Turning the Page

Funny how Life works.

Back in July I had a doctor appointment. Nothing of concern, just a “how ya doin, making sure your medications are ok and that you are ok” type of visit. That visit turned into me being pulled out of work and put on disability.

WOW

I wasn’t quite expecting that needless to say. I was thrust into intense therapy for the panic attacks. The first few weeks it was just talk therapywith the doc, I guess they do it to actually gauge the severity and what other things could be causing them.

Once she did her evaluation she thrust me into “exposure therapy”. MY GOODNESS! OK that sucks by the way, but it does help to a degree.

Doc initially took me out of work for 60 days. A couple of weeks prior to that cut-off not only was I worse, but I couldn’t foresee going back to work anytime soon. Now I had a decision to make; quit my perfectly great job working for a great company in this really crappy economy or have the doc extend my disability and continue with the exposure therapy.

He opted to extend me another 30 days, and I opted to continue my exposures. I was doing very well locally and on the nastiest highways in northern NJ.. Route 17, Route 4, even the Garden State Plaza Mall.. OMG! That would make a sane person go insane, imagine having panic disorder! I HAD to do it though, and I did do it. Was it tough? YES! Did I have a safety? OH YEAH! I have the greatest most understanding and patient husband around.

Then the mother of all exposures; she wanted me to make a mock trip to work, or to my Mom’s, which is about 1/2 way, and I had to do it alone.

Never happened.

I would get in the car and just sit there. I couldn’t do it. I was paralyzed. My panic levels would get so high I wanted to pass out. I sat there though just waiting for that feeling to subside, but it never did. Not until I got out of the car and put the thought of that exposure out of my mind.

After a few attempts of that during the course of the week, I had to make the decision. Quit my job or move back with Mom on a during-the-week basis so I could work. Yeah, I didn’t think the latter would be too healthy for my marriage, or me so I picked up the phone and called my boss and gave her the bad news.

It was very hard for me to make that call. Especially to someone I care about greatly. She was one of my Matrons-of-Honor at my wedding, she was there for me for all of my trials and tribulations, and she is a great friend, not just a boss. I am going to miss her tremendously.

But with the bad always comes the good; when God closes one door He opens another.

That afternoon I went on Careerbuilder.com, and for the hell of it posted my resume and filled out an application at a gym about 15 minutes away from my home. I didn’t care if I cleaned the bathrooms; I just needed to work, because I would never get a job in this economy doing what I was doing making the money I was making… so why not take the opportunity to position myself where I eventually want to be?

The next day the place I applied for called me for an interview. I went.. I saw.. I conquered. He hired me on the spot.

The only down side; because I don’t have my PT certification yet, I’m starting at the bottom, well almost. There is a new hire class coming up in a week or so so once I complete that I will be at level 2. So I’ll be making just a TINY bit more than a level 1. I have to get my certification quick so I can get back up to making what I was making and then some!

This isn’t going to be easy. In fact, I’m going to have to do a lot of self-improvement. Like selling etc. which I’m SO not good at! lol when someone says no I’m like “oh ok!” lol. I call it planting seeds… others call it giving up.

I’m not a quitter. I’m a fighter, and fighters win.

All I wanted was a full-time job and train others part-time to fulfill a need in me, and that was to help people get healthier. God has other plans I guess, and he needs me to do it on a full-time basis. Someone out there must need me!

As The Journey Continues

…I’m finding myself becoming more emotional.

It’s normal, I know, but it hit me hard last night when I was going through my stuff to pack. I found photo albums my Aunt gave to me from my childhood that had my baby photos with my Grandparents (now deceased).. I started to cry. lol I laugh now, but I was besides myself last night!

I looked around the room, the room I grew up in and left for about 10 years before I moved back home, all of the familiar things: the artwork, the pictures on the wall of my tribute to my now deceased friend Kevin c/o 9/11,  the photos I took of the towers when I was younger, my trip to Florida with the mustang club I took right before I met Kyle, the photo of my brother and I in Orlando on that same trip. Memories.. happy memories (minus the 9/11, but I will not forget, or allow myself too).

That started the internal movie projector to turn on and start running through all of the fun times I had with my friends after I moved back home . The time I spent as a first responder on the Rescue Squad, the bar hopping we all did, the football games my girl and I used to go to.. Saturday lunch trips to NYC on a whim.. Things I no longer do because life is different now. Friends have kids and families, the group isn’t as tight as it once was because of it.. ya know.. life stuff.. it’s all good, but I reminisce, and digress.

The emotions were very overwhelming to say the least. Then that feeling of fear came over me.. am I doing the right thing? is HE doing the right thing? the safety and comfort of my current life.. my room.. it’s like  HOME BASE. Whenever anything goes wrong I go there and everything else disappears. Sounds childish I know, but when you have been where I have been you need a familiar place to call “uncle” on life. I don’t answer to anyone there, I don’t have to tend to anyone there, OK so I have to put up with the dogs barking next door, but it lasts mere seconds compared to other stuff like the new commute to work, (OMG the thought makes me shiver). My workouts will be affected, at least at first until I can manage a routine for myself, barring traffic delays (which is inevitable), dinner won’t be ready for me after my workouts like it is now. I guess this is what they call growing up? Nah.. I’m grown-up, I just have the greatest Mom that likes to cook and cooks me dinner! I do dishes though, so don’t think I’m totally spoiled.

I think the Reverend was right; I am definitely going to need an adjustment period. I’m going from “Me” to having to share “Me”. It’s been 7 years since I’ve had to share myself.. 7 years! felt like yesterday, but still. The one good thing is that he works nights, so I will have plenty of ME time, I won’t get that feeling of instant suffocation once I move up there. In my opinion, this relationship is perfect ‘because’ of his job.. He’s not home every single minute I am, so on those nights that he’s working I can workout at my leisure and not have to worry about cooking for anyone but myself. Not that I mind cooking or anything, it’s just easier when I don’t have to worry about what kind of food-mood the other is in.

I’ll also have my dog with me, so that will help. It won’t just be me moving, I’ll have my baby-girl with me. My Matron-of-honor is also from my area, and she is now married and living a town over from where I will be. She hates it up there too because the people are just so damn messed up. No one is nice, it’s everyone for themselves, or everyone is in your business whether they should be or not, the traffic is horrendous, everything is closed on Sundays (WTF IS THAT!?).. the literal rat-race. So being up there with her will be comforting as well since her and I have the same personality that comes with central Jersey.. yes, it does exist.. it’s in between the rat-race and the laid back lifestyle of southern Jersey.

As you can see in my ramblings.. that fear of change is all too apparent. I’m nervous about how I will handle it, how our relationship will handle it.. it’s all a life progression I know, but like I said before if you are nervous about something that usually means you are making the right decision.

Strength in Tragedy

Late last night my phone rang, it was my Mother, crying hysterically on the other end.

She had gone out with her lady friends for their monthly ladies dinner, and when she got home the waterworks started and didn’t stop. So she called me.

Not sure if you remember, but her Fiance (Ken Baker) passed away back in August. She was doing very well for a little while, but lately it’s becoming harder and harder for her to deal with his passing, understandably.

The ladies had gone to one of Mom and Ken’s favorite restaurants and more than 1/2 of the 14 of them ordered Chilean Sea Bass, his favorite. All of that just brought back the emotions i guess, but she managed to keep it together until she was on her way home, and that’s when it all really hit her.

Trying to talk to her on the phone last night was very difficult for me. I wanted to just bust out crying because i could hear the pain she was in. The ony thing i could do was offer her the support and pass on the knowledge i gained from when i was in therapy years ago.  Ironically, everything i was offering to her her temporary counselor had already spoke to her about. (I should charge for this! lol)

Suffering the sudden loss of a loved one is, i guess you can say, is a form of PTSD, Post Traumatic Stress Disorder. It can take up to 2 years, and longer in some cases, to deal with something of this magnitude. It did for me when i went through my situation back in 2005.

I went through psychological counseling and it was 4 years later that i started medication to help with the physical after effects of the stress. I feel great now. I love both of my doctors and the knowledge i gain from them is what is helping me deal with my Mother now.

Everything happens for a reason i do believe, as previously stated in other posts. Had i not gotten sick 4 years ago i would never be able to assist my Mother now in what she’s going through. Did it suck back then? Oh yeah, it felt like death was around the corner at every moment. But i fought and i beat it and i’m am an insanely stonger person for it.

Mom, everything will be ok. It sucks right now, but it will get better i promise. If it didn’t i wouldn’t be hear right now.

Reading or Listening

Books have long been a tool to learn, to lose yourself, or to grow yourself.

I love to read, and I’d rather read a book than watch TV sometimes. My favorite place to read is in the backyard, on the deck with a nice cool beverage (or hot coffee depending on the season). It’s quiet, (for the most part), and relaxing. The sounds of nature distract your brain from drifting (which mine has the tendency to do, especially when it’s a very good book).

Normally i read books that pertain to self help, in thought and in my relationships with others, crime books, decorating and design, and more recently wedding planning. Though, with my most recent purchase still due to arrive, I decided to change it up a bit this time. I ordered “The Shack” on audio book.

I believe that you are directed down a certain path for a reason. I believe there are signs that lead you to that path. Those signs can be either bold and in your face, or subtle and discreet.  I’m not a water-walker by any means, but i do have a God and i believe he’s there to help me be a better person.

Last Sunday’s church handout had a plethora of information regarding programs that are about to start or have recently started for those that want to enrich themselves or the lives of others. One that particularly caught my attention was the book/reading club. the book they are discussing now is “The Shack”. My curiosity has been peaked enough for me to Google this book to find out more about it.  I have no current plans on joining the book club though, but i have now found a good resource to introduce me to books i would not have come across otherwise.

What i found was a website dedicated solely to this book which offered a preview of the Forward and the entire first chapter. I didn’t want to put it down, err rather close the screen. So to amazon i went and i purchased the audio book.

I think what led me to making that decision was the fact that the book does not come in hard cover. I like hard cover books better than paperback. They last longer, and they look better on the shelves of the library i am in the process of creating.

I’m excited about my purchase and i can not wait to receive it. It will become good listening material on my long commutes to my FH’s house on Fridays while i’m sitting in traffic.