Hormones rule the world!

I had a major set back 2 weekends ago. Well, actually the set back ended up being the catalyst for me to get aggressive and do something about this. Through the course of the last few months I have determined that whatever is ailing me isn't anxiety or panic, it's hormonal. I have the iPeriod App on my iPhone and I've been tracking my moods and symptoms and it's all revolving around my cycle.

I have been saying since this nightmare started in 2004-2005 that it was hormonal. All of my symptoms point to it, but because "doctors know best" i believed them when they told me "anxiety". Thanks for the label! So I've been suffering with "anxiety" for nearly 10 years now. It's put my life in a stand still, and I'm pissed. NO MORE!

A couple of weekends ago, i had an unexplained, unprovoked, crazy - insane episode that made me want to admit myself to a rubber room! I'm not kidding! Instead, I called my BFF and her Fiance (who's practically a doctor) and they came over to my house and he discussed everything that i was going through with me. He feels that it's hormonal too, but what is causing it, and has been the culprit for so many years going undetected?

He pointed me in the direction of an endocrinologist, because those are the docs that handle things like this.. REALLY?!? I thought they were just for diabetics.. had i known..... but i digress. He also gave me an idea of what type of tests they should run, great! i have a starting point.

The rest of the weekend i suffered in silence, but i now had a light shining at the end of the tunnel so i was motivated and felt a little at ease despite the symptoms being overwhelming. I researched the doctors in my plan that fell into the category of doctors i needed.

First thing that Monday i started calling to make appointments. The first office i tried calling, Dr. Cobin in Ridgewood NJ, her staff was absolutely RUDE, short, no help at all, i refuse to be a part of a practice to be treated like garbage. The next doctor, no answer. The 3rd doctor, staff was unbelievably friendly and helpful so i booked my appointment, but not until January 18th! WHAT?! OK I'll suffer. In the meantime, I'll make an appointment with the Internal Medicine/Family Practice doctor my hubby goes to.

3 days later i met with a great, younger female doctor that listened to every single one of my symptoms. Talked to me about what I've endured the last 10 years. Made a photocopy of the list of symptoms I wrote down, and discussed tests, and what she feels is the culprit. Her goal: find out WHY.

I'm scheduled for pelvic ultrasounds next week to check the ovaries for cysts, an EKG to address the fluttering i get in my chest to rule out and cardiac problems, and 6 vials of blood to run all the tests that will possibly lead to the issue.. If anything, a base-line for the endocrinologist to start with.

When i told her who the Endo-Dr was she was happy with my choice. She knows the doctor and gave him high praises, as did the patients that left their recommendations all over the Internet. I feel better knowing i will end up in good hands in January, and that i finally found a doctor that isn't brushing this off as anxiety or stress. Who doesn't have stress!?! lol

In the meantime, Monday is my pelvic ultrasound, i hate those, but it has to be done. I'll keep you updated on  the results of that. I can't wait to get this over with so i can be a productive member of society again!

Here is a list of symptoms that i was experiencing for 5 days straight:
Dizzy
Nausea
Heart Palps/Rapid Heart Beat
Night Sweats
Extreme Hot Flashes that lasted for HOURS
Anxiety/Panic feeling
Sensitivity to light, smells, sounds
Insomnia
Headaches
Severe oily skin
Acne
Trouble Concentrating
Confusion
Couldn't Remember anything
Sever bouts of uncontrolled hysterical crying
Moody
No Appetite
Jittery
Jumpy
Tingling in my hands and feet

The hardest part was the hot flashes and the nausea. When i say hot flashes they didn't come and go. I was extremely hot for hours on end, the cooling off/tremors started at around 10pm at night, then i would have night sweats, and when i say hot, i don't mean I'm uncomfortably warm, I'm sweating, and feel like I'm on fire. I could literally sit outside in a bikini and melt a 10 foot pile of snow with my hands and not feel a bit of cold. That's extreme - that's the scary part. I don't think stress or anxiety carries all of these symptoms at once, in fact i know it doesn't. Thankfully I'm on the road to getting this resolved and have doctors that actually care now.

On an Ebb

Thankfully, I was beginning to wonder if i was ever going to see it again.

Since my last update, i have since stopped taking Sam-e. It really wasn't doing anything for the anxiety, and since I'm not depressed, i really didn't see the sense in taking it. I'll keep it in the nutritional section of my pantry for now.

I have managed to only have 1 mild flutter of anxiety this week prior to going to my client. I managed to get through the brief annoyance. The 2nd mild flutter was with the younger client on a walk on the first extremely hot day this week. We did 2 miles, 3/4 of which where up-hill at mostly a 45º incline. It was a scorcher, and I wasn't prepared for a walk that day, but she wanted to walk as opposed to doing her training so walk we did.. I'm going to have to start charging more for that stuff lol. I don't mind though, good training for my Spartan Sprint on June 4th!  Less than 2 weeks away!!

So anyway, we were about .75 of a mile from her home when i just started feeling weird.. i let it go, then i actually had a heart palp, and then i got nervous, trying to shut down an anxiety ridden mind is like trying to shut off a fire hydrant with a toothbrush. My greatest fear was her being in a situation where i fell ill and she needed to go for help or something.. i know, i know.. stupid, but that is what people with anxiety like mine worry about. However, i kept on trucking up those damn hills lol, and started REALLY dumb conversations just to keep my mind off of it. Oh and i also found a nail at the end of someone's driveway and picked it up and disposed of it properly, would want them to get a flat tire lol. See! it's stupid stuff like that! 

Between the bootcamps and the hill training I'm getting here i think I'll be good in a week-and-a-half! At least i hope so anyway!

The reason for this post.. silly me.. i noticed now that I'm exercising extensively with the 0530 bootcamps and some client workouts at the end of some days, I'm too tired to have anxiety. I mean I'm exhausted. I was sitting in traffic on my way home from my "up-hill" client the other day and i literally wanted to close my eyes and sleep. NORMALLY i would be a frantic mess trying to find the path of least resistance home. I'm just too tired to care anymore, even though the brain is subconsciously controlling those attacks, my conscious self is like "Would you cut the crap already, I'm tired.. my body weary"...

Hopefully, now that the system is calmed down from the last major attack, that this will be more the norm.. I like riding on the Ebb

It's 2-Fold

Sorry I've been nearly non-existent lately. I have just been busy with clients and bootcamps, and haven't had time to blog.

The good news is.. I'm completely off of my medications. I'm not going to say it's been easy because it hasn't been. The first 2 days completely off were atrocious: headaches almost as bad as migraines, a few hard-core panic attacks..

Let's talk about that there panic attack for a moment, shall we? It was day 2, and i was REALLY OFF that day. VERY tired, cranky, headaches.. it was just awful! I was on my way to a client and 1/2 way there it hit me like a wrecking ball to the head... Sheer and utter panic. I get to my client's house.. no one is there.. i really needed to use the bathroom.. I know gross, but if you suffer from panic or anxiety disorders you most likely experience the same thing i do. Then MORE panic set in because i HAD to go and i didn't want to defecate myself. I called my husband to at least provide a distraction, and it worked for a few moments, then the wave came even harder. The client comes home and i explain to him what is going on and that i will have to call my husband to pick me up because I'm just sick.. He understood completely, thankfully, and eventually hubby arrived to come get me.. i left my car there and went home and went to bed.

Since then i have had 3 other attacks. One was the following week, on a Saturday then again the next Monday. I've had increased anxiety since then when going to this client. I speculate that it is just my brain associating that client and house with panic. Every day that i go there it's been getting better and better. I've found that chewing gum and singing my favorite Duran Duran tunes helps because I'm breathing a certain way. OH yeah.. forgot to mention. I noticed that when my anxiety starts i immediately check my breathing and sure enough I'm either holding my breath or shallow breathing. So that may even be the trigger to most of my attacks.. that I'm on auto-pilot when it comes to my breathing. it's just very strange.

It's been 3 full days now and i haven't had a single episode of either!

What i have been doing in addition to being consciously aware:
1. Doc put me on Sam-e, now i am not in any way/shape/form suggesting you take this holistic approach because it's not for everyone. This supplement acts like serotonin and stabilizes mood. Normally it's suggested for depression, but because the Lexapro is considered an anti-depressant it should have the same effect. The dangers associated with Sam-e are why i recommend talking to your doctor about it first, as it CAN make things worse as noted on it's side-effect/warnings all over the Internet. It takes 7-10 days to take too.. so it's not like popping vitamin-C and you feel better, it needs to build up in the system.

I'm not sure if it's the Sam-e that has been helping, or me trying to be aware and unafraid of my illness, but either way it's working.

2. EXERCISING! I am a personal trainer, and I own my own fitness business, and i host bootcamps M-F in my area. If you take a gander on the Internet and watch videos of some of the bootcamps out there you will notice instructors just shouting and motivating and counting time/reps. Not THIS instructor!! I WORK OUT WITH MY CAMPERS!
My theory is 3 sided:
1. If I have to wake up at 5am, I'm going to make the most out of it!
2. I'm a constant mirror of form, they can look at me and see how my body is positioned and if i notice them with bad form i can correct them and they can visually see me doing the workout properly.
3. How can i tell how effective the workouts are if i don't do them myself?!

It's been 3 weeks and not only do i feel the difference in my posture, strength, and physical appearance, I'm noticing great improvement in my cardiovascular endurance, and tolerance.. I think i might be ready for Insanity again! lol (I'll do it between cycles 1 & 2, when i have a week off). The Spartan Sprint Race is 2 weeks from tomorrow.. I feel pretty confident that I'm ready, or at least i will be ready... oh my heart just fluttered lol.. pre-race jitters lol

I find that getting that 0530 workout in gives me SO much more time and energy to get everything else done too. My campers mentioned the same thing going into week 2 "they have more energy throughout the day".

I HIGHLY recommend working out as a means to deal with anxiety disorder. I had another blog on wordpress last year and had tons of articles regarding that topic, but for some lame reason they suspended my account.. whatever.. looking to the future now and I've always been happier at Blogger anyway.

TD13

3.14.11

Daylight savings had me getting out of bed at 0945 this morning! Today felt like a swift wind, can't see it and blows by real fast!

It was Hubby's work day tonight, so dinner was earlier than normal. That kind of screws up my system a little bit, but they say variety is the spice of life! I'll play along.

No panic attacks today, I felt just a tad edgy for a brief moment around 2pm ET, the majority of the day i felt a bit depressed, not unmotivated depressed.. ok maybe depressed isn't the correct word. I felt helpless... ok that will fit a bit better... Although i had some great phone calls with advertising companies and the local Chamber of Commerce and a great friend out in the Vegas area, I still felt helpless. Like i'm going nowhere, even though i'm doing all i can do at the moment to get this business up and running. Enough about that though let's get to the training..


Tonight's workout was ChaLean Push Circuit 1 and Extreme Abs. Oh goodness lol. Push is a lot different than Burn. Instead of working the upper and lower body at the same time like Burn, you only work one part at a time, with heavy weight for 8 reps max. If your arms don't feel like jello, you aren't lifting heavy enough! Never-the-less it was a great workout! Extreme Abs is EXTREME, it's not for the faint at heart, it burns immediately and you hold that for about 15 minutes! Feels GREAT though!

I have decided that Tuesday's and Thursdays are going to be my TRX Training days; keep it simple and remember it with the letter 'T'! 

The weather was a bit chilly, so i opted not to start the C25K. I'm keeping my eye on the weather this week to see when i can fit that in. It looks like Friday might be the day for that! Temps will be in the lower 60's.

Oh yeah, the food journal.. I consumed about 1300 calories today. I'm up to 1085 right now and still have to add in a part of dinner, but i have to do research because it's boneless pork chops.

 

Speed Bump

3.13.11

Hit a minor speed bump.
On day 3 of panic attacks, so i haven't been training. The weather has been cooperating and I had every intention of starting C25K this weekend, but my body had it's own idea, and i am a bit troubled by it.

I haven't had an attack in quite a while, I've had uneasy feelings in certain situations, but not a full-on panic attack.

It started Friday mid-afternoon. Our new carpet was being installed, hubby was in the dining room playing on his computer and I was cleaning the kitchen and chatting with him when i started to feel 'edgy'.

I went outside on the back deck to catch my breathe and cool down (with the edginess comes hot flashes and the feeling of not being able to breathe), once i caught the chill i went back in the house and had some cold water to drink. I felt OK after about 5 minutes.

Saturday, hubby and I were out and about running errands. We decided to go to a local tex-mex place, but on the way there we were detoured because of flooding. I got a little edgy a couple of times, but nothing too severe. We got to the restaurant, and there were a ton of little kids there, i mean LITTLE, like the ones that scream and cry for no reason at all but to hear themselves? yeah, those. I spotted a booth in the far corner of the quieter side of the main room and asked the host if we could sit there, he told us he had to have it cleared, but we could wait if we wanted. Well, that waiting period did me in, we never got seated in that booth because no one ever cleared it, so he put us in the main dining room seated behind a party of 6, and surrounded by little babies. Look, I love little babies, but not that many in one place in a crowded bustling dining room when I'm already 'edgy'.

It took the waitress forever and a day to get to us, and by that time I was already in 'flight' mode. So we left and got stuck in traffic on the way to the U-turn on the highway (because of the flooding). That's when the big one started, tunnel vision, stomach drops, shaking, light-headed, chest heavy, hot flashes..... to name a few. I saw the exit ramp, I saw the other side of the highway (which was moving at a fast pace), there was no reason to have an attack that severe. I vocally tried to calm myself down, nothing was working... next step was to jump out of the truck and run, or cry, but hubby pulled into the adjacent parking lot and cut through and took the back roads to familiar roads with no traffic. He's a God send.  

Today, day 3,  I haven't had any 'attacks', but i have felt off-the-mark. Not sure if it's the fear of having another attack, or the fact that I'm just frustrated at it all. I'm weaning off of my meds so we can start a family, and I've been doing AWESOME with the weaning, minus a couple of very minor events that had to do with the wean itself. Now this.. 3 days of hell.


Last week i started a food journal, and i only logged 2 days. Looking back, it's clear that I'm barely reaching the 1200 minimum mark. So i decided today to make sure i did. Hubby went grocery shopping for us, since that is usually a place that triggers an attack because of the loud music in the store (why!?) and the crowds and the lines.

I entered the nutrition label information, weighing my foods, making sure the portion sizes I'm consuming are correct; I'm up to about 1500 calories today. The majority of those calories came after 1pm, and since then i haven't been feeling 'edgy'. Either the lack of calories is triggering the attacks, OR it's just a coincidence that they are subsiding. 

I'm going to have to monitor and maybe play around to see if maybe lack of calories isn't creating the problem.

TD8W2

2.24.11

Great workout last night! I was especially proud of DH for keeping up with the insanity of ChaLean's Burn Intervals & Ab Burner. He only had to flip Chalene off 2ce this time hee hee, but he did it.

I noticed some strength endurance changes in myself last night during the workout. I kept the weight the same as the week prior, but I was able to get to the end of each workout. I'm not going to deny i teared up a few times, but i did it and i am so proud of myself for pushing myself to the end of each move. I'm sore today, but it feels delicious!

Yesterday was a particularly odd day of sorts. I woke up bright eyed and bushy tailed, but within about 1.5 hours this exhaustive feeling came over me. I was blogging, and catching up with my clients on Sharecare and i literally could not go on a minute longer. I had to put my feet up on the couch and just lay there for a little while. I wasn't mentally tired, meaning i didn't fall asleep, it was my physical self that was dead, like my batteries literally ran out of juice or there was a power outage! Where's that bunny when you need him?! lol

I remained on the couch for about 20 minutes, then as quickly as I stopped I started back up again! Then it was ON! Mt. Laundry was being tackled, I vacuumed the entire house, including the stairs, dusted everything, cleaned the kitchen and bathroom.. it was an all out assault on the house!

Later on that night was when DH and I crushed our workouts, then we were both in bed by 11:30! Unheard of, especially for him!  

My TRX Suspension Kit arrived that afternoon too! I cannot WAIT to get going with that! Check it out:

A Change in Plans - TD5W2

2.21.11
Slight change of plans.. I'm currently brainstorming on how I can effectively train.

Reason:
The hubby decided to workout with me for the first time since I met him over 4 years ago. Last night, I introduced him to ChaLean Extreme Burn Circuit 1.

While that puts me at week 2, it puts him 1 week behind me, and I wanted to start the TurboFire/ChaLean Hybrid last night.

So what I am "contemplating" is doing doubles, OR continuing with CEX as is and ADD TurboFire. I can do my cardio either in the morning while he's sleeping or after he leaves for work at night, this way we can to ChaLean together.

See the madness? lol

On top of all of that, I ordered the TRX Suspension System, cones, rings, and Kettlebells. 1. to add equipment to my home gym (I'm a personal trainer so i need the stuff anyway), and 2. I am going to need them to train for the Spartan and Tough Mudder (which my brother and I are OFFICIALLY entered into as of last night - yikes!)

OK, OK, OK, Yes! I AM a personal trainer, and YES I use workout videos. Why? because I love them. They are already done for me, I don't have to make my own routines, which can be time consuming believe it or not. Even trainers need trainers sometimes, and I trust the trainers I work out to on the videos. I don't buy "celebrity" videos; I buy the videos that have science behind them, that I know work.

Enough of that. The TRX Suspension System seems to be gaining in major popularity these days, so after doing much reading/research and youtube video watching, I decided that this is it. This is one of the key ingredients to my fitness routine to not only prepare for these races, but to get my body into the shape it needs to be in to function properly. I'm SO excited!

Also, I spoke to a colleague of mine out in the Vegas area yesterday morning. He is doing the Spartan Race in SoCal this upcoming weekend! So excited to hear about his experience and see some really cool pics! He did mention to me that I should consider using Insanity as well to train, because it is a good cardio endurance, mind control workout. So I'm contemplating that as well!


Update on the medication wean:
I visited the doc late last week and he wants me to stay where I am with the .5mg. After explaining the symptoms I was suffering from he wants me to slow down the decrease even more, so I have to stay here for a few more weeks. I am Ok with that, because the second .25mg drop I did was torture.


Plus, my anxiety out in public seems to be a little stronger, so he wants me to adapt more to each wean before I decrease. All-in-all though, it's been OK, and I'm feeling positive about the outcome!

How it came about..

Hopefully, you read the info about what this blog is for. If not, please see the main page.
Today I posted this on my coaching group on facebook:

Re-starting ChaLean Extreme today. After many talks with Coach Susan, i think i am going to train for a Tough Mudder for 2012. I saw that they have a training regimen and it looks fabulous! So have to get started! My biggest weakness is endurance. It never used to be that way, when i was a kid and i would swim/train at “the Y”, i used to be able to swim underwater about 3/4 the length of an Olympic size pool over and over. My trainers used to be amazed at my underwater aquatic abilities lol. Now I’m lucky if i could run a 1/4 mile without wanting to keel over. So train i must!

That post started a VERY quick whirlwind with my brother and I, and HE decided to sign us up for the Tough Mudder in November.

I went to their website and looked at the obstacle course descriptions and I about had a panic attack.
Crawling through tubes, running through electrically charged fences, running through fire..and those are just to name a few.

I became light-headed, heart started racing, and the sweats started. Panic set in.

I decided to get in contact with MY coach, and asked his advice because he was having a hard time with nerves coming into a major event himself. His advice was basic and to the point. Don’t worry about time, just focus on surviving to the end, and train.

As basic as that was, it was very effective.

I already had planned to start a workout program tonight, (as i mentioned above), but now I’m going to increase the intensity of it all. Not only do I have to work on strength; I also have to work on endurance as well. I know Insanity™ is one of the most intense endurance training programs in the video market. It’s a completely mental program that pushes your limits, and I’m REALLY going to need that. I am also going to need extreme strength training, and as much as I LOVE ChaLean I may need something more intense, but I am going to stick with that until I can find a proper substitute.

On the edge of the dark forest

One night I dreamed I was walking along the beach with the Lord.
Many scenes from my life flashed across the sky.
If you have had the chance to touch base with my blogger blog “It’s a Crazy Place” then you know that my Mom’s Fiance’ passed away very recently. Trying to keep her from slipping into the blackness of depression is a feat that only the strong can accomplish.

Thankfully, I’ve been there, in the depths of darkness. At the time i wasn’t thankful, but as my favorite saying goes “Everything Happens for a Reason”. I used to think it was to get the one broad at my job fired because she was a time-stealing-thief, but now that this has happened to my Mother, i’m thinking this might be the actual reason why.

I learned a lot from my 6 months on the couch and 6 months of being a medicated guinnea pig.

1. never take life for granted, because you never know when it will end.

2. stop and listen to the sounds of life, and the visual beauty of it as well.

3. when something BIG happens, you better have a damn good support group and a good Dr. to get you through it.

When i was in, what i called, “My valley of darkness” the only support group i had was my Father, my friend who is a poice officer, and my Brother. My Mom “couldn’t deal with it”, yet i’m now helping her. Thankfully, for her sake, i’m not a spitefull person. I had (and still do from time to time) a great Psychologist for when the big things happen. He acts as my sounding board.

I’m trying to get her to see a “shrink” for lack of a better term, so that he/she can monitor her and make sure she is OK. They are more trained than i am to recognize deep depression, i can only see it by what actions she displays, and she is most cunning sometimes. Her fear is that they will medicate her and she will not function anymore. That’s BS because i’m medicated and feel better than i ever did in my entire life.. imagine that! living your whole life depressed and not even realizing it!

Through my journey in the valley of darkness i did find my God. At times i felt abandoned, alone, scared, desparate, suicidal even until i found the very famous poem “Footprints in the Sand”

In each scene I noticed footprints in the sand.
Sometimes there were two sets of footprints,
other times there were one set of footprints.
This bothered me because I noticed
that during the low periods of my life,
when I was suffering from
anguish, sorrow or defeat,
I could see only one set of footprints.
So I said to the Lord,
“You promised me Lord,
that if I followed you,
you would walk with me always.
But I have noticed that during
the most trying periods of my life
there have only been one
set of footprints in the sand.
Why, when I needed you most,
you have not been there for me?”
The Lord replied,
“The times when you have
seen only one set of footprints in the sand,
is when I carried you.”
-Mary Stevenson

This helped me understand my lonliness on my really bad days; it helped pull me through them as well.