothing. That is when the resentment started.

I tried to understand why she did it, pain, sorrow, anger, but it never made sense to me. When the weather warmed we (my Aunt and us Grandchildren) decided to allow his ashes to drift into the waters of the park in which he served as a park attendant before he retired. The park that he took me to to fish for the first time, the park we used to feed the ducks at, the park that i now walk in after work to feel close to him and meditate to him when life gets a little hard.

I still have a tiny bit of his remains in the receptacle in which they put him after cremation. He sits above my computer desk watching over me. I will never discard of him like my Grandmother did.

Since his passing, my Grandmother sold their home and moved into an assisted living facility where she would remain until she had to go to Hospice about a month ago, where she died today.

During her stay there she managed to manipulate her own daughter on too many occasions to count when she would need to travel across country to see HER daughter at college. So many times i had to check on her on my Aunt’s behalf because my G-ma would claim she was too ill for her to leave.. I would get there and she would be completely fine. That’s when i stopped visiting all together.

Eventually the phone calls would die down too because when i did call she would bust my chops and manipulate me and make me feel guilty for not calling more often. I wanted to, but she would make me so angry with all of the past manipulations with everyone else. As my Mother taught me, if you have nothing nice to say; don’t say anything at all.

That is where i left things with her until she went into the hospital a couple of months ago. I put all my anger and grudges aside to see her since we knew it wasn’t going to be long now.

In that time though, my Mom’s Fiance’ passed away suddenly, and i was left with the task of helping my Mother through her dark time. My Grandmother had a stroke anyway and couldn’t remember who i was, so as guilty as i felt i didn’t lose sleep at night because i didn’t come see her while she was at Hospice. My mom was my concern, and still is.

When the e-mail finally came from my Aunt today i really had no emotion. I’m not sad, i’m not happy, i’m not angry. I guess you could say i’m relieved that she is no longer suffering in her hell here on Earth, and that God accepts her into his world.

Goodbye Grandma. May you rest in peace finally. I’m sorry i didn’t visit you after your move to Hospice, but I will see you at the ceremony, say hi to Grandpa for me.

Pay it Forward

Before i get started on this post i have to mention that some weird things have been happening lately.

The other day the term “Procrastination” came to mind and some time that day a blog that i was reading, by a fitness trainers that i idol, brought that subject up as well.

Yesterday i was thinking about the State Trooper that was involved in our Governor’s car accident a while back, and yesterday evening i was at the grocery store and he was on the front page of the newspaper.

Wednesday i went to the big box bulk store and purchased a trunk full of cereal for my Church. Today the movie “Pay it Forward” was on HBO.

Craziness i tell ya!

I watched “Pay it Forward” again for the hundredth time today. I love Kevin Spacey for one, and two, it just fit into the way i was feeling this week.

I’ve always been a giving person. In fact, I’d rather give than receive because it makes me feel better knowing that person is happy. I always look for that opportunity, as long as it’s not compromising my integrity and my financial well-being. So what’s 50 dollars to feed some hungry people? Not much, but that thought that they will eat a healthy breakfast cereal as opposed to junk, or worse.. garbage, humbles me.

Now that the Thanksgiving season is upon us, it’s time to collect for the food pantries and local shelters. I’m lucky as sometimes my company sponsors a drop box, my Mom’s company sponsors a huge drop-off and they even have competitions internally with which floor can get the most food and or gift certs to the local grocery stores (there are 12 floors so the competition is fierce!). This year I’m blessed that my Church is a drop center, and i am looking forward to clipping coupons and getting two for one deals to make my drop-off bigger and better this year.

We have a lot of people out of work, a lot of families on the brink of starvation and collapse. I am doing ok in this economy; so what’s a few bucks to help out those that have less than nothing?

When i joined this Church just a few short months ago, the Reverend told my FH and I that they don’t ask for monthly monetary donations. They ask that you help out in other ways, like volunteering etc. I’m a very shy person so volunteering with things that i know nothing about is not something my anxiety levels can handle at this point in my wedding planning life. I decided instead to donate what i can and that is what they need. They need cereal so i went out and bought what i could afford. They will need for their food pantry in a month or so and i will help out there too. If they needed help weeding the property i can do that in the blink of an eye, but i think they have a landscaping company do that stuff!

The bottom line is: every day we breathe on this Earth we do it for ourselves. Why not give someone else a breathe of fresh air for a moment so they can breathe too? That doesn’t mean you have to go out and spend your last dime on food/clothing/gifts etc. It can easily be done when sitting in traffic and letting a person into a lane or out of a parking lot. Bagging your own groceries instead of having the cashier do it for you which will make the line for others move quicker. Seeing someone behind you with a ton of kids (or not) that has 2 items and you have a cart full, move aside and let them go ahead of you. Smile at someone that needs it, or just simply say “Good Morning” to  a stranger passing by! The possibilities are endless and mostly there are no costs involved. It’s simply being a nice and courteous person.

The concept of the movie is touching, and the world would be a better place should we all have that mantality, but let’s face it. Coming from a metrolpolitan area i know all too well that 90% of the people living in it are living it for themselves, that’s why there is so much crime and murder around here. So us other 10% need to do something to help, even if it is those doing all of those bad things.. that’s ok who am i to judge? i just want to be judged correctly when i get to the pearly gates.

Blink of an Eye

Life can change in the blink of an eye. A job can be lost, a job can be gained, relationships start and end suddenly, families brought together and torn apart, all within a blink of an eye. Never are these things foreseen or prepared for.

No one expects tragedy to knock on their door, if they did it really wouldn’t be a tragedy would it? Our family lost my Mom’s Fiance’ almost 3 weeks ago. When the news came i was so shocked it took 30 good minutes for me to understand what just happened. I cried on and off for days, helped my Mom through the wake and Funeral, and continue to be a sounding board and someone to talk to and do things with until the sudden shock of it subsides and she can continue with life on her own.

I always see these types of stories on the news, and i always think to myself  “WOW! that poor family how do they manage life now with that type of pain?” I guess i now know.

That made my morning commute a solemn one once i reached work. I witnessed the clean up of a really bad accident. I would be surprised if anyone survived it, and hope and pray that if they did they don’t live life like a vegetable.

My building is situated in an industrial complex off of a 4 lane road to which the entrance sits directly across the complex across the 4 lane. Speed limit is 50, but mostly everyone does 60+, myself included. Once i turned onto the 4 lane from the highway, i noticed A LOT of emergency vehicles ahead. I saw what appeared to be a Boar’s Head box truck up a curb being pulled back by a tow truck.

I had to make a left to cross the 4 lane, so i waited for on coming traffic to pass. This gave me time to observe the scene, and what i saw almost brought me to tears. A late 90′s Teal Ford Explorer was t-boned by said truck up the curb and into a poll and bushes. I would be surprised if anyone survived that. The truck was literally smaller than my car now, and the driver’s side was now outside of the passenger side that’s how crushed it was. I pulled across the 4 lane and stopped on my road. I was going to take a picture, like all of us camera phone junkies do, but i couldn’t. Somewhere a family was being notified that their loved one(s) had a tragic accident, and i immediately thought back to the phone call my mother gave me the day her Fiance’ died. They need their privacy, and the respect, not the media frenzy and the shock and awe photos to be blasted in blogs and on Facebook.

I made the sign of the cross, said a real quick prayer and headed to work.

Change

Most people hate change. Some people despise change. Others embrace change.

Those that embrace it understand that in order for life to flow, and for them to grow change is a necessity.

I, myself, sit on the fence with change., though i know it is needed in order to grow and life to flow. If it’s something i can control i will research the heck out of it in order to make an educated decision. If it’s something that life throws at me, that i cannot control, i hold my nose and jump in and pray there is no undercurrent to hold me down.

Because i have anxiety disorder, change can be a double-edged sword for me. When my company moved 4 exits farther than it was originally located (where i drove everyday for 5.5 years) my stomach turned the closer and closer the move date came. I couldn’t understand why though because the company i was with previously was located just a block from my company’s new location, and i drove THERE for 4 years. The more my boss talked about it the more anxious i became, and the sicker my stomach got.

Once the move happened though i was fine, i worked 12 hour days, sometimes 6 days straight, for about 2 months. Work needed to be done, customers needed to be serviced and no one else but a couple other people put the time in so it made more work for me and the others. I didn’t mind though because i was a part of something bigger, management was watching us like hawks and i wanted to shine and this was my opportunity, and we did.

Not only did we receive OT pay for the time put in, but during our company open house (where all vendors, and customers and my fellow co-workers attended) the owner of the company paid us high praises for the work that we did, the dedication we had to the company and the sacrifices we made. That didn’t sit well with those that we dubbed “the slackers’. Oh well i say!

Now that the dust has settled, my department is still evolving and changing and i’m happy about it. I do not fear it, but i do analyze everything to see how it will impact both us and other departments. The perfect pairing in my opinion!

Are you getting everything out of life that you want? Are you stuck in a lull?

You must ask yourself… How do I embrace change?

Change may be uncomfortable at first, but it’s much needed to grow and become the person you want to become.

On the edge of the dark forest

One night I dreamed I was walking along the beach with the Lord.
Many scenes from my life flashed across the sky.
If you have had the chance to touch base with my blogger blog “It’s a Crazy Place” then you know that my Mom’s Fiance’ passed away very recently. Trying to keep her from slipping into the blackness of depression is a feat that only the strong can accomplish.

Thankfully, I’ve been there, in the depths of darkness. At the time i wasn’t thankful, but as my favorite saying goes “Everything Happens for a Reason”. I used to think it was to get the one broad at my job fired because she was a time-stealing-thief, but now that this has happened to my Mother, i’m thinking this might be the actual reason why.

I learned a lot from my 6 months on the couch and 6 months of being a medicated guinnea pig.

1. never take life for granted, because you never know when it will end.

2. stop and listen to the sounds of life, and the visual beauty of it as well.

3. when something BIG happens, you better have a damn good support group and a good Dr. to get you through it.

When i was in, what i called, “My valley of darkness” the only support group i had was my Father, my friend who is a poice officer, and my Brother. My Mom “couldn’t deal with it”, yet i’m now helping her. Thankfully, for her sake, i’m not a spitefull person. I had (and still do from time to time) a great Psychologist for when the big things happen. He acts as my sounding board.

I’m trying to get her to see a “shrink” for lack of a better term, so that he/she can monitor her and make sure she is OK. They are more trained than i am to recognize deep depression, i can only see it by what actions she displays, and she is most cunning sometimes. Her fear is that they will medicate her and she will not function anymore. That’s BS because i’m medicated and feel better than i ever did in my entire life.. imagine that! living your whole life depressed and not even realizing it!

Through my journey in the valley of darkness i did find my God. At times i felt abandoned, alone, scared, desparate, suicidal even until i found the very famous poem “Footprints in the Sand”

In each scene I noticed footprints in the sand.
Sometimes there were two sets of footprints,
other times there were one set of footprints.
This bothered me because I noticed
that during the low periods of my life,
when I was suffering from
anguish, sorrow or defeat,
I could see only one set of footprints.
So I said to the Lord,
“You promised me Lord,
that if I followed you,
you would walk with me always.
But I have noticed that during
the most trying periods of my life
there have only been one
set of footprints in the sand.
Why, when I needed you most,
you have not been there for me?”
The Lord replied,
“The times when you have
seen only one set of footprints in the sand,
is when I carried you.”
-Mary Stevenson

This helped me understand my lonliness on my really bad days; it helped pull me through them as well.