Kevin S. Cohen

Kevin, 9 Years have passed since those selfish, crazy, inhumane bastards ripped you from this Earth.

9 Years of hoping and praying that when you left us it was sudden and without pain.

There is not a day that goes by that I don’t think about you, remember the fun times with everyone. For everyday I have a picture of you on my dresser that I look at when I get ready to go wherever it is I have to go, that you no longer can, sitting right next to a picture of the WTC that i took when I visited many years before I even knew you.

Once a year we are forced to relive the pain that those people caused far too many of us. Civilians, working to pay the bills, support their families, or feel that they have arrived when they looked out of those windows atop one of the largest buildings at that time, which you did. You were great a what you did, so many times helping me figure out what the problems were, when no one else was around and even though it wasn’t your job to do so. That was you though, always extending your hand out to others when they needed you. Always had your door open to welcome friends and family no matter the time, day or night.

Kevin, your death does not go in vain, we try everyday to fight for what they took and what they continually try to take from us, from their own people even. It does not make sense; your tragic exit from us does not make sense. 9-11, a day that doesn’t make sense.

Every year when the bell tolls the 1st time, it rings through me like ice, for that is when the plane took your life. The 4th toll is even colder because that is when your tower was nothing more than a mass grave.

We hoped, we prayed that you took the day off, or were out for a jog.. but like me, you were the early bird. Always starting the day when noone else was there because you can get more done that way, as i laugh.

Today i will not be laughing. I will be remembering you and those lost both civilian and military since this started.

May you eternally Rest In Peace Kevin.

Legacy.com tribute:

Friends Everywhere

When Kevin S. Cohen was 4, his family moved to a new house in Edison, N.J. Rather than being daunted by the move, little Kevin, the youngest of two boys, set out to make new friends. Soon, he was standing at his front door pointing to all the houses where he had made a friend.

“He would point with his little hands and say, ‘That’s my friend across the street, and that’s my friend from next door, and that’s my other friend from that house,’ ” said his mother, Marcia Cohen. “And then, he never changed. He was like a mother that way. You know how children leave home and then it’s the mother who brings them together year after year? Well, it was like that with my son. He had friends from all over. He was very compassionate, a lot of fun. He loved people, and people loved him back.”

On Aug. 17, Mr. Cohen, 28, who worked at Cantor Fitzgerald, took his parents to dinner at a fancy Italian restaurant to celebrate their 36th wedding anniversary. Mrs. Cohen was reluctant at first because she figured he would be tired on a Friday, after working all week. But he insisted.

“Kevin was so proud that he could take us to a nice place like that and take out his credit card and pay by himself,” Mrs. Cohen said. “He thought we had never been there before, but we had. We just didn’t tell him.”
Profile published in THE NEW YORK TIMES on November 24, 2001.

Kevin Cohen, 28, always on the go

Kevin Cohen loved to watch college and pro football — he always rooted for the underdog — and his favorite hobby was playing the keyboards in his New York City apartment, where the door was always open to friends.

Single, he possessed both boundless energy and a kind heart; he was the kind of guy who would call a friend’s mother, a widow, on Thanksgiving, and wish her well.

“I told him (recently), ‘Kevin, why don’t you slow down a bit?’ ” his mother, Marcia, of Edison, recalled. “He said, ‘Mom, I believe in living life to the fullest.’ “

Mr. Cohen, 28, a desktop support person for eSpeed, was working on the 101st floor of the World Trade Center‘s North Tower when the first hijacked airplane crashed into it on Sept. 11. His roommate, Scott Schertzer, 28, who worked for Cantor Fitzgerald, eSpeed’s parent company, was also among those lost.

Mr. Schertzer and Mr. Cohen attended J. P. Stevens High School in Edison together. Mr. Cohen went on to graduate from Western Oregon State College. He continued his studies in computers and became a Microsoft Certified Professional. Mr. Cohen then worked for Lucent Technologies before joining eSpeed a year and a half ago.

“He worked hard and played hard,” said Neil Cohen, his brother. “The guy was always on the go. He had more energy than anyone.”

“He had a great attitude,” Marcia Cohen said of her son. “Nothing got him down . . . He would call up and say, ‘Mom, I’m coming in and taking you out (for an anniversary or special occasion).’ It’s not like he was married and knew these things. He was single.’ “

Mr. Cohen loved to play and listen to music; his favorite groups were Widespread Panic and the Grateful Dead. In recent months, he had started exercising in earnest, running 5-8 miles a day, and was proud of the shape he was in.

Described by his mother as “always smiling, always happy-go-lucky,” Mr. Cohen wasn’t one to think much of or plan for the future.

“Kevin wasn’t the type of individual who made long-range plans,” said Barry Cohen, his father. “He lived day-to-day.”

Besides his parents and brother, Mr. Cohen is survived by his grandfather, Lou Nover of Manalapan.

Profile by Peter Genovese published in THE STAR-LEDGER.

Turning the Page

Funny how Life works.

Back in July I had a doctor appointment. Nothing of concern, just a “how ya doin, making sure your medications are ok and that you are ok” type of visit. That visit turned into me being pulled out of work and put on disability.

WOW

I wasn’t quite expecting that needless to say. I was thrust into intense therapy for the panic attacks. The first few weeks it was just talk therapywith the doc, I guess they do it to actually gauge the severity and what other things could be causing them.

Once she did her evaluation she thrust me into “exposure therapy”. MY GOODNESS! OK that sucks by the way, but it does help to a degree.

Doc initially took me out of work for 60 days. A couple of weeks prior to that cut-off not only was I worse, but I couldn’t foresee going back to work anytime soon. Now I had a decision to make; quit my perfectly great job working for a great company in this really crappy economy or have the doc extend my disability and continue with the exposure therapy.

He opted to extend me another 30 days, and I opted to continue my exposures. I was doing very well locally and on the nastiest highways in northern NJ.. Route 17, Route 4, even the Garden State Plaza Mall.. OMG! That would make a sane person go insane, imagine having panic disorder! I HAD to do it though, and I did do it. Was it tough? YES! Did I have a safety? OH YEAH! I have the greatest most understanding and patient husband around.

Then the mother of all exposures; she wanted me to make a mock trip to work, or to my Mom’s, which is about 1/2 way, and I had to do it alone.

Never happened.

I would get in the car and just sit there. I couldn’t do it. I was paralyzed. My panic levels would get so high I wanted to pass out. I sat there though just waiting for that feeling to subside, but it never did. Not until I got out of the car and put the thought of that exposure out of my mind.

After a few attempts of that during the course of the week, I had to make the decision. Quit my job or move back with Mom on a during-the-week basis so I could work. Yeah, I didn’t think the latter would be too healthy for my marriage, or me so I picked up the phone and called my boss and gave her the bad news.

It was very hard for me to make that call. Especially to someone I care about greatly. She was one of my Matrons-of-Honor at my wedding, she was there for me for all of my trials and tribulations, and she is a great friend, not just a boss. I am going to miss her tremendously.

But with the bad always comes the good; when God closes one door He opens another.

That afternoon I went on Careerbuilder.com, and for the hell of it posted my resume and filled out an application at a gym about 15 minutes away from my home. I didn’t care if I cleaned the bathrooms; I just needed to work, because I would never get a job in this economy doing what I was doing making the money I was making… so why not take the opportunity to position myself where I eventually want to be?

The next day the place I applied for called me for an interview. I went.. I saw.. I conquered. He hired me on the spot.

The only down side; because I don’t have my PT certification yet, I’m starting at the bottom, well almost. There is a new hire class coming up in a week or so so once I complete that I will be at level 2. So I’ll be making just a TINY bit more than a level 1. I have to get my certification quick so I can get back up to making what I was making and then some!

This isn’t going to be easy. In fact, I’m going to have to do a lot of self-improvement. Like selling etc. which I’m SO not good at! lol when someone says no I’m like “oh ok!” lol. I call it planting seeds… others call it giving up.

I’m not a quitter. I’m a fighter, and fighters win.

All I wanted was a full-time job and train others part-time to fulfill a need in me, and that was to help people get healthier. God has other plans I guess, and he needs me to do it on a full-time basis. Someone out there must need me!

Fighting to Find Your WHY

Your “why” is the something that motivates you, what motivates you is the fuel of your persistence.

Think back on all of the things you have accomplished in your life. College, job interviews, getting in shape, maybe an illness you overcame, a car you HAD to have, etc.

All of those things were or maybe ARE your why.

I can tell you what my why’s were and what they are now, briefly.

My first REAL why was getting a divorce from my now ex-husband. At the time (2003), I did what I had to do. I socked a way money every chance I got, I looked into half-way houses, ANYTHING to get me a way from him. As luck would have it, and God wanted it, my fate was at my Mom’s house and there I would stay for 7 years.

My next REAL why was getting better. In 2005 I had a massive chemical imbalance that was caused by both YEARS of stress and the wrong birth control pills. That why was to stay alive, which obviously I did.

Once I rebounded and was able to exist in the everyday, my next REAL why was to find my future husband so I can have a family of my own. I was persistent, I dealt with a lot of garbage, and spent many a night on the internet looking for “the one”. In November 2006 I found him, and I’m now married to him 3.5 years later.

The road leading to my marriage was an arduous one. I dealt with a lot of commuting, a lot of lonely weekends and weeknights, but the end result was something I struggled to get, and so far the reward is greater than the journey, but the journey is where I learned.

My point is, everything about your why is something you have to FIGHT for. It’s the power that gets you to stick through the grueling, arduous, boring & mundane.

Take New Years’ Resolutions for example; what is the ACTUAL percentage of people who stick to them? It’s not very high. In fact, according to surveys, only 8 percent of Americans successfully achieve their New Year’s resolutions so 92% are not kept. 80 percent of those who make New Year’s resolutions have failed by Jan. 20.

WOW! pretty scary if you think about it. Using that as a silly example, it still begs to question “Are YOU FIGHTING for YOUR WHY?”

What is your motivator? Love or hate? Love being something or someone you must have like a car, or your true love, or that dream job or house, or town you HAVE to live in. Hate being something you don’t want or can’t deal with or want to change like your health, your diet, your weight, your living situation, work situation, in my case it’s my commuting that I LOATHE.

I have found my fight as so many others have in the span of time like David had Goliath, The North had The South, The Republicans have the Democrats, Bush had 9/11, you get the point. Throughout the span of time there was always afight that kept that fire burning, a reason to have that fortitude that was needed to see it through to the very end no matter what.

Taken right from Darren Hardy’s ‘The Compund Effect’- ” Enemies give us a reason to stand tall with courage. Having to fight challenges your skills, your character, and your resolve. It forces you to asses and exercise your talents and abilities. Without a motivating fight, we can become fat and lazy; we lose our strength and purpose.“

My battle now is traffic and my panic attacks. I’ve had them for 7 years now. Though i am medicated to handle them to a degree, they still get out of my control once the brakes go on and stay on for miles. I need to beat this thing, but we (my husband and I) want to start a family. I cannot even THINK of starting one until I’m off of my current meds for 3 full months. Get the picture? As long as I’m commuting, I’m on meds, no family with meds.

With that being said, I have a choice to make. I need to change my job. In this economy however, it’s not really feasible, so I decided to take my life in the direction it should have started in the first place.. Fitness. Coaching for Beachbody has open the doors for me to finally follow my passion and that is motivating and helping others achieve their health and fitness goals. Running along side of my Beachbody career I have enrolled in NASM CPT courses that will start once I receive all of my course material next week. I’m hoping by the end of the year I will have my CPT and can finally stop this ridiculously expensive and stressful commute.

So mine is a double-edged why: love=fitness and family, hate=traffic /commute/panic attacks.

Ask yourself: who or what is your why?

As The Journey Continues

…I’m finding myself becoming more emotional.

It’s normal, I know, but it hit me hard last night when I was going through my stuff to pack. I found photo albums my Aunt gave to me from my childhood that had my baby photos with my Grandparents (now deceased).. I started to cry. lol I laugh now, but I was besides myself last night!

I looked around the room, the room I grew up in and left for about 10 years before I moved back home, all of the familiar things: the artwork, the pictures on the wall of my tribute to my now deceased friend Kevin c/o 9/11,  the photos I took of the towers when I was younger, my trip to Florida with the mustang club I took right before I met Kyle, the photo of my brother and I in Orlando on that same trip. Memories.. happy memories (minus the 9/11, but I will not forget, or allow myself too).

That started the internal movie projector to turn on and start running through all of the fun times I had with my friends after I moved back home . The time I spent as a first responder on the Rescue Squad, the bar hopping we all did, the football games my girl and I used to go to.. Saturday lunch trips to NYC on a whim.. Things I no longer do because life is different now. Friends have kids and families, the group isn’t as tight as it once was because of it.. ya know.. life stuff.. it’s all good, but I reminisce, and digress.

The emotions were very overwhelming to say the least. Then that feeling of fear came over me.. am I doing the right thing? is HE doing the right thing? the safety and comfort of my current life.. my room.. it’s like  HOME BASE. Whenever anything goes wrong I go there and everything else disappears. Sounds childish I know, but when you have been where I have been you need a familiar place to call “uncle” on life. I don’t answer to anyone there, I don’t have to tend to anyone there, OK so I have to put up with the dogs barking next door, but it lasts mere seconds compared to other stuff like the new commute to work, (OMG the thought makes me shiver). My workouts will be affected, at least at first until I can manage a routine for myself, barring traffic delays (which is inevitable), dinner won’t be ready for me after my workouts like it is now. I guess this is what they call growing up? Nah.. I’m grown-up, I just have the greatest Mom that likes to cook and cooks me dinner! I do dishes though, so don’t think I’m totally spoiled.

I think the Reverend was right; I am definitely going to need an adjustment period. I’m going from “Me” to having to share “Me”. It’s been 7 years since I’ve had to share myself.. 7 years! felt like yesterday, but still. The one good thing is that he works nights, so I will have plenty of ME time, I won’t get that feeling of instant suffocation once I move up there. In my opinion, this relationship is perfect ‘because’ of his job.. He’s not home every single minute I am, so on those nights that he’s working I can workout at my leisure and not have to worry about cooking for anyone but myself. Not that I mind cooking or anything, it’s just easier when I don’t have to worry about what kind of food-mood the other is in.

I’ll also have my dog with me, so that will help. It won’t just be me moving, I’ll have my baby-girl with me. My Matron-of-honor is also from my area, and she is now married and living a town over from where I will be. She hates it up there too because the people are just so damn messed up. No one is nice, it’s everyone for themselves, or everyone is in your business whether they should be or not, the traffic is horrendous, everything is closed on Sundays (WTF IS THAT!?).. the literal rat-race. So being up there with her will be comforting as well since her and I have the same personality that comes with central Jersey.. yes, it does exist.. it’s in between the rat-race and the laid back lifestyle of southern Jersey.

As you can see in my ramblings.. that fear of change is all too apparent. I’m nervous about how I will handle it, how our relationship will handle it.. it’s all a life progression I know, but like I said before if you are nervous about something that usually means you are making the right decision.

A Bit of Honesty

They say that if you aren’t nervous about something then it’s not the right decision.

I’m nervous.

In 17 days I will be married. This isn’t something I take lightly. It’s also something I have had a negative experience with with my ex-husband. Though I know in my body and soul that the two of them are NOTHING alike, I still have that nervousness.. that fear.

Ya see, though the X was no picnic prior to the wedding day, he also wasn’t the Dr. Jekyll Mr. Hyde that morphed from the wedding night on. I guess he felt that once the ring was on the finger it was ok to come out of the closet with his alcoholism full-bore. I was the wall he smashed into & I haven’t been the same since.

Though divorced since 2004, and in therapy since then, there are some residuals that aren’t going to go away over-night. Anxiety, is obviously one of them, since it’s now a big part of who I am. Insecurity is another, because of his lies, his actions, his infidelities. Fear, that this marriage will also fail.

In session with the Reverend, he mentioned that this would become an issue eventually. Be it right away or down the road, these types of events and emotions do not just “go-away”; especially since my Fiancè and I do not cohabitate. I sat in session thinking to myself that I was passed all of that, but apparently I’m not. If I was I wouldn’t be feeling the way I do now. I would instead be excited and elated and on cloud 9! (though I am, there is the under-lying that I am speaking about).

According to the Reverend, my Fiancees “job” is to just see me through it and understand that it’s not personal and not a reflection of him, I am just reacting to a past behavior. Now, had I not been in therapy I would think it’s total BS, but it’s not. He’s right. None of this falls on my Fiancè, it’s my issue, he just needs to be my support while I go through it. In my pre-therapy days I would think it’s HIS fault that I feel the way I do. That HE’S not loving me properly or what-have-you. No, such is not the case.

My job now is to try to relate my feelings to what I have gone through, not what I’m going to go through. That transition and awareness is very hard, especially once life starts moving full-speed-ahead again; right now we are in the pre-wedding holding pattern. Once the honeymoon and dopamine rush is finished is when my awareness will have to be on point. I think we will have to have a code word or something lol.

Who knows though, this could all be pre-wedding jitters. I never thought I would experience it, but I guess I am in a minor way not related to “our” relationship per se.

The Panic Attack Saga Continues...

Well it happened..

A panic attack..

I don’t know what triggered it, why it triggered it, how it triggered it, but it happened – 4 times on Saturday. You can imagine how upset I am about this, if you have ever been unfortunate enough to have one. If you haven’t, consider yourself lucky.

Typically when it happens I’m stuck in traffic. That’s my main trigger, my next trigger are loud confined busy places. If I’m in one of those situations it’s almost guaranteed to happen, so I prepare for it, but this time I had no warning.

This day I was traveling down to Freehold for my hair trail for my wedding day. I knew where I was going, thanks to Google Maps “street view” and my GPS, and I’m familiar with the Freehold/Route 18/Route 537 area. I was making REALLY good time despite the distance I had to travel. It was a gorgeous day too.. highway driving with the sun roof open what could be better?!

I did a time check and I was a good 30 minutes early so I decided to stop at the WAWA on Route 18 and relax and stretch my legs before continuing with the next 10 minutes. I was facebooking via my blackberry and just people watching when it started.. The tingle.. the one that feels like your skin is crawling, you get REAL hot, and almost dizzy, the stomach shifts and well.. it’s time to get moving.

I started back on the road and arrived at my destination 15 minutes early. Screw it, I said, it’s only 15 minutes. I ran the door bell, her sister got me situated in the salon area of the house and I was chilling out with her 2 yr old son looking at his finger paintings when it started to come on again. I ran to the bathroom, got sick, got HOT, so I put both my wrists under ice-cold water and WANTED to lay down on the ice-cold tile floors, but hey I didn’t’ think I should do that in someone’s house lol.

Upon exiting the bathroom I told her sister that I was not feeling OK.. I didn’t want to make anyone nervous, but I had to inform her God-forbid I pass out.. When my hair stylist arrived we made her aware of what was going on, and the cool thing about her was .. SHE’S COOL! she grew up one town over from me, and is married to someone I “should” know (I just haven’t checked my yearbook yet lol) so it helped having someone with whom I had something in common to keep my mind preoccupied. My Matron-of-honor, Jess, finally made it (traffic sucks in NJ) and again, more conversation led to killing the 2nd attack.

Afterward, Jess and I headed to Outback for some salad.. well that ride proved to be the start of attack #3. WHY!!?! I’m on Route 9! I know where I am, I’m with someone I know.. WHY!!!!? I now have no appetite, so I ordered the house salad, plain with nothing in it and an ice-cold class of water oh and the check. We bolted out once we were done and I headed to my house to show my mom my hair. We made a couple of tweaks and viola! I think I have my hair for the day!

I spent some time at home just chilling out and getting my nerves down, left around 730pm to head back up north. Playing it safe, I took 287 to avoid any possible jams on the parkway. I got up to Bridgewater and well, I didn’t quite feel good again, but it didn’t make it to panic stage, thankfully.

It’s now Monday.. I’m wiped out. Yesterday I slept all day, had a massive headache, and just had no desire to do anything. My emotions were so high I cried a lot just to release the pressure. Of course, the brain is going a mile a minute trying to put the puzzle together. What caused it, and why? and will it happen on my big day? on the plane? in Aruba-AGAIN?

People that do not suffer from panic attacks do not understand the thought process that happens after an attack, or multiple attacks. You can easily say “don’t think about it”, but that’s not possible, unfortunately. This is the scariest thing that can happen to someone, and I wouldn’t wish this on my worst enemy. What’s even worse is when it happens when you are alone, it just exasperates it because you are scared something will happen to you and you won’t be able to get help or your loved ones are way too far away to help you.

So if you are ever in public (airports and planes are real good place to witness attacks) and someone starts acting frantic or nervous, you might just need to take a moment and instead of laughing at that person, try and understand, help, or sympathize with them.. it helps knowing someone is helping and not laughing at you. If it had a switch we would all just turn them off and go about our daily lives, but that switch doesn’t exist.

Starting a New Chapter or a New Book?

From my NJFITCLUB blog

 Some people start new chapters.. I’m starting a new book!

When I look back on my life I often wonder how I got to the place I am now.

My past isn’t a great one, it’s not a horribly bad one either. I made bad decisions, I made good decisions, and I even made great decisions believe it or not! but haven’t we all?

In the last 244 days I have embarked on a body and mind, and inevitably a lifestyle transformation. With this transformation came opportunities that I never knew I would have. One being a part of a great organization called Beachbody, and becoming a coach for them. You really have no idea how awesome it is to be a part of something greater than myself, and that is helping people transform themselves physically and, as a result, mentally. Second, being a part of an awesome group of coaches that support and inspire each other to be better every day. I have well over a 1000 person support group that keep me up beat and going strong in my workout routine and to help others with theirs. My clients are even my support group because when I have little focus on myself I focus on them and that keeps me going.

At the end of May my life will change from my living coordinates to my living status, I have decided that I want to become a physical trainer part-time. Because my soon-to-be husband works every other weekend and some nights, I thought it would be good to do this on the nights he’s working so I’m not feeling the loneliness. My family and friends live down by me so it’s not as though I can just hop in the car and visit. (Unless I do it on my way home from work).

When I get married, in less than 60 days, I will be a wife, a daughter-in-law, a commuter, and a mother (within the next year God willing), a Beachbody coach, an Avon Rep, and a part-time personal trainer. Compared to now where I’m just a Fiancè, Beachbody Coach, Avon rep, full-time employee; living my days according to my guidelines on my time. As busy as I am, I’m not quite as busy as I will be, and I can’t wait.

Tara never just does little things one at a time.. she does grand things all at once! So while most people turn the pages; I return the book to the library and start another one entirely. And the reason I can do this is because of this awesome support group I have from my soon-to-be husband, family and close friends, to my wide and vast Beachbody coaching network.