As The Journey Continues

…I’m finding myself becoming more emotional.

It’s normal, I know, but it hit me hard last night when I was going through my stuff to pack. I found photo albums my Aunt gave to me from my childhood that had my baby photos with my Grandparents (now deceased).. I started to cry. lol I laugh now, but I was besides myself last night!

I looked around the room, the room I grew up in and left for about 10 years before I moved back home, all of the familiar things: the artwork, the pictures on the wall of my tribute to my now deceased friend Kevin c/o 9/11,  the photos I took of the towers when I was younger, my trip to Florida with the mustang club I took right before I met Kyle, the photo of my brother and I in Orlando on that same trip. Memories.. happy memories (minus the 9/11, but I will not forget, or allow myself too).

That started the internal movie projector to turn on and start running through all of the fun times I had with my friends after I moved back home . The time I spent as a first responder on the Rescue Squad, the bar hopping we all did, the football games my girl and I used to go to.. Saturday lunch trips to NYC on a whim.. Things I no longer do because life is different now. Friends have kids and families, the group isn’t as tight as it once was because of it.. ya know.. life stuff.. it’s all good, but I reminisce, and digress.

The emotions were very overwhelming to say the least. Then that feeling of fear came over me.. am I doing the right thing? is HE doing the right thing? the safety and comfort of my current life.. my room.. it’s like  HOME BASE. Whenever anything goes wrong I go there and everything else disappears. Sounds childish I know, but when you have been where I have been you need a familiar place to call “uncle” on life. I don’t answer to anyone there, I don’t have to tend to anyone there, OK so I have to put up with the dogs barking next door, but it lasts mere seconds compared to other stuff like the new commute to work, (OMG the thought makes me shiver). My workouts will be affected, at least at first until I can manage a routine for myself, barring traffic delays (which is inevitable), dinner won’t be ready for me after my workouts like it is now. I guess this is what they call growing up? Nah.. I’m grown-up, I just have the greatest Mom that likes to cook and cooks me dinner! I do dishes though, so don’t think I’m totally spoiled.

I think the Reverend was right; I am definitely going to need an adjustment period. I’m going from “Me” to having to share “Me”. It’s been 7 years since I’ve had to share myself.. 7 years! felt like yesterday, but still. The one good thing is that he works nights, so I will have plenty of ME time, I won’t get that feeling of instant suffocation once I move up there. In my opinion, this relationship is perfect ‘because’ of his job.. He’s not home every single minute I am, so on those nights that he’s working I can workout at my leisure and not have to worry about cooking for anyone but myself. Not that I mind cooking or anything, it’s just easier when I don’t have to worry about what kind of food-mood the other is in.

I’ll also have my dog with me, so that will help. It won’t just be me moving, I’ll have my baby-girl with me. My Matron-of-honor is also from my area, and she is now married and living a town over from where I will be. She hates it up there too because the people are just so damn messed up. No one is nice, it’s everyone for themselves, or everyone is in your business whether they should be or not, the traffic is horrendous, everything is closed on Sundays (WTF IS THAT!?).. the literal rat-race. So being up there with her will be comforting as well since her and I have the same personality that comes with central Jersey.. yes, it does exist.. it’s in between the rat-race and the laid back lifestyle of southern Jersey.

As you can see in my ramblings.. that fear of change is all too apparent. I’m nervous about how I will handle it, how our relationship will handle it.. it’s all a life progression I know, but like I said before if you are nervous about something that usually means you are making the right decision.

A Bit of Honesty

They say that if you aren’t nervous about something then it’s not the right decision.

I’m nervous.

In 17 days I will be married. This isn’t something I take lightly. It’s also something I have had a negative experience with with my ex-husband. Though I know in my body and soul that the two of them are NOTHING alike, I still have that nervousness.. that fear.

Ya see, though the X was no picnic prior to the wedding day, he also wasn’t the Dr. Jekyll Mr. Hyde that morphed from the wedding night on. I guess he felt that once the ring was on the finger it was ok to come out of the closet with his alcoholism full-bore. I was the wall he smashed into & I haven’t been the same since.

Though divorced since 2004, and in therapy since then, there are some residuals that aren’t going to go away over-night. Anxiety, is obviously one of them, since it’s now a big part of who I am. Insecurity is another, because of his lies, his actions, his infidelities. Fear, that this marriage will also fail.

In session with the Reverend, he mentioned that this would become an issue eventually. Be it right away or down the road, these types of events and emotions do not just “go-away”; especially since my Fiancè and I do not cohabitate. I sat in session thinking to myself that I was passed all of that, but apparently I’m not. If I was I wouldn’t be feeling the way I do now. I would instead be excited and elated and on cloud 9! (though I am, there is the under-lying that I am speaking about).

According to the Reverend, my Fiancees “job” is to just see me through it and understand that it’s not personal and not a reflection of him, I am just reacting to a past behavior. Now, had I not been in therapy I would think it’s total BS, but it’s not. He’s right. None of this falls on my Fiancè, it’s my issue, he just needs to be my support while I go through it. In my pre-therapy days I would think it’s HIS fault that I feel the way I do. That HE’S not loving me properly or what-have-you. No, such is not the case.

My job now is to try to relate my feelings to what I have gone through, not what I’m going to go through. That transition and awareness is very hard, especially once life starts moving full-speed-ahead again; right now we are in the pre-wedding holding pattern. Once the honeymoon and dopamine rush is finished is when my awareness will have to be on point. I think we will have to have a code word or something lol.

Who knows though, this could all be pre-wedding jitters. I never thought I would experience it, but I guess I am in a minor way not related to “our” relationship per se.

The Panic Attack Saga Continues...

Well it happened..

A panic attack..

I don’t know what triggered it, why it triggered it, how it triggered it, but it happened – 4 times on Saturday. You can imagine how upset I am about this, if you have ever been unfortunate enough to have one. If you haven’t, consider yourself lucky.

Typically when it happens I’m stuck in traffic. That’s my main trigger, my next trigger are loud confined busy places. If I’m in one of those situations it’s almost guaranteed to happen, so I prepare for it, but this time I had no warning.

This day I was traveling down to Freehold for my hair trail for my wedding day. I knew where I was going, thanks to Google Maps “street view” and my GPS, and I’m familiar with the Freehold/Route 18/Route 537 area. I was making REALLY good time despite the distance I had to travel. It was a gorgeous day too.. highway driving with the sun roof open what could be better?!

I did a time check and I was a good 30 minutes early so I decided to stop at the WAWA on Route 18 and relax and stretch my legs before continuing with the next 10 minutes. I was facebooking via my blackberry and just people watching when it started.. The tingle.. the one that feels like your skin is crawling, you get REAL hot, and almost dizzy, the stomach shifts and well.. it’s time to get moving.

I started back on the road and arrived at my destination 15 minutes early. Screw it, I said, it’s only 15 minutes. I ran the door bell, her sister got me situated in the salon area of the house and I was chilling out with her 2 yr old son looking at his finger paintings when it started to come on again. I ran to the bathroom, got sick, got HOT, so I put both my wrists under ice-cold water and WANTED to lay down on the ice-cold tile floors, but hey I didn’t’ think I should do that in someone’s house lol.

Upon exiting the bathroom I told her sister that I was not feeling OK.. I didn’t want to make anyone nervous, but I had to inform her God-forbid I pass out.. When my hair stylist arrived we made her aware of what was going on, and the cool thing about her was .. SHE’S COOL! she grew up one town over from me, and is married to someone I “should” know (I just haven’t checked my yearbook yet lol) so it helped having someone with whom I had something in common to keep my mind preoccupied. My Matron-of-honor, Jess, finally made it (traffic sucks in NJ) and again, more conversation led to killing the 2nd attack.

Afterward, Jess and I headed to Outback for some salad.. well that ride proved to be the start of attack #3. WHY!!?! I’m on Route 9! I know where I am, I’m with someone I know.. WHY!!!!? I now have no appetite, so I ordered the house salad, plain with nothing in it and an ice-cold class of water oh and the check. We bolted out once we were done and I headed to my house to show my mom my hair. We made a couple of tweaks and viola! I think I have my hair for the day!

I spent some time at home just chilling out and getting my nerves down, left around 730pm to head back up north. Playing it safe, I took 287 to avoid any possible jams on the parkway. I got up to Bridgewater and well, I didn’t quite feel good again, but it didn’t make it to panic stage, thankfully.

It’s now Monday.. I’m wiped out. Yesterday I slept all day, had a massive headache, and just had no desire to do anything. My emotions were so high I cried a lot just to release the pressure. Of course, the brain is going a mile a minute trying to put the puzzle together. What caused it, and why? and will it happen on my big day? on the plane? in Aruba-AGAIN?

People that do not suffer from panic attacks do not understand the thought process that happens after an attack, or multiple attacks. You can easily say “don’t think about it”, but that’s not possible, unfortunately. This is the scariest thing that can happen to someone, and I wouldn’t wish this on my worst enemy. What’s even worse is when it happens when you are alone, it just exasperates it because you are scared something will happen to you and you won’t be able to get help or your loved ones are way too far away to help you.

So if you are ever in public (airports and planes are real good place to witness attacks) and someone starts acting frantic or nervous, you might just need to take a moment and instead of laughing at that person, try and understand, help, or sympathize with them.. it helps knowing someone is helping and not laughing at you. If it had a switch we would all just turn them off and go about our daily lives, but that switch doesn’t exist.

Starting a New Chapter or a New Book?

From my NJFITCLUB blog

 Some people start new chapters.. I’m starting a new book!

When I look back on my life I often wonder how I got to the place I am now.

My past isn’t a great one, it’s not a horribly bad one either. I made bad decisions, I made good decisions, and I even made great decisions believe it or not! but haven’t we all?

In the last 244 days I have embarked on a body and mind, and inevitably a lifestyle transformation. With this transformation came opportunities that I never knew I would have. One being a part of a great organization called Beachbody, and becoming a coach for them. You really have no idea how awesome it is to be a part of something greater than myself, and that is helping people transform themselves physically and, as a result, mentally. Second, being a part of an awesome group of coaches that support and inspire each other to be better every day. I have well over a 1000 person support group that keep me up beat and going strong in my workout routine and to help others with theirs. My clients are even my support group because when I have little focus on myself I focus on them and that keeps me going.

At the end of May my life will change from my living coordinates to my living status, I have decided that I want to become a physical trainer part-time. Because my soon-to-be husband works every other weekend and some nights, I thought it would be good to do this on the nights he’s working so I’m not feeling the loneliness. My family and friends live down by me so it’s not as though I can just hop in the car and visit. (Unless I do it on my way home from work).

When I get married, in less than 60 days, I will be a wife, a daughter-in-law, a commuter, and a mother (within the next year God willing), a Beachbody coach, an Avon Rep, and a part-time personal trainer. Compared to now where I’m just a Fiancè, Beachbody Coach, Avon rep, full-time employee; living my days according to my guidelines on my time. As busy as I am, I’m not quite as busy as I will be, and I can’t wait.

Tara never just does little things one at a time.. she does grand things all at once! So while most people turn the pages; I return the book to the library and start another one entirely. And the reason I can do this is because of this awesome support group I have from my soon-to-be husband, family and close friends, to my wide and vast Beachbody coaching network.

Act, Dream, Plan, Believe

By John Cusworth
“To accomplish great things, we must not only act, but also dream; not only plan, but also believe.” – Anatole France

Most people wish to achieve things in their life. However unless you take action (in other words you actually do something), there is no way that anything – no matter how small or insignificant – can be achieved. The size of the task you set out to achieve may be large or small – but unless you dream big, it is unlikely to be a significant or challenging goal. The dreaming allows you to imagine places you have never been, things you have never done and outcomes you would never rationally think possible.

If you have dreamed and set a goal to attain that dream, it is unlikely that you will ever achieve it unless you plan out a series of small, do-able steps to make progress towards your goal. Otherwise you will be frittering away your time going around in circles, only making progress by chance.

Finally, in order to follow the plan towards your goal persistently and enthusiastically, you must believe that you are capable of eventually progressing through the steps and accomplishing your goal. Without belief you will be easily discouraged by the first signs of difficulty or failure and quite likely give up.

Therefore “To accomplish great things, we must not only act, but also dream; not only plan, but also believe.” – Anatole Franc

From the Clouds Comes Opportunity

Back on August 3rd 2009 I created My Wedding Workout blog on blogger.com.

The purpose of this blog was more for myself, and holding myself accountable to my workouts. I felt, if just one person was reading, that  my obligation to that person would be to continue with my workouts. obligation=accountability

Little did i know during the first couple of months that very important people happened upon that blog and were following me.

I was, (and currently am), using fitness videos from a company called Team Beachbody. I would tag the trainers’ names, and the workout names and such, in my blog so i guess that is how they found me.

These people contacted me via e-mail for my success story, even though i was, and currently still am, in process. I was very taken aback by this communication and very happy at the same time. It made those pictures i see on the infomercials, that i watch at all ungodly hours of the night, real and not a fabrication of peoples’ pics/stories.

Besides the results i was seeing with the programs, this realization made me a believer in the product i was currently using.

I log my workouts on my blog and in their WOWY.com SuperGym. In this gym i have seen many people in the workout rooms with the word coach by their profile.. I dug deeper and found some good information and decided that this was something i was interested in besides just USING their products for my health and benefit. I also want others so share in this wonderful company and the products that they have to offer.

I am currently an Independent Team Beachbody Coach, and i am in the process of helping others get in to the best shape of their lives, and I am having a great time doing it. The support team we offer is unprecedented, we have Shakeologyand supplements and nutritionist available, you can speak with the trainers of these programs personally on live chat. We have contests on WOWY.com too to make it even more fun! Not only can someone become a member of Team Beachbody, but they can become coaches as well.

A simple thing as starting a blog to hold myself accountable to my workouts, has blossomed into a great opportunity to move my love for fitness in line with what i want to be when i grow up. A business owner, and who knows, possibly a trainer myself.

If you are interested or simply curious as to what I’m talking about, you can go to my web page at www.beachbodycoach.com/eclipsenfitclub or visit my blogwww.myweddingworkout.blogspot.com

Sometimes, you just never know where life is going to lead you. So when you see an opportunity coming at you like an out of control freight train; simply hop on board and have a positive attitude. Remember: Everything happens for a reason.

My Journey to the altar consisted of my FH ad I meeting with our reverend. During that meeting talk of Intro and Extrovert personalities came to the surface. So after that meeting i made it a point to find out what i truly was. My result can be found in my post; here.

Since that time my boss had mentioned in a conversation with a co-worker that they had a type A personality. I never truly knew the definition of Type A and Type B, i just knew they existed, and i certainly didn’t know which one i was. My curiosity has led me on a small journey to find out.

I’m mixed at 52% leaning towards type A. But i’m considered Type AB. Wow! i get the best of both worlds! The test i took was on Discovery Health:http://discoveryhealth.queendom.com/type_a_personality_access.html

About Type A and Type B Personality

According to scientific literature, Type A behavior is characterized by an intense and sustained drive to achieve goals and an eagerness to compete. Personalities categorized as Type A tend to have a persistent desire for external recognition and advancement. They are involved in various functions that bring about time restrictions. Such personalities have a tendency to speed up mental and physical tasks with extraordinary mental and physical alertness. These characteristics make for super-achievers and high-powered people.

Type A individuals can get a lot done and have the potential to really move ahead in the world. But there is a high price to pay. Certain components of such a personality can inhibit happiness and even threaten health. For example, the goals that Type A folks set are often poorly defined and therefore hard to achieve—a perfect recipe for misery.

Type A is also characterized by a general discontentedness and the impulse to be overly critical and demanding, even contemptuous of imperfection, in the self and others. This focus on negative aspects and the accompanying bursts of hostility and impatience result in guilt, remorse and anxiety.

Type A personalities are motivated by external sources (instead of by inner motivation), such as material reward and appreciation from others. Type A folks experience a constant sense of opposition, wariness, and apprehension–they are always ready for battle. And anyone can imagine how this constant (and very exhausting) existence would deplete reserves of contentment and happiness and disrupt personal equilibrium.

Although the literature is somewhat inconsistent because of problems with the conceptualization and definition of Type A behavior pattern, it has been linked to higher risks of cardiovascular diseases. The risks seemed to be reduced with intervention aimed at reducing Type A behavior. Indeed, those with a high Type A score would be happier and healthier if they were to file down the jagged edges of their personality. By learning how to control the negative behavior patterns while preserving their drive, Type A people can be successful without sacrificing their emotional well-being.

Type B behavior is usually defined as the absence of Type A behavior. Type B personalities are relaxed and have a laid-back attitude and posture. They are friendly, accepting, patient, at ease, and generally content. They are at peace with themselves and others. They show a general sense of harmony with people, events, and life circumstances. They tend to be trusting. They focus on the positive aspects of things, people and events. Type B folks are self-encouraging, have inner motivation, are stable and have a pleasant mood. They are interested in others and accept trivial mistakes. They have an accepting attitude about trivial mistakes and a problem-solving attitude about major mistakes. They are flexible and good team members. The Type B person is able to lead and be led.

Personality Type
Your score = 52

Your score = 52   
What does your score mean?

You seem to be in the middle between the Type A and Type B personality. In this case, the middle ground is good. Your attitude to life is more of the “smell the roses” kind and you know how and when to relax. Nonetheless, you realize that picking up a challenge and competing a little bit for your place in the sun can add some spice to your life. The equilibrium is important, so don’t let your hostile, aggressive, and competitive alter ego take over too often. Generally, you are easy to be around, and people tend to feel relaxed and comfortable in your presence. Yours is a very healthy attitude towards life.

I, in MY opinion, feel i’m more A than middle-of-the-road, but tests are typically pretty accurate. Just by reading the test questions though i can see that my FH is heavy on the B. He’s so laid back it hurts me, but that’s where the good balance comes in. When i’m stressing out over time or something to that effect, his calm demeanor helps calm me down. One of the traits in him that drew me to him, and it’s something i’m very envious of.

I love finding out about myself, or at least defining what i kind of know about my actions/reactions. You should take the test too it may help in your relationships with family and co-workers, or at the very least give you an understanding.