Funny how Life works.
Back in July I had a doctor appointment. Nothing of concern, just a “how ya doin, making sure your medications are ok and that you are ok” type of visit. That visit turned into me being pulled out of work and put on disability.
WOW
I wasn’t quite expecting that needless to say. I was thrust into intense therapy for the panic attacks. The first few weeks it was just talk therapywith the doc, I guess they do it to actually gauge the severity and what other things could be causing them.
Once she did her evaluation she thrust me into “exposure therapy”. MY GOODNESS! OK that sucks by the way, but it does help to a degree.
Doc initially took me out of work for 60 days. A couple of weeks prior to that cut-off not only was I worse, but I couldn’t foresee going back to work anytime soon. Now I had a decision to make; quit my perfectly great job working for a great company in this really crappy economy or have the doc extend my disability and continue with the exposure therapy.
He opted to extend me another 30 days, and I opted to continue my exposures. I was doing very well locally and on the nastiest highways in northern NJ.. Route 17, Route 4, even the Garden State Plaza Mall.. OMG! That would make a sane person go insane, imagine having panic disorder! I HAD to do it though, and I did do it. Was it tough? YES! Did I have a safety? OH YEAH! I have the greatest most understanding and patient husband around.
Then the mother of all exposures; she wanted me to make a mock trip to work, or to my Mom’s, which is about 1/2 way, and I had to do it alone.
Never happened.
I would get in the car and just sit there. I couldn’t do it. I was paralyzed. My panic levels would get so high I wanted to pass out. I sat there though just waiting for that feeling to subside, but it never did. Not until I got out of the car and put the thought of that exposure out of my mind.
After a few attempts of that during the course of the week, I had to make the decision. Quit my job or move back with Mom on a during-the-week basis so I could work. Yeah, I didn’t think the latter would be too healthy for my marriage, or me so I picked up the phone and called my boss and gave her the bad news.
It was very hard for me to make that call. Especially to someone I care about greatly. She was one of my Matrons-of-Honor at my wedding, she was there for me for all of my trials and tribulations, and she is a great friend, not just a boss. I am going to miss her tremendously.
That afternoon I went on Careerbuilder.com, and for the hell of it posted my resume and filled out an application at a gym about 15 minutes away from my home. I didn’t care if I cleaned the bathrooms; I just needed to work, because I would never get a job in this economy doing what I was doing making the money I was making… so why not take the opportunity to position myself where I eventually want to be?
The next day the place I applied for called me for an interview. I went.. I saw.. I conquered. He hired me on the spot.
The only down side; because I don’t have my PT certification yet, I’m starting at the bottom, well almost. There is a new hire class coming up in a week or so so once I complete that I will be at level 2. So I’ll be making just a TINY bit more than a level 1. I have to get my certification quick so I can get back up to making what I was making and then some!
This isn’t going to be easy. In fact, I’m going to have to do a lot of self-improvement. Like selling etc. which I’m SO not good at! lol when someone says no I’m like “oh ok!” lol. I call it planting seeds… others call it giving up.
I’m not a quitter. I’m a fighter, and fighters win.
All I wanted was a full-time job and train others part-time to fulfill a need in me, and that was to help people get healthier. God has other plans I guess, and he needs me to do it on a full-time basis. Someone out there must need me!
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