Respect in Death

Today my Grandmother passed away. This would be my Mom’s Mom and the final Grandparent to pass.

My Grandmother and i weren’t very close. As a child we were, but as the years went by and her personality was understood by the adult me i didn’t really want to be around her that much.

I love my Grandmother don’t get me wrong, but i just couldn’t be near her without getting angry. As with all toxic things in life you just kind of stop being near them for your own sanity. Doesn’t mean i disliked her, i just disliked how she treated and manipulated people.

It really started with the death of her husband, my Grandfather, a man that i loved and adored more than anything in this world besides my own Father. I was very close to him, he taught me how to spell when we would go pick my Grandmother up from work. Foodtown was the first word i spelled; it was on the trucks in the lot next door to where she worked. He taught me how to play tic-tac-toe. He took me for walks passed the Edison Lighthouse to the statue that overlooked the train tracks so we could watch the trains together. He took me fishing when i was just a tiny child. I caught trout and sunnies! I had so many wonderful memories of my Grandfather.

When he became ill with dimensia it broke my heart. He didn’t know who i was anymore. When i would come over to have dinner with them he would refer to me as his daughter’s name (my Mom). I wouldn’t show how upset i was, but when i left i would cry my eyes out. It just pained me to see him dying slowly, and my Grandmother talking down to him like he could help his condition. That’s when it started for me; when i started to look at her differently.

When my Grandfather passed away on January 2, 2004 it broke my heart. What ripped my heart out was how his death was handled by my Grandmother. She basically threw him out with the trash. No service, no wake, no nothing.. she just cremated him. Didn’t tell us Grand children so we can pay our final respects no nothing. That is when the resentment started.

I tried to understand why she did it, pain, sorrow, anger, but it never made sense to me. When the weather warmed we (my Aunt and us Grandchildren) decided to allow his ashes to drift into the waters of the park in which he served as a park attendant before he retired. The park that he took me to to fish for the first time, the park we used to feed the ducks at, the park that i now walk in after work to feel close to him and meditate to him when life gets a little hard.

I still have a tiny bit of his remains in the receptacle in which they put him after cremation. He sits above my computer desk watching over me. I will never discard of him like my Grandmother did.

Since his passing, my Grandmother sold their home and moved into an assisted living facility where she would remain until she had to go to Hospice about a month ago, where she died today.

During her stay there she managed to manipulate her own daughter on too many occasions to count when she would need to travel across country to see HER daughter at college. So many times i had to check on her on my Aunt’s behalf because my G-ma would claim she was too ill for her to leave.. I would get there and she would be completely fine. That’s when i stopped visiting all together.

Eventually the phone calls would die down too because when i did call she would bust my chops and manipulate me and make me feel guilty for not calling more often. I wanted to, but she would make me so angry with all of the past manipulations with everyone else. As my Mother taught me, if you have nothing nice to say; don’t say anything at all.

That is where i left things with her until she went into the hospital a couple of months ago. I put all my anger and grudges aside to see her since we knew it wasn’t going to be long now.

In that time though, my Mom’s Fiance’ passed away suddenly, and i was left with the task of helping my Mother through her dark time. My Grandmother had a stroke anyway and couldn’t remember who i was, so as guilty as i felt i didn’t lose sleep at night because i didn’t come see her while she was at Hospice. My mom was my concern, and still is.

When the e-mail finally came from my Aunt today i really had no emotion. I’m not sad, i’m not happy, i’m not angry. I guess you could say i’m relieved that she is no longer suffering in her hell here on Earth, and that God accepts her into his world.

Goodbye Grandma. May you rest in peace finally. I’m sorry i didn’t visit you after your move to Hospice, but I will see you at the ceremony, say hi to Grandpa for me.